


The Vow

by MBL2307



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec has a brain injury, Bisexual Alec Lightwood, Car Accidents, Cheating, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Inspired by..., M/M, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Memory Loss, Minor Injuries, Mundane Magnus Bane/Mundane Alec Lightwood, Or at least he thinks he is, Second First Date, Smut, and Magnus tries to help him remember, based on the movie "The Vow", but Alec forgets, but it's very brief and not explicit, probably just lying to himself, the vow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 50,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24038809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MBL2307/pseuds/MBL2307
Summary: Following a terrible accident, Alec is put in a coma, and when he wakes up, the last five years of his memories are gone - including his marriage to Magnus. The last thing Alec remembers is living with his rich parent's, attending Columbia university and being engaged to Lydia. Magnus desperately tries to rekindle their love, but there are many obstacles in the way and the gap that had grown between them, may be to big to be closed.based on the 2012 movie, "The Vow".
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 241
Kudos: 379
Collections: Malec_Favorite





	1. I vow to fiercely love you

**Author's Note:**

> hello, me again :)  
> so the Malec-mania in my brain just keeps growing and won't let me be.  
> I was re-watching the movie "The Vow" (which if you haven't seen - you should, it's great), and I just couldn't stop imagining them as Malec, so I just thought... why the hell not? so I opened a new google doc. and just started writing... I'm still in the middle of writing the next chapters, but I just couldn't wait and really wanted to post this already... so here you go!
> 
> IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I haven't copy-pasted the whole movie, and I did change up a lot of it to fit Malec and my own ideas, but I did borrow most of the scenes from the movie (and made them my own) and some of the dialogue (but changed it up a bit). so basically I take no credit for these characters and story-line, as it is all compliant to the movie.

New York is most beautiful in the winter time, covered in cold, white snow, hiding all the dirty corners and making it look pure and shiny, if only just for a moment in time. And as Magnus watches his gorgeous, tall and dark husband stand beneath the open sky, embracing the flakes falling all over him, covering his silky, messy hair and broad shoulders, he can’t help but think that winter has just gotten impossibly more perfect.

“Come here you goof!” he calls out, then his breath hitches when his husband's blinding smile redirects at him, causing him to choke out his next words, “you’re going to get sick.”

“Then how about, you come here and get me.” Alec suggests teasingly, his smile turning mischievous. And before he knows it, Magnus’ legs are moving, one after the other, taking him closer to the love of his life, like always, refusing to be too far apart. When he is close enough to reach, Alec’s hands stretch out and grab hold of the lapels of Magnus’ wool overcoat, causing the older man to yelp as he pulls him closer, until they are nose to nose.

“You’re such a gremlin.” Magnus teases as he stares into Alec’s eyes.

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.” Alec asserts with confidence and a knowing smirk, while his hands work their way down Magnus’ side, then grab hold of his hips.

“More than anything.” Magnus confirms in a breathless whisper, placing his hands on Alec’s shoulders, completely lost to his husband's mercy. Alec’s smirk grows wider, then turns lopsided, as he yanks Magnus forward by his hips, bringing them even closer and causing Magnus to gasp out.

When he settles in their sudden new position, Magnus wraps his arms around Alec’s neck, bringing their lips even closer, “you are going to be the death of me, Alexander.” he whispers into the tiny space between them, which only makes his husband look even prouder as he closes that space, bringing their lips together. One of Alec’s hands slides further down and rests on Magnus’ ass, giving it an appreciative squeeze, causing both of them to moan into the kiss.

As their lips glide together slow and deep, Magnus can taste the sweet of the hot chocolate Alec drank earlier, and the small baby marshmallows that came with it. Mixed together with his husband's natural zest, has Magnus’ taste buds going wild as he tightens his arms around him, desperate to bring him even closer. Alec chuckles against his lips as he wraps his second hand around Magnus’ waist, “you better take me home…” he murmurs into the kiss, as his hands cling tightly to Magnus’ body, “before I devour you right here in the middle of the street.”

Magnus groans into Alec’s mouth, and his hands run through his hair, clutching some of the strands to ground himself, “yeah, let’s do that.” he murmurs back, his brain barely registering the words escaping his mouth, but he hopes they bring him closer to what Alec just suggested, “wanna be devoured.”

Alec chuckles as he pulls away, his grin growing wilder when he catches Magnus chasing his lips, “come on husband,” he says as his thumb rubs at the frown between Magnus’ brows, “let's take this to our bedroom.”

“You’re such a tease.” Magnus pouts as they start walking hand in hand, in the direction of their car, but that only induces the taller man’s expression to be even more smug. Alec opens his mouth to respond, but Magnus cuts him to the chase, “and you’re damn proud of it, yeah, I know.”

When they arrive at their snow covered car, Alec rushes into the passenger seat as Magnus wipes down the windshield, removing the snow that has piled up on it. Alec watches his beautiful husband as he works, smiling out at him through the window, “it’s good, get in here.” he calls out once most of the snow is gone, enough to clear the line of vision, “come on, Magnus!”

Magnus rushes into the driver’s seat, both of them shivering from the cold, “dammit, it’s so cold.” he exclaims, igniting the engine and turning up the heat.

“I know, my fingers are numb.” Alec complains, lifting up his hands in front of Magnus’ face, causing the older man to roll his eyes fondly.

“Well, you were the one who insisted on standing outside in the middle of the snow.” Magnus scolds heatlessly and he wraps his own hands around both of Alec’s, then stares deep into his hazel eyes as he leans forward and blows warm air to heat up his husband's frozen fingers. 

“Thank you.” Alec whispers with a small smile, as Magnus let’s go of his hands and turns to start driving, placing both his hands on the steering wheel and pulling out of the parking spot.

They’re driving in comfortable silence, with the radio humming low in the car, when Alec reaches out and places his hand over Magnus’ on the gear stick, causing the older man to turn his head for a short moment, to smile at his beloved, “I had a great time tonight.” Alec tells him, his head leaning on the seat’s headrest, turned towards Magnus who is watching the road, “who knew I would actually enjoy theater.”

Magnus lets out a short laugh and shakes his head, still keeping his eyes ahead, “I did.” he proclaims, “you know, the other day, when I suggested it and you stubbornly went on about how it is not ‘your thing’.”

“You’re so adorable when you’re right.” Alec says suggestively as Magnus slows down at a red light, turning to roll his eyes at his ridiculous husband. Magnus is about to respond, but Alec beats him to it as he points at a parking spot at the side of the deserted road, “stop off here, I don’t think I can wait for the bedroom.”

“Alexander, I am not -” Magnus begins, but cuts himself off with a small whimper when Alec’s large hand finds it’s way between his legs, rubbing at his clothed cock.

“Are you sure about that?” Alec questions smugly with a raised eyebrow. Magnus shakes his head in response as Alec continues his ministrations on his hardening member, then when the light turns green, he presses the gas pedal and pulls into the parking spot. “That’s what I thought.” Alec adds with a smirk, then unbuckles his seatbelt, leaning over the center console and latches his lips onto the soft, warm skin of his husband's neck.

Magnus’ loud moan rings through the car, as Alec works his lips up and down his neck, his hand still rubbing at his dick over his pants, “Alexander.” he breathes out, as his head falls back to the headrest and closes his eye.

They are both stuck deep in a bubble inside the car, that neither of them notice the truck skidding along the icy road, unable to stop in time as the driver loses control. They are both blinded by the truck's headlights, shining bright in the darkness of the night, into their car from the back, as it speeds closer and closer, then slams into them with a powerful blow, before either of them can register what is going on.

“Alec!” Magnus manages to call out in the split second between the moment his brain is cleared of the cloud of pleasure, and the moment it fills with absolute numbing terror. Then Magnus’ line of vision is blocked by an airbag deploying into his face, knocking him out cold, and his world turns black.

Alec manages to look up at his husband when he calls his name, he opens his mouth, but his response dies on his lips when the blast rings loudly in his ears, as the crash causes all the windows to shatters within seconds, as he too, closes his eyes and succumbs to the same darkness, his brain shutting off, and losing consciousness.

The whole car shakes and jolts forward from the impact, colliding with a street lamp a few meters ahead, bringing the car to a sudden halt, as the windshield cracks. Then, Alec comes flying head first into the glass, breaking through it and landing sprawled over the front hood of the car, the shiny shreds and fragments landing on and all around him.

After that, the night falls silent once again, then filled by sirens moments later.

Both husbands are out cold as ambulance sirens fill the cold January air, speeding closer and closer to their location. Neither wakes up as the emt’s work to get them out of the smashed, beaten up car and into the stretchers, or when they are wheeled into the backs of two ambulances, as the emt’s work on connecting them to oxygen machines and keeping them stable as they make their way to the hospital.

Magnus comes through as they are wheeled into the emergency room, clouded eyes half open. All he can see are blurry figures and colors meshed together, all he can hear are distant, muffled voices, and all he can think about is his husband, as he tries to fight through the fog to find him. “Alec…” he chokes out weakly, muffled by the mask covering his mouth and nose, “Alec!” he tries again more frantic, as the panic grows deeper. He tries to move around, get out of whatever is holding him down, but voices are calling out to him to stop, to calm down. But he can’t.

Next thing he knows, a needle is being injected into the vein in his arm, causing him to groan, then his eyelids grow heavy, closing against his will, enveloping him into the darkness once again.

**v^v^v^v**

_Music is blasting loudly, spreading through the large room, surrounding the dancing, sweating bodies. Colorful lights are flashing, spinning around from every direction, sending rays of lights, illuminating the dance floor. Magnus watches the men and women grinding, jumping and swaying to the beat of the music, from his spot on the bar. His friends, Cat and Ragnor, had abandoned him in favor of the dance floor, but were long forgotten, when he first spotted the epitome of perfection, the strong, long limbs of a man dancing in the center of it all, with no one in particular._

_Pandemonium is far from being classy and upscale, but was still considered one of the best gay and lesbian club in Brooklyn. Most of the people who frequented there were different and unique, which was the reason why Magnus loved it so much and spent so much time there. But had never seen that gorgeous man there before. He actually rarely found anyone who would catch his attention that much, let alone end up in his bed, which only provoked his body to yearn even more._

_Before he knew what he was doing, Magnus stood and his feet made the way for him, to the focus of all of his attention. Next thing he knew, they were sharing the same space as Magnus began dancing along with him. The tall handsome man smiled at him, clearly enjoying the new sight in front of him, then lay both his hands on Magnus’ hips, pulling him even closer, “hello, there.” he shouts over the music, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”_

_“Well, I couldn’t help but notice that you were here alone…” Magnus began, with a sly smirk, wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck, “and I just had to fix that.”_

_“Lucky me.”_

_“Yes, you are.” Magnus agreed with a wink, “I've never seen you here before.”_

_“That’s because I’ve never been here before.” Alec responded as their bodies continued to move together, dancing to the tune, “thought I’d try out something new.”_

_“A good choice indeed.” Magnus said, his hands sliding down to the man’s firm chest, “I’m Magnus.”_

_“Magnus.” Alec repeated as if it was the most beautiful word in the world, “I’m Alec.”_

_“Well, Alec, seeing as fate brought us here together…” Magnus began to say with a smirk, but Alec cut him off quickly._

_“Actually it’s luck.” Alec interjects._

_But Magnus just shook his head fondly and went on, “Whatever you want to call it, I think we owe it to get out of here and go on a date.”_

_“We do, don’t we?” Alec agreed, clearly amused as Magnus nodded enthusiastically and pulled him through the dancing people, and out of the club, into the night’s cool autumn air. “So where are we going?” Alec questioned as they walked along the sidewalk, Magnus still holding on to his hand as if they had been doing it for years._

_“You’ll see.” Magnus replied with a teasing tone, looking over his shoulder at Alec. Then proceeded to pull the other man towards a 24hours diner around the corner and in through the door, all the way to a corner booth._

_“What is this place?” Alec asked, looking around the place, at the old fashion styled, black, white and red diner, as a waitress placed two menus on their table._

_“Taki’s.” Magnus announced, then proclaimed, “they have the best waffles in Brooklyn.” and when said best waffles in Brooklyn are served to them, Alec took a bite and Magnus delighted in the appreciative moan that escaped his lips. “So what do you do, Alexander?” he questioned after another moment of comfortable silence._

_Alec swallowed his bite, then replied, “I’m a student at Brooklyn College.”_

_“Are you now?” Magnus went on after another bite of his waffles, “and what do you study?”_

_“Digital art.” Alec told him with a shy smile, “I want to be an animator.”_

_“Wow, that is incredible.” Magnus whispered, already lost in everything Alec._

*****

_Autumn_ _soon after turns into winter, the orange and yellow leaves blown away and replaced by wet, heavy rain. Thunder and lightning filled the early evening cold air, as Alec poured himself over his laptop in a study room at the Brooklyn College. He barely registered the sounds and the time passing by, and had long lost track of anything that isn’t his project, due in less than two days._

_A soft knock on the door frame finally managed to pull him out of his own head, blinking his eyes up at the figure standing in the doorway. A smile was quick to find his lips as he recognized the man, who was slowly stepping into the room, coming closer to where he sat at a table in the center of the empty room. The smile quickly faded, and was replaced by a frown because, “shit, I missed lunch didn’t I?” he questioned regretfully._

_But Magnus only waved it off lightly, “only by a few hours.” he informed him as if it were nothing, “but I figured you were lost in your project, so I brought lunch, well, now almost dinner, to you.”_

_“God, you’re perfect.” Alec proclaimed, accepting Magnus’ kiss when he leaned down, then added, “thank you.”_

_Magnus shrugged and smiled innocently, “just doing my job as your devoted boyfriend.” he said, then sat down by Alec, placing a bag of Chinese food on the table, “this is for your belly.” he explained as Alec’s said belly suddenly began to growl, then he placed the thermos he was holding on the table, “this is coffee, for your energy and focus.” he continued to explain, as Alec watched him with complete adoration, “and this,” he handed Alec a small paper bag, smiling suggestively, “is for later…” Alec peeked into the bag and chuckled when he found in it condoms and a tube of lube, “when you need to wind down and shut off that brain of yours.”_

_Alec put the bag down and pulled Magnus closer to him, pressing their lips together, “you’re amazing.” he mumbled into the kiss, “I can’t wait for later.”_

*****

_Naked winter tree’s soon grow new bright green leaves and colorful flowers, as warm spring air brings along with it the scent of sweet blossom. It is by far Magnus’ favorite season, as he had always been a nature boy. The ground floor apartment he shared with his two best friends, had its own garden, where he enjoyed to work and tended to his growing plants and trees. Everything from herbs, to flowers and fruits._

_The hot afternoon sun shone down on him, as he worked on cutting off dead leaves and picking out good herbs and flowers. When strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him close, causing him to melt faster than the sun did. “Alec, I’m all sweaty.” he protested a moment later, when he realised how drenched he actually was, but Alec only tightened his hold._

_“So?” he asked, and before Magnus could protest he shoved his nose in the junction between his neck and his shoulder, inhaling in deep the smell of his sweat, then licked his way up Magnus’ neck, tasting the salty drops._

_Magnus froze for a short moment, overwhelmed by the whole thing, then, “oh my god, that is totally twisted.” he professed, then when Alec did it again, he added with a moan, “but also completely romantic and sexy.”_

_Alec smiled into his skin as he proceeded in scattering kisses and licking up more drops of sweat, “you taste so good.” Alec confessed as if it were his guiltiest of pleasures._

_Magnus silently enjoyed it for another moment, before he made his own confession, “god, I’m so madly in love with you, it’s insane.”_

**v^v^v^v**

Magnus is lying in his hospital bed in a dimly lit room, holding onto his husband's wedding ring between his fingers, turning it in the light so the words engraved in it come into view. _Aku cinta kamu._ Every part of his body hurt, even with the painkillers he was given, but nothing was as painful as the thought of his husband still unconscious, not knowing if and when he will wake up. 

When he is strong enough to stand up and walk around, the first place he goes is to visit his husband, holding onto his hand and begging him to be okay. When the doctor comes in a little later with the results of Alec’s CT scans, Magnus is quick to stand and beg her for good news.

“Your husband’s scan showed intracranial hemorrhaging…” she begins to explain, and already Magnus’ vision blurs with tears, “We purposely keep patients with traumatic brain injuries in a comatose state in order to calm their systems, and allow the brain the time to heal itself while the swelling subsides. And then we slowly wean them off it…” her voice fades away as Magnus sinks in deeper into his own dark mind.

His husband. This is his husband and he is currently comatose, and hurting and he doesn’t know when he will wake up, and in what state. All he wants is to feel those unique hazel eyes on him, to be in the warmth of his embrace and hear his beautiful voice say his name, tell him he loves him. He wants Alec, his Alexander.

A week passes by, and Magnus heals completely and is discharged, but he still remains in the hospital by his husband, bringing him his favorite flowers, playing his favorite songs and reading to him from his favorite books.

**v^v^v^v**

_Summer comes by with a strong wave of heat. Magnus spends most of his nights and mornings with Alec in his studio apartment, not far from the Brooklyn college. Magnus was sitting on the floor of Alec’s balcony, feeding a stray cat that would frequent his time there, when Alec came out and watched him fondly for a short moment, then, “what are you doing?” he asked in mock scolding._

_Magnus was quick to stand up and walk past him, back into the apartment, “nothing.” he proclaimed innocently._

_“Oh, yeah?” Alec questioned with doubt, following him in, “so you weren’t feeding him?”_

_“Nope.” Magnus replies with a sweet, innocent smile._

_“You know I’m allergic to cats.” Alec said sternly, “and if you keep feeding it, he will keep coming back.”_

_“No you’re not, you just don’t like them.” Magnus argued, “like you’re allergic to garlic, but still eat anything that contains garlic, as long as you have no idea about it.”_

_“Yeah, whatever.” Alec concedes, “food’s ready.”_

_Alec placed a plate of maple covered pancakes in front of Magnus as he sat down, a word spelled out with blueberries, which Magnus couldn’t quite desifre, “did you try spelling something with these?” he questioned, looking up at his boyfriend._

_Alec huffed in annoyance and sat down next to him, moving around a few of the blueberries to make the words more clear. Move in. “there.” he announced, and when Magnus caught the words, he gasped and looked up at Alec again, “so?” Alec asked when Magnus just stared at him in shock._

_Magnus nodded his head frantically, then when he found his voice, “yes, yes, of course!” He then launched himself forward and wrapped his arms around Alec, kissing his neck and shoulder._

*****

_They were standing in the middle of the MET’s great hall, surrounded by paintings and sculptures of all kinds, by different famous artists, made from different materials and colors. The perfect place for two fellow, up and coming artists, to come together._

_Alec was wearing a dark green suit, which brought out the green in his hazel eyes, and a black button up, with no tie, a few buttons left open to reveal some skin and chest hairs, just like Magnus liked._

_Magnus was wearing pinstriped black fitted trousers, with suspenders clipped to them and hanging down, paired with a burgundy button up and over it, a black waistcoat with burgundy patterns on it. His hair was styled up with some white streaks, his make up was done up with black smokey eyes with a hint of burgundy. To top it off, his nails were painted black, except for his pinkies which were glittery burgundy._

_Ragnor stood between them as they held their hands, and Cat, Raphael, Will, Jem and Tessa all stood further back, in a circle around them, watching them in awe._

_“I vow to help you love life,” Alec began with his vow, reading them off the Taki’s napkin he wrote them on, then he continued to stare into Magnus’ eyes as he went on, “to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake. And to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.”_

_As Alec finished off his vows, Magnus sniffed and smiled up at him, “shit, that was really good.” he said on an exhale, “you set the bar very high.”_

_“I’m pretty sure yours will be better.” Alec informed with a chuckle._

_Magnus looked down at the napkin he had and also chuckled, “did you write your vows on a napkin?” he questioned with an amused tone._

_“Yeah, why?” Alec asked sheepishly._

_Magnus pulled out his own Taki’s napkin and showed it off to Alec, causing them both to smile like idiots. Then Magnus cleared his throat and went on to read his own vows, “I vow to fiercely love you,” he began with a promise, pausing before he finished the sentence, “in all your forms, now and forever.” Magnus paused again, keeping his eyes on Alec as he turned the napkin over in his hand, revealing the rest of it, “I promise to never forget that this is a once-in-a-lifetime love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, that we'll always find the way back to each other.”_

_Ragnor, who was wearing a high top-hat and a gray waistcoat over a pink button up, watched them with a soft smile, and waited another beat in the intense silence, before he voiced his next question, “do you two lovebirds take each other as husbands?” he asked in a rare emotional tone, “now and forever?”_

_Both men nodded, overwhelmed by the joy of the moment, “I do.” Magnus was the first to say softly, keeping his eyes on his soon to be husband. “I do.” Alec said as well, his voice muffled by the uncontrollable smile on his lips._

_“Then by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I…” Ragnor began in a low voice, then caught sight of two men in uniforms, “bollocks, security.” he muttered, then went on faster, “I now pronounce you husbands and best friends for life.” all their friends cheered as Ragnor finished off, “Kiss! Run!”_

_They both leaned forward and kissed, a quick peck, then followed their friends through the hall, down some stairs and out of the building. They ran down the stairs at the entrance and off to the side, stopping by the fountain, grabbing hold of each other, still filled with adrenaline. Alec grabbed Magnus by the lapels and pulled him in for another kiss, a proper one._

*****

_Alec stared up at his storyboard, he wasn’t actually seeing any of the illustrations or images on it, just staring blankly in its general direction, his eyes glazed over and his brain hollowed out. He had a half illustrated character on his tablet, and dozens of sketches scattered around him on the table. He had been sitting like that for the good part of the last half an hour, desperate for any kind of inspiration, after throwing his pencil across the room in frustration, because it wasn’t coming to him._

_His favorite playlist was blaring in the background, but even that didn’t inspire him like it usually did, just added to the chaos in his mind. His jumbled thoughts were cut short by the music being turned off, he didn’t even have to look to know it was his husband. “I only have three characters.” Alec told him in frustration, “and I didn’t even finish all the sketches for them, and I still need four more characters to create, but I just… I lost my inspiration, and I just can’t do this.”_

_Magnus walked closer with an empathetic expression, “I’m sure you will be fine, Alexander, you always are.” he promised with the confidence Alec lacked._

_“Shit, I need to call them, I need to call the studio and tell them that I just can’t do this.” Alec rambled as if he hadn’t heard Magnus, waving his hands around._

_But his husband just smiled and wrapped his arms around him from behind, pressing his lips to the side of his neck, kissing him a few times, then spoke into his skin, “you need to sleep, let that beautiful brain of yours rest.” he told him softly, leaning his chin on Alec’s shoulder, then in a more sultry tone, “come on, come to bed with me, I know you want to.” and to prove his point, Magnus moved back a little and lay his hands flat on his husband’s shoulder blades, slowly dragging them down his back, until his thumbs were pressed into the dimples in his lower back, right above his ass. Alec’s head fell back and he let out a soft moan as his husband started massaging him there. He was lost in the haze of pleasure within seconds, only coming out of it when his husband asked again, “will you come to bed with me?”_

_“Yeah, okay.” he conceded with a heavy sigh, as Magnus hugged him close again, “I’m just gonna clear all this up.” he waved vaguely at all the illustrations and sketches laying around on both tables in the studio. Magnus gave him one last kiss on his temple, then let him get to it, as he walked over to the second table, looking over the scattered sketches, while Alec sorted through the sketches on the table he was sitting at._

_“I think these ones are coming along fine.” he heard Magnus say suddenly, so he looked up to see Magnus looking through the barely half done illustrations and sketches of indistinct characters. Alec watched him with amusement and fondness as he went on, “I mean, I know it's not finished, but I'm already starting to see the unique and accurate lines. The shadows are very soft and well drawn, they’ve got like a competing light element, there.”_

_Alec continues to watch Magnus with an enamored smile, just humming, “Mmm-hmm.”_

_“It's abstract, but, I mean, I don't know, I kind of think it's already powerful.” he finished off, then looked up at Alec, noticing the look he was getting for the first time, “What?”_

_Alec’s smile grew even more as he watched the adorable confusion on his husband’s face, then stated, “You totally love me.”_

_“Yeah, I do.” Magnus agreed with a warm smile._

_“Yeah.” Alec breathed out and nodded softly, then looked over at the sketches on the table he was working at, “I know because these are the finished illustrations.” he explained then pointed at the sketches Magnus was talking about, “and that's the scrap pile, sketches that didn’t come out good enough.” Magnus just stared at him dumbfounded as Alec leaned in and whispered to him, “which I'm now saving.” Magnus smiled sheepishly at him, as he whispered a small ‘okay’, then allowed Alec to pull him in for a kiss and envelope him in his arms, “let’s go to bed.”_

**v^v^v^v**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was the first chapter... this got so much longer than I thought it would be!  
> I'm not sure exactly how many there will be, but I think about 10 or so...  
> so what did 'yall think? please let me know in the comments!


	2. no evidence of our love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finally wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies... I'm having so much fun with this fic, and all of your support is incredible! so thank you for all the Kudo's and comments, they absolutely make my day!
> 
> I couldn't wait any longer, so here is chapter number two... hopefully it came out good :)  
> please let me know what you think and if there are any Malec memories you would like to see.

It was two weeks after the accident, as Magnus sat beside his bed and spoke to Alec about nothing in particular, just his usual blabbering and crazy stories Alec loved, when his husband finally began to wake up. The doctor’s had taken him off the medication that had kept him comatose two days ago, and he was finally coming out of it after a very long and excruciating wait.

Magnus immediately called for the doctor, who came in just as Alec’s eyelids started to flutter, “Don't crowd him.” the doctor whispered to Magnus as Alec stirred and groaned softly, “he’s going to be a little groggy, so let's just give him some space.”

They are both standing at the foot of Alec’s hospital bed as he finally opens his eyes, “Hey.” Magnus whispers with a smile, barely containing his whirlwind of emotions, “It's so good to see you.”

Alec looks between them, confused, clearly trying to discern what is happening and where he is, the doctor furrows her brows, “Alec?” he looks like he wants to respond to her, but is unable to, “it’s okay, You're in the hospital.” the doctor explains calmly, “You were in a car accident. You hit your head, but you're okay now. We just kept you asleep for a little while.”

Magnus watches him with concern, then dares to ask, “How do you feel?”

Alec looks at him with glazed eyes, then replies with a raspy voice, “My head hurts.”

Magnus looks over at the doctor for answers, so she smiles softly and says, “no need to worry, that's perfectly normal.” she explains, then points over her shoulder, “I will get you something for that.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Magnus says weakly, then just as she is about to leave, Alec speaks up again.

“Was anyone else hurt, Doctor?”

The room falls silent for a moment, as Magnus desperately looks between Alec and the doctor. Alec watches them both with confusion as Magnus asks, “Alexander, you know who I am, right?”

Alec raises an eyebrow and looks at him as if it were obvious, “Yeah, you're my doctor.” he says, although it sounds more like a question.

Another awkward silence fills the room, as Magnus looks at the doctor again, silently begging her for instructions. But she just gives him an encouraging nod, so he hums softly and walks closer to Alec, stopping at the side of his bed, then sits down in the chair so he is eye level with Alec, “I'm your husband.” he says softly, with a small smile. Alec just looks at him like he fell off the moon, then hesitantly looks down at his left ring finger, where his wedding ring is, “Alec?” Magnus asks softly, then reaches out for his hand. But his husband flinches and quickly moves it out of reach, before he can even touch it. 

Magnus swallows thickly and averts his eyes, looking down at his hands and feeling more confused and hurt than he ever had in his life. But he couldn’t blame anyone for it, because it was no one’s fault. Nonetheless, he feels suffocated and like someone just stabbed him, so he slowly stands up and walks out of the room, mumbling under his breath, “I’m sorry, I need a moment, I need…” then his voice trails off.

He is a few steps down the hall, when he hears the doctor calling out to him, “Mr. Bane?” Magnus pauses his steps and rubs his face roughly before turning around to face her.

“You said things were very good,” he says in accusation.

“A brain injury isn't like a broken bone or a laceration.” she begins to explain, watching Magnus with careful eyes, “Brains are much less predictable. Sometimes, due to the way the swelling tissue presses against the skull, it can cause some impairment.”

“Some impairment?” Magnus repeats incredulously, then goes on with a hint of panic, pointing at the direction of Alec’s room, “He doesn't remember me.”

“Even though he's awake, the swelling can cause confusion or memory loss, erratic mood swings.” the doctor continues to explain, as if she wasn’t just bringing Magnus’ whole life crashing down on him.

Magnus runs a shaky hand through his hair, his head a jumbled mess, “What?” he chokes out, and starts to walk past her.

She tries to lay a soft hand on his arm but he pulls away, “Mr. Bane, all of that is normal.” but he didn’t care about normal, all he cared about was the fact that the love of his life just jumped away from his touch like it would burn him.

  
  


Magnus ends up pacing around the hospital, trying desperately to calm his banging heart and racing thoughts, but after two weeks of barely any sleep and too much worrying, he just felt more helpless and lost. Eventually he finds himself in the waiting room, slumping down on a row of cushioned seats, exhausted to the bone, he doesn’t even realise he fell asleep until poking on his shoulder wakes him up from his slumber.

Blinking his eyes a few times, to make the space around him less blurry, Magnus sits up and yawns. Then when he is focused enough, he looks up at the source of the poking, finding Alec there standing over him, wearing the hospital’s robe, “I’m hungry.” he announces before Magnus can even comprehend anything or say something.

Magnus smiles softly and nods, pulling himself out of his daze and whispers a soft, “yeah.” then he stands up and points in the direction of the hospital cafeteria, “Let’s go get something to eat.”

They make their way in silence to the cafeteria, and as they are picking up food and putting on their trays, Alec finally speaks up, “So, I just wanted to verify a few things with you about me.” then with some hesitation, he adds, “about us.”

Magnus smiles softly and nods, “yeah, okay.”

“So, we're married?” Alec questions slowly, as if it were the strangest thing in the world, but his confusion is so adorable that Magnus can’t help but smile at him.

“Yes.” Magnus confirms.

“Okay, but you’re a dude.” Alec states dumbly, catching Magnus completely off guard.

Magnus hesitates for a few moments as they walk along the line of food, lost for words, then nods,”umm yeah, I uhh guess I am.” he manages to stammer, then watches as Alec scans him from head to toe, then makes and impressed expression and hums in approval. Magnus just continues to stare at him with shock, as Alec averts his attention to the line of food and drinks.

After a few more moments of silence while they finish filling their trays, they both sit down at one of the tables, “So I’m assuming that means I finally came out.” Alec says as if to himself, and Magnus has to resist with all his might to reach out and smooth that frown of his, “shit, my parents must have had a fit.” Magnus watches him again, wondering the best way to respond to that, and how much he should unload on him right now, because he doesn’t want to freak him out too much.

Finally Magnus settles on, “yeah, I think so.” and when Alec raises a questioning eyebrow at him, he elaborates a bit more, “it all happened before we met.”

“Oh, okay.” Alec says softly, then focuses on his food, and they both fall into the silence. A moment later, Alec looks up again and says as if he hadn’t paused for a long time, “And I have weird hair.”

Magnus chuckles, and shrugs, “I think that's taking a narrow view.” he teases, and when Alec still watches him as if waiting for a real answer, he goes on, “You liked the more natural look, plus you said it takes too long to style in any other way and you'd rather use that time to work in your studio.”

Alec stares at him as if he were speaking a foregn language, “My studio?” he questions, even more adorably confused, “Why in the world do I have a studio?”

“You're an illustrator, for an animation production company.” Magnus explains with a proud smile, “and you’re absolutely exceptional.” when Alec continues to stare at him, dumbfounded he continues, “Right now, you're working on seven characters for a new movie the company is creating, which is huge, a lot of artists competed for that job. But you were the most inventive and creative with your pitch, so you got it.”

“But umm…” Alec stammers, then clears his throat, “What about my business degree? My father’s company?” Magnus’ proud smile falters as he struggles to find the right response so he doesn’t let Alec down too hard, but Alec is quick to catch on, “I don't have a business degree?”

Magnus rubs the back of his neck, “I think you were a few credits shy.” he finally manages.

Alec just watches him for another moment, clearly trying to digest that information, then says in a horrified tone, “Last time I wanted to be an artist, I was in high school.” Magnus just shrugs lamely, not really having any clue as to how to react or if there is even a right way. Which was unsettling because he always knew how to comfort his husband, but this man sitting in front of him was clearly very different from the one he married.

*****

Later that day, Magnus went to their home to pack a bag for Alec, putting together some of his favorite clothes. His friends, being the overbearing but extremely caring family that they are, were over in a blink. “I think you need to look at it like a win.” Jem offers from where he is sitting on the edge of the bed, earning himself a variety of expressions and eye rolls from all the people present.

“Traumatic brain injury is a win?” Magnus questions with cynicism, closing up the bag and flopping down on the bed as well.

“You're an idiot.” Will interjects, throwing a pillow at Jem from his position, leaning against the bed’s headboard.

“If he doesn't remember who you are, then he doesn't remember all the stupid shit you ever did.” Jem explains as if it were the obvious way to look at it, as if somehow this was a good thing, “You can start over, wipe the slate clean.” Jem always did manage to see the good in every crappy situation.

“I'm just worried if he doesn't remember you, how's he going to remember he's in love with you?” Will, who was always the most sensitive one, says in a worried tone, earning himself some eye rolls as well, “What?”

“I was frankly a little stunned he went for you the first time.” Ragnor, who is sitting on the armchair, add’s with a shit eating grin, clearly too proud of himself.

“If anything, you've become less attractive.” Cat agrees with her own smirk, from her spot on the chair at Magnus’ vanity table.

Magnus eyes his friends and seriously questions all of his life’s decisions, “You guys are such a great support system.” Magnus says, sarcasm dripping from his every word. Then he sighs and rubs his tired face, “Seriously, though. What if he doesn't remember me? Then what?”

Cat stands and steps forward, grabs his shoulders, looking straight into his eyes, “He's gonna remember you. He's gonna remember all of us. We're his family.”

Magnus smiles softly at his friends, trying to fight away the worry as he nods, “Yeah, you're right.”

*****

The next morning Magnus is walking through the hospital with the bag he packed for Alec over his shoulder. After a stressful, sleepless night, he woke up this morning with renewed determination, looking forward to seeing his beautiful husband. But when he reaches his room the bed is empty and no one is in the room, which has been cleaned and now looks like no one occupies it anymore. Magnus quickly rushes to the nurses desk, “Excuse me, I'm looking for my husband, Alec Lightwood.” he tells the nurse sitting behind the computer, “He was right over here yesterday.”

The nurse smiles at him, then checks the records on her computer, “Well, it looks like they moved him up to the VIP floor.” she explains.

Magnus eyes her suspiciously for a moment before he speaks, “That sounds expensive.” he says in a low voice.

“It's a donor's wing.” she tells him, then points at a direction down the corridor, “Just go down here and take the elevator to the second floor and make a right.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Magnus replies after taking a deep breath and releasing it in with a sigh. Then he follows her instructions and makes his way as fast as possible up to the second floor, in search of his husband's new room. When he finds it, he can hear the doctor’s voice as he approaches the open door.

“Alec, your long-term memory recall is intact and I'm very optimistic the rest of your memory is going to improve with time.” Just as the doctor is finished with her explanation, Magnus walks in and she is quick to notice him, “Mr. Bane, I'm so glad you're here.”

But Magnus is focused on the two other people in the room, who are watching him with death glares, and he is quick to come to the horrifying realisation of exactly who they are. Magnus rubs his nape, unsure of how to react, he was nowhere near prepared for this, especially without Alec’s support. “This is bizarre.” he finally manages, then takes a deep breath, forcing himself to relax, “I'm Magnus, Alec's husband.”

Robert Lightwood is a very frightening man, dressed in a Tom Ford suit and wearing a very stern, very serious expression that could absolutely kill, Magnus is sure of it. He takes an intimidating step closer to Magnus and speaks in a low, deep voice, “Do you know how disconcerting it was to hear second-hand that my son had been in the ICU for weeks and we hadn't been told?”

Maryse Lightwood, a tall beautiful, but bitter looking woman, stood beside her son in the hospital bed with a hand over her heart. Her face looks like she is smelling something rotten, “You should have called us.” she accuses, in a tone that suggests Magnus had deeply wounded her.

Magnus clears his throat and bows his head, feeling like a scolded child, “I'm sorry.” he whispers. When he hears Alec’s confused voice, he finally forces himself to look up at him. His husband has a deep frown on his face, like he’s trying to put together a puzzle that just doesn’t fit.

“You've never met my parents?” Alec asks, looking from Magnus to his parents and back, “I don't understand, why haven't you met?”

But before anyone can give him any answers to his question, Robert turns back to the doctor, all business like, “So, Doctor, now what is the next step?” as Maryse lays a comforting hand on Alec’s shoulder, nodding at him as if to say, it all will be okay.

The doctor looks between them all, then responds, “The sooner he settles back into his life, his normal routine, the better.” she explains, then adds, “Starting in a week or so, I'm going to recommend that Alec see a neuropsychologist.”

“Okay.” Magnus is quick to agree, but then Robert interjects with a wave of his hand and his deep voice.

“Whatever he needs.” Robert promises, “Therapy, specialists, I'll make sure he gets the best.”

Then Maryse lifts her son’s hand and holds it close to her chest as he looks up at her, “You'll come home where I can take care of you.” she tells him softly, then Robert comes to stand behind her and adds, “You’re mother can make up your old room, and I can take some time off work.”

Magnus is watching helplessly, looking between them as to his horror, Alec looks like he actually wants to go home with them. Alec is nodding in agreement, when Magnus finally finds his voice, “I don't mean to be disrespectful, because we really appreciate that,” he begins to say in a hesitant voice, losing his confidence in the face of the warning gazes he’s now receiving, but he braces himself and goes on anyway, “but you just heard Alec's doctor say that he needs to go back to his normal routine. His life with me is his normal routine.”

“Yes, but that's a life he doesn't remember.” Maryse tells him with piercing eyes, her tone clearly suggesting that Magnus’ opinion or thoughts are not wanted.

“He will.” Magnus insists, “That's what his doctor just got through saying.”

“No.” Robert mutters harshly, “What she said was that  _ maybe  _ Alec will remember.”

“Now, why not let him come home and recover with people that he knows and loves?” Maryse questions as if in a sweet and caring voice, but Magnus can hear the sting in there all too clearly, and he hates that it actually gets to him and hurts. “It will all be much easier for him in an environment that he remembers.”

“We're only trying to do the best for Alec.” Robert adds when Magnus goes to protest, which only gets him more worked up as he counters with his own opinion, slowly losing his patience.

“That's interesting, 'cause you haven't even asked him once what he wants.” Magnus mutters, finally losing his cool.

“Well, no, but -” Maryse begins but Alec, who is now rubbing his face with his hands, cuts her off in a loud tone.

“What I really need is for everyone to just stop bickering!” he tells them, lowering his hands and scanning his gaze over them all.

“Listen, none of this needs to be decided right now.” the doctor cuts in calmly, watching them all carefully, “I think you should all head home, get some rest. I'm sure everyone could use it.” Magnus is reluctant to agree as he watches Maryse hug her son, and all he wants to do is push her away and curl up with his husband, forget that anyone else exists and just lose himself in him again.

*****

Later on that day, after they both got some well needed rest, Magnus takes Alec back to the cafeteria for some lunch. They have yet to talk about anything since the awkward encounter with Alec’s parents earlier in his room. And when Magnus came back to his room after their rest, they walked in awkward silence to the cafeteria and each filled up a tray of food.

When they sit down to eat, Alec finally breaks the silence, “How is it that you're my husband and you've never met my family?” he asks in a bewildered voice and with a perplexed expression.

Magnus bites his bottom lip, then shakes his head lightly, “You haven't spoken to them in years.” he says matter of factly.

“Why would I ever stop speaking to my family?” Alec questions.

“It all went down before we met.” Magnus explains, poking his food with his fork, but not eating.

Alec takes a bite and has a pensive look as he chews and swallows, “And we never talked about it?”

“No, we did.”

“So?”

“For starters, you wanted to move to Brooklyn and study animation at Brooklyn College.” Magnus begins to explain and Alec buries his face in his hands, “But your father insisted that you stay in Columbia, he had some pretty strict views on what you ought to be doing, like joining his company.” Alec looks back up at him as if Magnus is now ripping apart his whole life, which only breaks Magnus’ heart even more. But he continues anyway, because Alec wants to know, “Things just spiraled from there, because you just wanted to explore and be true to yourself.”

“You mean have sex with guys?” Alec questions harshly, as if Magnus was doing this on purpose.

Magnus sighs and rubs his eyes, “I wouldn’t say it like that, but yeah, I guess you were tired of hiding yourself.”

Alec watches him for another moment, then leans back in his seat as he goes on more calmly, “Look, I don’t mean to be harsh, It’s just, what I remember is being in business school, at Columbia University…” Magnus nods along in understanding, and after a short pause, Alec adds, “and being engaged to Lydia.” It is like a punch to the gut, and the worst part about it is that he can’t even be mad at Alec for it. So Magnus just nods softly and averts his eyes, staring down at his still full plate, as Alec sighs and shakes his head, “I’m sorry, I... I don't know.” 

Magnus looks up again as Alec starts to stand, “Alexander.” he says weakly, then when he starts walking away he gets up too and calls after him, “Alec!” when he doesn’t slow down, he runs to catch up just as Alec starts walking out to the hall, “Okay, babe, babe, just, just…” he stammers nervously, grabbing onto Alec’s hand when he turns around, “I think that the best thing to do at this point is to go back to your life with me.” When Alec goes to protest again, Magnus cuts him off quickly and desperately, “You heard what the doctor said, it's the best thing for your recovery.”

“Okay, but I don't know you.” Alec counters, clearly straining to remain composed, “And I'm just supposed to get in your car and go and live at your place?”

“It's our place.” Magnus interjects in a small voice.

“Without any proof of us even being in love?” Alec goes on as if he hadn’t even spoken.

“Other than our marriage?” Magnus snaps incredulously.

“People get married for all kinds of different reasons.” Alec tells him defensively.

Magnus swallows and nods, having a hard time believing that they’re actually having this conversation right now, but he plays along anyway, “Okay, what kind of reason could it be?”

Magnus is already used to being judged, he’s used to prejudice comments and stares, used to being called out and torn apart. For being asian, for wearing makeup and flamboyant clothes, for being bisexual… he’s heard and been through it all. But he was not used to getting any of that shit from Alec.

Alec eyes him for a short moment, biting his bottom lip like he usually did when he was contemplating, then finally sighs and throws his hands in the air, “Maybe I married you so you could get a green card.” Alec suggests as if it were the most obvious and logical option. And Magnus just freezes, staring at the man who is supposed to be his husband in utter dismay, while Alec goes on, “I don’t mean to judge, it just seems like the most reasonable option.”

“Oh, wow.” Magnus chokes out, because that is wrong on so many levels.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way.” Alec pleads, completely oblivious to Magnus’ inner turmoil.

“What way am I supposed to take this then?” Magnus finally snaps, then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes again, he continues more calmly, “I’m sorry, it’s just… I umm- you’ve never spoken to me like this before.”

“this is all just a lot to take in.” Alec explains, also more calmly, “And I’m just trying to make some sense of it.”

“And so you think I would lie to you now about our marriage?” Magnus asks weakly, “pretend that we were in love… for what?”

“I don’t know.” Alec concedes, then after a short moment of silence, “Did I keep a journal, maybe?”

“No, not that I know of.” Magnus shakes his head, keeping his eyes off his husband, “but we have pictures together, and friends who are like family, they can also tell you.”

But Alec just shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders, “I’m sorry, I just…” then his voice trails off, but Magnus understands anyway. The love of his life now thinks that he tore him away from his family and was keeping him hostage, because he has no evidence to prove otherwise. Magnus never thought he would need that.

**v^v^v^v**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww... poor Magnus, has to prove to his own husband their love.  
> also poor Alec, because waking up so confused and lost must be so difficult and scary.
> 
> anyway, please let me know what you thought and if you have any Malec memories you would like to see.


	3. this is total bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finally leaves the hospital...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there lovelies!
> 
> first off, thank you all so much for all the love and comments, it means the world!
> 
> so... I've done something brave that I've been dying to do for a long time now... I started a blog!! and it would mean the world to me if you came to check it out! you can do so, right here - [MBL writes](https://mblwrites.blogspot.com/)
> 
> thanks a million!

Alec walks out of his private bathroom, dressed in slim fitted black jeans with holes in them, and a tight fitted purple henley shirt, feeling even more uncomfortable than he thought possible. His mother pats him on his chest comfortingly as he walks over to her with a frown, “I guess this is all he could find.” he says, refusing to believe that these were actually his clothing.

“Oh, well.” Maryse sighs, then smiles at him, “it will just have to do for now. But don’t worry, you look fine, honey. I mean, we're just going home, so…”

“It's horrible…” Alec mutters as he looks down at himself, just as the doctor walks into his room.

“Alec?” she calls out to him, and goes on when he turns to her, “I understand you're finally leaving us.”

“Oh, yes, that's what they tell me.” Alec replies with a sigh.

“So, no driving until I give you the say-so. But other than that, I'm gonna see you in four to six weeks.” the doctor explains as she hands him her card, “All right?”

“Thank you so much.” Alec replies as his father shakes the doctor's hand and his mother wraps an arm around his shoulder.

“Thank you, Doctor, for everything.” Maryse says.

“Thank you, Doctor.” Robert also says as the doctor walks out of the room, then turns to his son, “are you ready to leave, son?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Alec replies, just as Magnus comes running into the room, all breathless.

“Wait, hold on.” he calls out, holding up his phone, “I have a voice message from you, you sent it to me a few days before the accident.” when Alec still watches him confused, he explains, “You said you wanted evidence.”

Alec ponders it for a moment, looking at both his parents, then back at Magnus and nods, “Okay, yeah.” he agrees, “I’ll listen to it.”

Magnus smiles and sighs in relief, then presses the play button on the message and Alec’s voice fills the room as they all listen, “Hey, babe, Ugh. I'm sorry, I'm still at my studio. I miss you so bad the characters I'm drawing are starting to look like you. So, what are you doing later? I kind of need some Magnus time, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Anyway, call me when you can. Love you.”

When the message stops playing, all three Lightwoods are looking at him as if waiting for more, and Magnus starts to second guess himself, “I don't know, I guess listening back to it, it doesn't exactly prove anything.” he stammers.

But to his surprise Alec shakes his head, and actually looks a little convinced, “No, no, it's… It's cute.” he says, sounding deeply affected by it, “I mean, I sound happy.”

Magnus takes a careful step closer to Alec and looks him straight in the eyes, “Okay, look. Think about it. You quit business school and left your father’s company, you broke off your engagement to Lydia and you moved to Brooklyn.” he tells him, trying to keep his voice from breaking, “Those were all choices that you made, way before you even met me. I think that you owe it to yourself to honor those decisions, at least for right now.”

Maryse is quick to step forward, “This is a mistake, Alec.” she insists in a stern, but concerned voice. “You can’t go live with this strange… man.”

Magnus averts his gaze to Alec’s parents, “I promise that I will take care of him.” he says adamantly, ignoring the insult in her tone, then turns back to Alec, “Please, come home with me. Come home with me. We'll figure this out together, okay?”

Alec watches him closely, then sighs, “I guess I could just try it out to see if it would help my memory and…” he finally says, looking between Magnus and his parents, “I could always come home if I change my mind.” his parents try to protest, but Alec cuts them off before they can, “I married him. It must have been for some reason.”

His parents are watching them carefully, Alec can clearly tell that they are not liking or approving of any of this, not at all. He had known for a long time that he is bisexual, and despite never saying it out loud, he knew that his parents knew, and that they knew that he knew, but they all came to a silent agreement that as long as he never acted upon it, everything will be fine. And Alec didn’t mind because he was with Lydia, they were high school sweethearts and he was in love with her more than anything. Perhaps all that changed sometime before his accident.

“I am still not sure about letting you go with him.” Roberts said firmly, but to Alec’s surprise, conceds, “but if this is what you want, I won’t stop you.”

*****

Alec looks into the car’s sun visor mirror, examining the scars on his forehead and around his left eye, “I look like a freak.” he mumbles half to himself.

Magnus smiles at him from the driver's seat, “I think you look great.” he says, but Alec just shrugs it off.

Alec watches as they drive through the streets of New York, then turns to Magnus, “So, where do we live?”

“In Brooklyn.” Magnus replies, keeping his eyes on the road, “we used to live in a studio apartment, but we moved into a bigger place after we got married, because it was too small.”

Alec nods and turns his head to look out the window, then after another moment of silence he looks back at Magnus, “Who's the president?” he asks curiously, with so many other questions running through his head.

“Of the country?” Magnus confirms with a chuckle.

“Yeah.”

“Trump.” and when Alec raises a suspicious eyebrow, he confirms his suspicions, “Donald Trump.”

“The businessman?” Alec questions, completely horrified, because, has the world gone completely mad? And how long has he been out exactly?

“Yeah, you voted for him.” Magnus confirms with a smile too amused for Alec’s liking.

“Seriously?” Alec almost yells, feeling disgusted with himself. There is changing, and there is completely flipping. Alec never thought he would be the latter.

Magnus bursts out laughing and waves his hand, “I’m joking, you actually voted for Clinton.”

“Bill Clinton ran again?” Alec questions, dumbfounded and finding nothing amusing in this whole chaos.

“Hillary actually.” 

“Oh, dear god.”

*****

When they arrive outside their apartment, Magnus parks the car and they both walk out, Magnus leading the way through his garden to the apartment entrance, “Welcome home.” he says softly as they stand before the door, then unlocks and opens it, “After you.” he adds and lets Alec walk passed him into the apartment.

Alec hesitates for a moment, but then shrugs and and walks in, only to stumble back when he discovers an apartment full of people, yelling together, “Surprise!” he stares wide eyed at them, completely overwhelmed by the sudden change of pace and volume, “Uh…” he mutters, not knowing how else to react as everyone smiles at him and calls out in greetings.

A dark skinned, tall woman pushes forward and flings herself at him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, “It's good to see you.” she tells him, Alec holds his breath and stays rigid until she steps back, “We were there every day at the hospital, but Magnus didn't want us to overwhelm you.”

Alec looks over at Magnus, still in shock, “Yeah. They were.” he confirms, “Every day.”

“We really missed you.” the woman adds.

Alec nods and swallows hard before asking, “I gather we're close?”

She smiles and nods, and with some hesitation she introduces herself, “I'm Cat. And this is my boyfriend Ragnor.” she points at a tall bearded man behind her, Alec looks over her shoulder and nods at said Ragnor, as he calls out to him, “Hey, Alec.”

Then her and Magnus go on to introduce him to more people, too many people, and he remembers none of them, as they tell him their names and some of them even hug him. Alec had never been a touchy - feely kind of person, and feels like his space is being intruded as everything blurs together.

It is all just too much, he can’t take it, so he stumbles past them, towards the only direction he sees a door at, and stammers as he goes, “I... Sorry, I... Excuse me.” luckily the door he walks through leads to the bedroom, and he finally manages to breathe better once the door is closed behind him, separating himself from all the noise and chaos.

Alec blocks out all the sounds and people talking on the other side of the door, as he moves further into the room looking around. There is a second door leading to the ensuite bathroom and a third leading to a small walk in closet. There is also a large bed with purple sheets and a bunch of throw pillows, with a bedside table on each side. Alec walks to one of them and picks up the book on it, ‘The Elephant Tree’ by R.D Ronald, he skims through it then puts it back down. He looks around at the walls, decorated with drawings, painting and some other decor, and after looking through them he takes a seat on the chair by the vanity table, skimming through the different makeup brushes and other products he doesn’t recognize.

He can hear the noise outside the room, slowly subsiding, then about fifteen minutes later Magnus walks into the room and sits on the bed facing him, but Alec doesn’t even turn to him. “Are you okay?” he asks gently.

Alec snorts, and keeps his gaze firmly away from Magnus, “What do you think?” he mutters.

Magnus sighs, “I know, it's a lot to take in.”

Alec shakes his head, still not looking at him, “No.” he whispers, then finally looks up, “A lot to take in would've been coming home, to a strange apartment, with a man I don't know. That would be a lot to take in. But coming home to all of that, plus a house full of people pulling on me, and hugging me, and crying in my face, and talking about more shit that I don't remember, that's not a lot to take in, that's total bullshit.”

Magnus closes his eyes for a moment, feeling terrible, “You're right.” he says and bows his head, “I just wanted you to meet some of them, I was hoping it would help you remember.”

Alec sighs, “I just want to be alone.” he tells him, looking away.

“Alexander, I'm sorry.” Magnus says softly, looking up at Alec.

“Please just leave me alone.” Alec says firmly, and when Magnus hesitates and doesn’t leave, he snaps, “Are you honestly not gonna leave me alone?”

Magnus is quick to stand and mumble a soft, “I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry.” Alec whispers back as he leaves, then buries his face in his hands and groans, “I’m sorry.”

*****

The next morning Alec wakes up and for a short moment, he forgets. He snuggles further into the comfortable bed and blanket, then when it starts coming back to him, his eyes snap open and look around him. For a moment he believed that perhaps it was all just a bad dream, expecting to see his old room in his parents house, instead he saw the strange room in the strange house he was brought to yesterday. “Shit.” he mutters under his breath and straightens up slowly into a sitting position.

He rubs his face tiredly and then decides to get up and take a shower, taking his time under the hot stream of water, enjoying for a moment the small piece of stillness he finds there. When he is done, he walks out to the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, then makes his way to the walk in closet where he finally catches a glimpse of himself in a full length mirror, and that’s when he sees the blank ink etched into his skin, on the right side of his pelvis, leading down to his groin.

“Holly fuck.” he curses, stepping closer to the mirror and checking it out, it looks like some kind of symbol of sorts, “Oh, my mother's gonna kill me.”

He walks back into the bedroom with a few pieces of clothes he’s found, then just as he is about to take off his towel, Magnus comes waltzing by towards the bathroom, stark naked, rubbing his eyes from sleep, “good morning.” he murmurs, his voice a little raspy.

Alec glances over at him, “good mor -” he begins, but quickly cuts himself off when he sees Magnus naked, then realises that he too is almost naked, and he gasps and holds onto the towel tightly, “don’t you knock?” he snaps, but not unkindly.

“Shit, I’m sorry, it’s a habit.” Magnus says, not even attempting to hide himself, then with a small smirk he adds, “It's not like we haven't seen each other naked before.”

A small laugh escapes Alec’s lips before he can stop himself, “shit, this isn’t funny.” he mumbles, even as he laughs again, “You should knock.”

“I'm sorry.” Magnus says, even though he looks anything but sorry.

They stand staring for a moment, and Alec must admit that Magnus does look absolutely delicious, but he quickly banishes the thought and points at his new tattoo, “I have a tattoo!” he exclaims. Magnus looks down at his tattoo and bites his bottom lip.

Magnus stares at it for a moment, clearly lost somewhere in his head, then finally manages, “umm, well, actually uhh..” he stammers and rubs the back of his head, “you have four.”

“Four?” he shouts, because this is getting way too much, it’s beyond ridiculous, “where?”

“On your back.” Magnus tells him in a tone that clearly insinuates that he is somehow enjoying this a bit, then he turns and walks into the bathroom as Alec races back into the walk in closet to look in the mirror. Sure enough, there are three tattoos along his spine, between his shoulder blades, also of strange symbols.

*****

Alec comes out of the bedroom a little while later, dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans and a black sweater. Magnus is standing in the kitchen, dressed in very,  _ very  _ tight skinny jeans and a green button up, the first few buttons left open. He had on an array of necklaces, bracelets and rings, and had makeup on his face, black nailpolish and a lot of glitter everywhere. When they were at the hospital Alec already noticed all of it, but it was much more subtle and minimal. It was all a little over the top for Alec, but he wasn’t going to say anything, because the last thing he wants is more drama.

But apparently he was staring, and Magnus notices, “something wrong?” he asks and looks down at himself, and there is something so vulnerable and insecure in his eyes and tone, Alec didn’t need to know him to realise he is feeling self-conscious.

“Nope, you look great.” Alec says quickly.

“Oh, thanks.” Magnus replies with a small smile but doesn’t look too convinced, luckily though, he changes the subject as he points to the table filled with food, “I made you breakfast.” he announces, and Alec looks down at all the food he’s made with astonishment.

“Do you normally do all this?” Alec asks.

“This is my way of apologizing, for last night.” Magnus explains and motions for him to take a seat, “it was a terrible move on my part, I guess I just wasn’t thinking and I’m sorry.”

“It's okay, I’m sorry too...” Alec brushes it off and fills his plate with food, then starts eating as they fall into an awkward silence.

“I’m also sorry about before.” Magnus blurts out suddenly, a painful look on his face, “I should have knocked.”

“You already apologized for that.” Alec points out then continues to eat.

“Yeah, right.” Magnus exhales, “sorry.”

“I don't want you to worry about me, okay?” Alec tells him as gently as he can, hating that he causes so much concern and worry for Magnus. Then with the sudden realisation that he doesn’t really know much about him, “Just go about your normal routine and… Do you work? Do you have a job?” 

Magnus chuckles lightly and nods, “yeah, I own a boutique clothing shop.” he explains, which to Alec is not so surprising from what he’s seen of the man so far.

“Oh umm that’s cool, I guess.” he rambles, then after another moment of awkward silence, “so what do I do… usually?”

“You usually get up, make coffee and have some breakfast…” Magnus starts to tell him, nursing a mug of coffee in his hands, “then you usually go down to the studio to design, sometimes when needed you go into the office of the company you work for.” Alec nods along as he sips from his own coffee, wondering what the hell he got himself into, “I could take you down there, to the studio if you want,” Magnus suggests, “show you what you're working on.”

But Alec just shakes his head, because that is the last thing he wants, he just needs more time to himself to adjust, “perhaps a different time, I think it’s all a bit much right now.” he says, and Magnus looks a bit deflated by that, but smiles through it and nods in agreement.

“Oh, okay.” he mumbles.

“You should go to work, I’ll be fine.” Alec goes on, eating from his plate, “maybe later we can make flashcards, or something.”

“Are you sure?” Magnus hesitates as he slowly stands from his seat.

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.” Alec assures him.

“Okay, well, you have my numbers in your phone, and these are your keys.” Magnus explains and hands over a set of keys, which Alec takes and puts them down on the table. Magnus stalls for another moment, looking uncertain, as if struggling to leave Alec on his own.

“I promise, I’ll be fine.” Alec tells him, and Magnus nods.

“Okay then.” Magnus finally concedes, but still makes no move to leave.

“Bye.” Alec urges, because otherwise, Magnus would probably never leave.

“Bye, have a good day.”

“Yeah, you too.” and with one last concerned look, Magnus leaves the apartment, and Alec sighs in relief.

*****

It has been a good few weeks since the last time Magnus has been at his shop, at least not for a full day of work, due to being with Alec at the hospital everyday. As he walks in and through the shelves and hanging rails filled with his clothes, he is torn between how good it feels to be back, to have a semblance of normalcy, and between wanting to be home with Alec, make sure he has everything he needs and isn’t suffering or feeling overwhelmed. But alas, he can’t be absent anymore than he already has.

“Oh my god, Magnus!” Clary’s voice pulls him back out of his head, just in time to brace himself as she races to him, flinging herself into his arms, “it’s so good to finally have you back here.”

“Hey, Biscuit.” he greets back, wrapping his arms around her small frame, “it’s good to be back.”

Clary pulls back then looks at him with compassion, which Magnus hates because he doesn’t like being felt sorry for. “How’s Alec?” she asks with caution.

Magnus sighs heavily, “He’s umm… he’s fine I guess.” he tells her, “well, as fine as can be, it’s not easy.”

“And how about you?” Clary asks, keeping a close, examining eye on him, probably because she knows how much he tends to avoid talking about his own pain and troubles.

“I just… I don’t know, it’s all a little much.” he tells her sadly, “I just miss him.”

“I know, and he will come back to us.” Clary promises with a soft smile as they start making their way to the back office.

“So how are things here?” he asks, eager to change the subject and distract his brain.

“Okay, but it’s not the same without you.” she tells him, showing him some of the designs she’s been working on, “I’ve done my best to hold the fort, but I could never replace you.”

“I’m sure you were just as great.” Magnus smiles at her, then goes back to checking out her designs, “this is good, I really like where you’re going with these.”

“Thank you.” Clary smiles, then hesitates and Magnus can tell that she’s contemplating something.

“What is it, biscuit?” He encourages her.

Clary takes a deep breath before she replies, “well, apparently yesterday we were double booked with two clients who came in for some fittings…” she begins.

“Okay, isn’t that a good thing?” Magnus cuts in, “having too many clients.”

“Well, yeah, it would be…” Clary goes on and grimaces, “but one of them was Hellen Blackthorn, and she wasn’t flexible, so she went to Lorenzo Ray.”

“Seriously Clary?” Magnus grumbles, “she was an important client, you know that she should always,  _ always,  _ be prioritized.”

“Yeah, I know Magnus, but I can’t manage the shop and the private clients, and on top of all that all of the designs.” Clary asserts, “you know I can’t do all that alone.”

“I know, you’re right, but what choice did I have?” Magnus counters, “it wasn’t like I was being careless.”

“I know, I get that and I’m not mad, I just…” Clary sighs and throws her hands to the sides, “I’m just saying that it’s difficult without you, and I need you back here.”

“Okay, well, I’m here now.”

**v^v^v^v**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, what a welcome home... what did you think? was Alec overreacting or was Magnus a little out of line?  
> please let me know your thoughts... 
> 
> please come follow me on my new Instagram account: [MBL.writes](https://www.instagram.com/mbl.writes/?hl=en)
> 
> and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)


	4. oh, I didn't see you there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tries to adjust, but it's not that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, it's been a minute, sorry for that. but i'm back now with a new chapter, yay! I actually really like how this one came out!  
> anyway, thank you all for all the love an support, its really great!
> 
> on another note, I started a blog!! and it would mean the world to me if you came to check it out! you can do so, right here - [MBL writes](https://mblwrites.blogspot.com/)

After Magnus leaves the apartment, Alec takes his time to finish his breakfast in peace, glad to have some quiet time to himself, even if it is in a strange apartment, which he supposedly lives in for a while now, and with a husband no less. Magnus is a beautiful man, and seems to be pretty decent, but for Alec it is too much to take in. 

In what feels to him like a matter of just a few days, Alec went from being closeted and engaged to his high school girlfriend, who he is very much in love with, to being married to a man, and apparently left his family and had become a torn jeans wearing, Hilary Clinton voting, tattooed guy. It all just feels like a bad dream, like one of those movies where the main character ends up in someone else's body, living the other person’s life but with his own memories. Except, Alec isn’t waking up, it seems to be his new reality.

Whether he gets his memories back or not, Alec has to continue living his life, and he feels the need to respect his own decisions and at least try out this new life he had acquired at some point before his accident.

When he’s done eating, Alec roams the apartment, and checks out all the little trinkets and decorations around the house, then moves on to scanning the shelves with different CD’s, pictures and books. There are a few framed photos of Magnus and himself, and also some with other people, he’s pretty sure were at the party last night. It is a strange feeling to see himself in moments he cannot remember.

On one of the shelves there is a small stack of DVDs, on the top one there is a sticky note that says ‘more evidence’. So Alec picks it up, flips it over in his hands and ponders for a moment. Then he looks over at the TV and see’s a DVD player under it, so he walks over and plays it.

Seconds later, Magnus and him appear on the screen, holding hands and smiling, with their friends in the background. It doesn’t take long for him to recognize where they are, it was at the MET. Alec hums to himself and watches intently as the very obviously in-love couple on the screen exchange vows. 

_ “did you write your vows on a napkin?”  _ Magnus’ voice sounds from the TV, and Alec eyes them as they both hold up their napkins, “cute…” he murmurs to himself. Then watches with a soft smile as Magnus goes on to read his vows. It is a beautiful moment, and he finds himself smiling in fondness and laughing along a couple of times, but it still feels strange and detached, like it is not really him, but someone else who happens to look a lot like him.

When the video is over and the screen turns black, Alec keeps staring at it for another long moment, feeling quite annoyed at himself that he can’t remember such a moment, which was clearly significant to him. But how real could it have been if one accident can erase a whole relationship? Wouldn’t he feel something more if he was really that in love?

Feeling suffocated once again, and needing to get out of the apartment filled with memories he can’t remember, Alec quickly puts on a pair of shoes and grabs the keys and wallet Magnus left him, then walks out of the apartment and into the cool air outside, breathing it in deep. He then proceeds walking down the street, looking around in hopes that something will jog his memories, but in vain.

There is a diner at the end of the street, at the opposite corner, there is a large red sign with white writing that says ‘Taki’s Diner’. It looks familiar, but he can’t seem to place his finger on it, so he just shrugs and walks in. Alec walks over to the counter and bends a bit to scan all the different pastries, contemplating what to get himself. “Hello there.” the woman behind the counter greets him with a smile.

Alec straightens up and smiles back at her, “hi.” he greets, then looks back down at the pastries when she asks what he would like, “how about that one?” he points at a random pastry.

The woman frowns, “don’t you want your usual?” she asks.

“Oh, I have a usual?” Alec perks up, earning himself another frown which he ignores, because finally there is a decision he doesn’t have to make, “yes, I will take my usual.” he confirms happily.

Once he receives his pastry and black coffee, relieved that at least his coffee preferences hadn’t changed, Alec exits the diner and continues on his walk around the neighborhood. As he walks through a different street, he passes by shops and many people walking around. It is busy and crowded, and starts to get overwhelming very quickly, and even more so when he realizes he has no idea where he is and how to get back to the apartment, and even worse, that he forgot to take his phone. His eyes scan and search frantically for anything that looks even remotely familiar, for some kind of way out. But there is nothing.

Eventually he goes into one of the shops and walks up to the man at the counter, “hi, can I use your phone please?” he begs almost hysterically, thankful when the man looks at him sympathetically, clearly catching on. “Thank you.” he mumbles when the man hands him the phone, then dials the only number he remembers.

When his call is answered, Alec sighs in relief, “hey, it’s me.” he says quickly, already feeling the panic subside, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to call.”

*****

When Magnus arrives home later, Alec is nowhere to be found. “Alec!” he calls out, walking through the living room and into the bedroom, then checks the bathroom, but the place is empty and worry starts to bubble painfully in his stomach. “Shit.” he mutters under his breath, then pulls out his phone and dials Alec’s number. “Fuck!” he curses loudly when he hears Alec’s phone ringing in the kitchen. Magnus runs out of the apartment and down the street, searching frantically for his lost husband, muttering more curses under his breath as he searches and doesn’t find him.

After an hour of searching the neighborhood and coming up empty, Magnus walks back to their apartment and starts pacing around nervously, hoping that Alec is fine and will be back soon. He almost loses hope when Alec comes walking in half an hour later, wearing a fancy blue sweater and tailored black trousers, his hands filled with bags, “Hey.” Alec greets casually as he sets down the bags.

“Hi…” Magnus replies, a little breathless, “Where have you been?” he questions, and when Alec looks at him confused, he goes on, “I was starting to get a little worried, I thought maybe something happened to you.”

“Sorry.” Alec says with a shrug, “I was lost, physically. Mentally, I guess, as well.”

“Well, you should've called me.” Magnus says a little harsher than intended. 

“Yeah, I forgot the phone” Alec replies defensively, “and I don't know your number by heart, so I called my mother and we made a day of it, which was great.”

“Oh?” is all Magnus can reply, because there are too many emotions in him to pick just one to express.

“She invited us for dinner tonight.” Alec goes on, completely oblivious to the hurricane going on inside of Magnus. When the older man doesn’t reply right away, Alec continues, “You don't have to come if you don’t want to.”

“Well, actually I do have to go, because you're not allowed to drive, so…” Magnus explains, a little annoyed. He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes and counting to three in his head before he looks back at Alec again, “But that's not the point.”

They stay silent for a moment, both clearly frustrated by the situation. Alec is looking away when he starts shaking his head, then looks back at Magnus as he speaks, “You know, maybe I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and remember everything…” he begins to say, his voice surprisingly calm and understanding, “but right now they're the only thing I'm sure about.”

“Okay.” Magnus says quietly, because what else is he supposed to say, how can he possibly say no to that. “We'll go.”

“Okay.” Alec replies with a smile.

“Okay.” Magnus says again, and grabs his car keys off the kitchen counter, then turns to Alec who is eyeing him.

“Are you gonna change?” Alec questions, and Magnus finds himself looking down at his clothing he has on since the morning. Alec used to love the way he dresses, but clearly it’s a bit too much for a visit at the Lightwood manor. And for the new - well, old - Alec.

“Oh, yeah, of course.” he mumbles without looking back up at Alec, then puts the keys back down on the counter and walks off to their bedroom and into the walk in closet, closing the door behind him and taking a deep breath as he leans on the door and closes his eyes.

He takes off most of his make- up, leaving just a bit of eye-liner and some concealer, then takes off his necklaces and bracelets, leaving just the rings on his fingers. Then he undresses, putting on a pair of black chino pants and a dark purple button-up, which is the simplest one he can find, then wears a black waistcoat over it. When he is done, he looks at himself in the mirror, at how so much more toned down he looks. He had sworn to himself a long time ago that he wouldn’t change himself for anyone to make them like him, and he hates himself a little bit more now for breaking that promise. 

*****

It has been quite a long time since Magnus had been to the upper east side, so long that he isn’t even sure when it was. He never really had anything to do there, having spent most of his life in Brooklyn. It was strange driving through it now, especially with the final destination being Alec’s parent town house. Throughout their relationship, Alec had told him some stories about his family and growing up in that environment. But it was always difficult to imagine him as a privileged rich boy, because it was very far from how Magnus got to know him, and driving there now, he was a little scared of the Alec he was going to see, a side he had never gotten to witness.

“Turn right at the traffic light onto Park avenue.” Alec instructs him from the passenger seat, “then another right on 73rd street, it is the fourth house on the left.” It is a little scary how well he remembers all that, as if he was her just yesterday and not five years ago. Magnus just hums in acknowledgment and does as he is told, while Alec looks out the window with an excited smile on his face, “it all looks just as I remember it, I love this street.”

Alec then looks down at the bouquet of flowers he bought for his parents, “You know, this arrangement doesn't exactly say, ‘I'm sorry that we haven't spoken in five years, but now that I have a brain injury, maybe you can overlook it’."

Magnus glances over at him then down at the flowers and back to the road, “You're right.” he agrees, an amused smile growing on his face, “We should've got them forget-me-not's.”

Which is ironic because Magnus was the one forgotten in this case, but he doesn’t dare voice that out loud. Alec hums at his little joke, tilting his head as if considering it, then comes to the verdict, “That's funny.” then with further inspection, he adds, “Actually, that is funny.” but Magnus notes to himself that he doesn’t actually look amused or even smiles. It was strange to see his husband like this, so serious and stingy on his smiles and laughs, it was so completely different to the man he was used to.

“So, well, you've already met my parents…” Alec begins to explain as they walk out of the car and up towards the front door, “my dad will say to call him Robert, but he prefers Mr. Lightwood. And my sister's name is…”

“Isabelle.” Magnus interject, “and your little brother is Max.” When Alec seems surprised by this he explains, “I know a lot about your family, Alec.”

“Oh, right.” Alec hums and nods, “okay, good.”

The Lightwood manor is huge and luxurious, and as they approach it, Magnus can’t help but feel completely out of place. He had seen these kinds of houses before, but only from afar. The home he grew up in was twenty times smaller and less fancy.

When they knock, Maryse comes to meet them at the door, embracing her son tightly, “oh, my boy.” she exclaims, “it is so wonderful to have you back in the house.”

She pulls him inside the house, leaving Magnus stranded at the front door, even though Magnus knows that she has seen him. He has never been a shy guy, but standing there at the entrance of such a grand and upscale home, which was so impossibly crisp and clean, and with Alec already separated from him, he felt completely out of his element.

There was a huge chandelier above his head, hanging from the high ceiling, with sparkly, crystal ornate's in different sizes. There were expensive looking vintage vases, paintings, and sculptures everywhere. Magnus felt like he was in a museum, afraid to move and break something.

“Oh my god, you must be Magnus!” a beautiful young woman, who can only be Isabelle, calls out in excitement as she comes to his rescue, “it is so good to finally meet you.”

Magnus smiles politely at her and accepts her hand when she stretches it out to him, “likewise, I have heard a lot about you.” he replies with his own smile.

  
  


They are sitting down at the huge dining table, set with gold rimmed, white porcelain dishes, crystal wine glasses, and titanium gold plated stainless steel cutlery. Everyone is chatting away in excitement, and Magnus can’t remember the last time he felt so out of place, sitting on the opposite side of the table from Alec, between Max and Simon - who were basically talking over him, while Alec sat beside his sister. “Wow Izzy, I can’t believe you’re actually engaged!” Alec exclaims as Izzy shows him the ring.

“Well, you already knew, in case you were wondering.” Izzy tells him, and when Alec raises an eyebrow at her, she places a hand over her hand and continues with mock disgrace, “do you really think I wouldn’t tell my big brother right away? It’s not my fault you forgot it.”

“Sorry, didn’t plan on it.” Alec smiles at her, “but seriously, Izz, I’m happy for you, and I’m glad to hear that we actually spoke during these five years.” The last words were spoken quietly, clearly only meant for her ears, but Magnus, who is discreetly listening in, hears it too. Alec then looks up at Simon with a threatening gaze Magnus had never seen on him, “you better take care of my baby sister.”

“Wouldn’t dare not to.” Simon promises with an enamored smile as he looks at his fiance’.

Just then the food is brought in to the dining room by two servers, and as they place the dishes on the table, Robert lifts up his wine glass, “Before we eat, I would like to make a toast, to my eldest son.” he says in his deep voice, immediately catching everyone's attention, “it is good to have you back, my boy.”

“It is great to be back here with all of you.” Alec replies and raises his glass, “to family.”

“To family.” they all repeat and sip from their wines.

“So, Magnus, what about your family?” Robert speaks as he turns to him, and Magnus feels shivers run down his spine, “Do you see them often?”

“Oh, umm, well… No.” he stutters, hating the effect the man has on him.

“Oh, that's a shame.” Robert replies, as he begins to put food into his plate.

“Actually, both my parents are dead.” Magnus explains, then looks across the table at Alec and smiles at him, “so it’s just Alec, he’s my family now.” Alec smiles back at him, but it doesn’t even reach his eyes, and Magnus quickly averts his own eyes in self doubt.

“And what kind of work do you do, Magnus?” Maryse questions in a condescending tone, and Magnus just knows she is expecting the worst of him.

“I just opened up my own boutique clothing store a few months ago, in Brooklyn.” he explains with a proud smile, “Alexander actually convinced me to turn it into a business.”

“I did?” Alec questions in surprise, as if he would never do such a thing.

“Yeah.” Magnus replies, a little deflated.

“Isn't that sort of a dying field?” Simon asks, earning himself a stern look from Izzy, but he goes on anyway, “I just mean, that everyone buys online these days, a lot of malls and shops are losing money because of it.”

“Well, I actually design my own clothes.” Magnus explains, he always loves talking about his work and designs, “I either make them from scratch, or use second hand clothing, turn them into something new.” when no one says anything and the silence gets too strained too quickly, Magnus rambles on, “I guess it is meant for people who are looking for unique clothing that can be altered to their liking.”

“But wouldn’t people go for a well known designer for that?” Maryse questions, barely sparing him a glance, “I mean, people always prefer brand names.”

“Mother.” Alec says firmly.

Maryse just feigns innocence, “What?”

“Well, Mrs. Lightwood, not everyone can afford those brands, and I strive to make all my clothes affordable, so anyone can shop at my boutique.” Magnus explains without missing a beat, “and I’d like to think that my work and designs are no lesser than any of the famous brands, I’m actually very proud of them.”

“Well, that’s… nice.” Maryse replies dryly.

After another moment of silence, Simon speaks up again, “but you can also shop for boutique clothing online.” he says matter of factly.

“Simon.” Izzy reprimands with a sharp gaze.

But Magnus just waves it off, “well, it’s like books and music, people can buy it online, even read and listen online, but there will always be those who prefer coming to the store and walking around, trying things on. It all comes with an experience you can’t get online, and I believe in that, and I love being part of keeping that alive.”

“Wow.” Simon says with a polite smile, as the rest echo as well, “Wow.” but no one really looks very impressed, and Magnus is glad when they move on to a different topic.

  
  


“I heard everyone is gonna be here tonight.” Izzy says in excitement as they walk into a very fancy, very upscale bar, and as Magnus looks around at all the well dressed people and the elegant looking drinks being served, he can’t help but think that he never even had the slightest desire to go to such a place, and up until not long ago, he thought that neither did Alec.

“This kind of thing might be a little too much for Alec.” Magnus says, remembering the welcome home party he threw for him. How overwhelmed Alec was by the noise and many people crowding him.

“Oh, no, I'm good here, actually.” Alec is quick to dismiss his concerns as he walks along the room with Izzy. Magnus frowns and is barely able to not take that as an insult, as he walks along behind them. “Isn't that Annamarie Highsmith?” Alec asks suddenly, looking off to the side at a blonde woman about their age.

Izzy looks over at said woman with a stink-eye, then back at Alec, pulling him past quickly, “yeah, we don't really hang out anymore.” she says with no further explanation, then as they reach their table, “God, you have been away a long time.”

“Oh, my God!” Alec exclaims as he sees all the people at the table, rushing over to them.

Simon comes up to Magnus, pats him on the back and gives him a sympathetic smile, “Good luck, man.” he says, then walks off to sit.

Magnus just stands there awkwardly, feeling even more like an alien, and hating that he just doesn’t belong here. He hates even more the thought that jumps at him next,  _ you don’t fit in this part of Alec.  _ because it's the truth he’s been afraid to admit. Because he knows that if Alec never remembers, he may never fit in it.

Alec finally turns to him, and Magnus tries to ignore the pang in his heart when Alec looks a little surprised that he’s still here. He shoves down his own discomfort and distress that Alec actually forgot him, and smiles politely at Alec’s friends who also turn to him. “Sorry. Magnus, these are my friends from high school.” Alec explains, “This is Jace, Raj and Andrew.”

Magnus scans the two beautiful blonde boys and the dark handsome Indian guy, they are so different from anyone in his world, and that’s from just looking at them, “hi, nice to meet you.” he greets politely and shakes their hands.

“What about me?” a soft woman’s voice asks from behind them, causing Alec to turn almost instantly, “don't I get an introduction?”

Magnus doesn’t need an introduction to know who the gorgeous, blue eyed, blonde woman is, and not because Alec had shown him once a picture and told him about her, no, Magnus can tell by the look in his husband’s eyes, the one he is used to having directed at him. Any other kind of pain is preferable to the one Magnus feels as he watches Alec smile at Lydia as if she is the only person in the room, “Hi.” Alec rasps out.

“Hey.” Lydia replies with her own enamored smile.

Alec shakes his head as if to wake himself up, and without even glancing towards Magnus, he says, “Sorry, this is…”

“Lydia.” Magnus completes for him.

“It's been a long time.” Lydia says, not even acknowledging Magnus, keeping her eyes intently on Alec.

“Has it?” Alec asks in a weak voice, “It doesn't seem like it.” he adds, then very obviously scans his eyes over her, “You haven't changed a bit.”

“I'm not sure if he’s mentioned it…” Magnus quickly cuts in and steps forward, “I'm Magnus.”

Lydia grabs his outstretched hand and shakes it, “Hi.” she says dryly.

“I’m Alec's husband.” Magnus adds a little too possessive, wishing he could grab onto Alec and hold him close, but feeling like he can’t really.

“Right.” Lydia says dismissively then turns back to Alec, “I'm getting myself a drink, would you like one?”

“I’ll have a Jack on the rocks.” Alec tells her.

“Really?” Magnus blurts out with a frown.

But Alec’s attention is still solely on Lydia as she smiles back at him and nods, “Yes, I remember.”

When Lydia walks away, Alec sits down with his friends and quickly falls into excited chatter, “oh, man, Alec, do you remember when we were in the ninth grade, and we were getting ready for the Christmas dance, and you tried out hair gel for the first time?” one of Alec's friends asks, Magnus already forgot his name, it was one of the blonde ones.

“Shit, I do.” Alec laughs, “oh god , it looked terrible.”

Magnus shoves his hands into his pockets and looks around helplessly, wondering what the hell he is supposed to do with himself, while Alec exchanges memories with his friends.

**v^v^v^v**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo? what did you think?  
> poor Magnus, feeling so out of place. and I also feel bad for Alec, must be so rough and confusing to lose your memories like that.
> 
> can't wait to hearr what you think.


	5. you used to crave my touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec both try to deal with the aftermath of seeing Lydia again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there my lovelies!  
> thanks so much for all the love and support, it warms my heart every time without fail.
> 
> here I am with chapter number five! half way! yay!

**v^v^v^v**

_ They were both pretty broke when they got married, so an exotic honeymoon wasn’t even an option, and they had to settle for something more… local. “I promise, when we’re rich and famous, I’ll take you anywhere in the world you want.” Alec had promised him as he drove, “no matter how far.” That time around, the furthest they could afford was a small resort on the beach in Cape Cod. _

_ Magnus smiled at him softly, reaching out to lay his hand on Alec’s thigh, giving it a strong squeeze, “you know that I don’t care where we are, as long as we’re together.” he promised. Alec turned his head for a second to smile at him, as he lay his hand on top of Magnus’. “Besides,” Magnus goes on suggestively, a small mischievous smirk on his lips, “I don’t plan on leaving the room much.” _

_ Alec huffs and shakes his head, but there is no heat, just fondness, “your terrible.” he announces, tightening his grip on Magnus' hand. _

_ “Yeah well, you’re stuck with me now.” Magnus retorts, and Alec’s huge smile tells him that he does not mind that at all. When Alec loosens his grip, Magnus allows his hand to roam up and down Alec’s thigh, then towards his clothed dick, causing Alec to jolt slightly. _

_ “Magnus.” he scolds, but then moans and bucks his hips up slightly into Magnus’ touch, to get more friction. “Shit, you're gonna kill us both.” he adds, trying to keep his focus on the road. _

_ “You don’t seem to mind.” Magnus smirks triumphantly, “besides, can you blame me? We left before we could even consummate our marriage.” they had filled up their car to a full tank and took to the road as soon as they left the MET.  _

_ Alec laughed lightly as Magnus continued his ministrations on his hardening cock. “Just a couple more hours and then I can fuck you silly.” Alec promised, but Magnus was impatient and wouldn’t let up, he opened Alec’s button and zipper on his pants, then pulled out his cock. “Shit, Magnus.” Alec muttered, but his husband was stubborn and determined. _

_ Magnus lowered his head and quickly sucked Alec’s tip into his mouth, slowly working his way down. Alec’s hand found its way into Magnus’ hair, clutching and tugging, as his other hand kept a strong grip on the steering wheel. It wasn’t the first time, and Alec could still keep his focus on road and driving. Luckily the road was also large and empty. _

*****

_ When they finally arrived at their room in the resort, Alec was so worked up, he barely managed to close the door before shoving Magnus against it. They were both panting, moaning and cursing into each other's mouths, as they worked on getting naked. “That was the longest four hours of my life.” Alec whispered between kisses, “I just wanna fuck you on every surface in this room.” _

_ Magnus chuckled, then moaned loudly as Alec sucked and licked along his neck, “fuck, yes, please.” he breathed out, as Alec started to work his hands down his back, to his ass, giving it a squeeze before yanking him up. Magnus jumped into it and wrapped his legs around Alec’s waist.  _

_ They lost track of time and rounds, it was probably hours later when they both lay on their backs on the bed, panting, sweating and completely fucked out. “Shit, that was... “ Magnus began, but then trailed off as Alec pulled him closer again. _

_ “Yeah, it was.” Alec agreed, then locked their lips together in a languid, sloppy kiss, as his hand found its way back to Magnus’ ass. “You got one more round in you?” _

_ “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Magnus exclaimed with a laugh, as he felt alec grind his already hardening cock against him, “you’re insatiable.” _

_ “You’re just so yummy, what can I do?” Alec retorted, his finger circling Magnus’ entrance, causing him to moan. _

_ “You're such a corny dork.” Magnus murmured against his lips, as they continued to kiss lazily. _

_ “Plus, I wanna top you one more time.” Alec added, pushing Magnus onto his back and laying on top of him, “I didn’t get to make love to you just like this.” Then he was kissing Magnus again, and the older man couldn’t say no to him, his body automatically becoming pliant at his touch. _

**v^v^v^v**

“Ow!” Clary yelps for the fourth time, after being stung yet again by Magnus’ needles. 

“Shit, sorry.” Magnus is quick to apologise, dropping his arms and sitting back on his heels. “It’s just… I can’t get last night out of my head, and it’s driving me insane.” Clary gives him a sympathetic look, which he absolutely hates, as he rubs his face in frustration. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clary questions softly and carefully. Magnus looks up at her, then back down at the dress he is fitting on her and shakes his head.

“No.” he replies stubbornly and decisively, “I just want to finish this dress.” Before she can protest or respond, Magnus is already back to pinning the dress. 

“Okay, I’m not gonna push, but know that I’m here if you need to talk.” she tells him, straightening up to give him better access. Magnus just hums, and keeps pinning with amuck, which causes her to grimace, because she knows the sting will come again.

Magnus starts to grumble and grunt under his breath, and Clary does her best to keep quiet and not offer up her help or comfort. But then Magnus sighs heavily and drops the pin cushion he’s holding, leaning back on his heels again. “God, Clary, you should have seen him!” Magnus exclaims ferociously. Clary opens her mouth, but before she can utter a word, he goes on blindly, standing up and beginning to pace, “I mean, It was like he was some Tom Ford wearing, Jack Daniels drinking, frat boy.”

Clary forces herself to compose, and not laugh at Magnus’ rant, “that doesn’t sound like Alec.” she observes, tilting her head to the side.

Magnus stops pacing and looks at her with crazy eyes, “no, it doesn’t.” he agrees angrily, then starts pacing again. “there was no trace of Alec last night, not the one that I knew anyway.” Magnus throws his hands in the air and stops pacing again, then folds his arms protectively around himself and sighs.

“Shit, that’s rough.” Clary says, not knowing how else to respond and help.

“And that wasn’t even the worst of it…” Magnus goes on, a little calmer, “Lydia was there.”

“ _ The  _ Lydia?” Clary asks with wide eyes.

Magnus sighs again and nods, “yes,  _ the  _ Lydia.” he confirms with a small scoff.

“Ex-fiance, Lydia?” Clary verifies again.

“Oh, no, no, no.” Magnus laughs almost manically, growing angry again as he goes on another rant, “No, in Alec’s mind, it's current fiance Lydia, and he was even flirting with her right in front of me.”

Clary scowls and curses again under her breath, “what a dick.” she blurts out, then gasps in shock of herself, “shit I’m sorry.” she says quickly, but then, before Magnus can respond, she takes it back angrily, “no, actually I’m not sorry. He may have lost his memories, but that is no excuse for him to treat you like that.”

Magnus actually smiles at that, looking amused, “you’re right, it isn’t an excuse.” he agrees, then drops the smiles, “but he doesn’t seem to think so.” he goes on bitterly with a glare, “He just ignored me the whole night, probably annoyed at having his stranger husband cock-blocking him all night.”

“Wow, that is a lot to get my mind around.” Clary mumbles and Magnus just nods, sitting down at his desk chair looking defeated. “It’s completely fucked up, but maybe once he gets to know you again, he’ll realise just how awesome you are.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Magnus says, not sounding too convinced, “I just hate that I have to compete for my own husband’s affection.”

“I know, it’s terrible, but moping over it won’t help either.” Clary tells him, not unkindly, “and you already know exactly what he likes, so it should be easy.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Magnus agrees with a sigh.

Clary takes off the dress then comes to sit by Magnus on the other chair. She bites her bottom lip and hesitates for a moment, before asking, “So, what turns him on?”

“Alec?” Magnus questions in confusion.

“No, his mother.” Clary retorts sarcastically, “Yes, Alec.”

“Like, in bed?” Magnus asks awkwardly.

“Oh, my God, Magnus.” Clary exclaims, “since when do you get shy?”

“It's private, not to mention wrong to talk about with my employee.” Magnus explains.

“And friend!” Clary adds quickly, “we can take our lunch break now, that’s friends territory.” then after another moment of Magnus’ hesitation, she adds, “Hey, I'm not gonna judge.”

Magnus chuckles and nods lightly, “well, if you must know, he likes it when I massage the dimples above his ass.” Magnus finally tells her, in a hushed voice even though they’re alone.

“Seriously?” Clary questions with a frown.

“I Thought you weren't going to judge.” Magnus snaps, but not unkindly.

“Shit, no, I’m sorry.” Clary is quick to shake her head, “it’s just… I wasn’t expecting that, it’s random.” she explains with a small smile, “I don't care if you're into kink.”

“It's not like that, Clary.” Magnus chastises, “It just breaks him down when he's stuck in his head.”

Clary smiles again, then says, “Okay, then you should give that a shot.”

“You think so?” Magnus questions doubtfully.

“Yeah, why not?” Clary replies with a shrug, “What do you have to lose?”

*****

Alec walks out of the elevator with determined steps, making his way into the office and past the front desk, calling out to the receptionist as he walks, “Hey Lisa.”

“Hey.” she calls out, and Alec can hear her confused, “Alec?” as he continues to make his way across the main lounge area to his destination. As he approaches the open office door, Alec can already hear Lydia’s voice, probably talking on the phone.

“Because I've been dealing with these people forever,” she says, then turns as Alec walks into her office, “and I know they have…” her voice trails off and a small smile appears on her face when she notices him. Alec waves at her lamely, and her smile just grows wider as she signals with her fingers to give her a minute, “Hey, something important just popped up.” she speaks again into the phone, “I'm gonna call you right back. Okay.”

Lydia hangs up then turns to Alec again, “Hi.” She greets him.

“Hi.” Alec greets back in awe. Lydia then invites him to sit, and they both take a seat by her large oak desk. They sit for a moment in silence as Lydia gives him a questioning look.

“So, you remember that time at the lake…” Alec begins with a soft tone, “when you told me you'd always have my back, no matter what?”

“The night in the boathouse.” Lydia validates.

“Mmm-hmm, yeah.” Alec confirms as well, nodding his head as they smile at each other. It was a great memory, during a weekend away, after they’ve both finished their exams. They were both exhausted and needed a break. It was at the end of their first year at school, when they were almost three years together. “So, can you please tell me what went down with us?” Alec asks quietly, desperate for an explanation, for something to make sense.

“Only you, Alec, can dump a gal, then come back and demand answers.” Lydia scolds heatlessly, slightly amused even.

Alec grimaces, “So I dumped you?” he asks, dumbfounded.

“A cruel, hard, pre-wedding dumping.” Lydia tells him harshly, but still smiling slightly.

“Why?” Alec asks her in bewilderment.

“Well, that's a question that I and all of my friends and the two rebound guys,” Lydia begins to explain as Alec watches her horrified, “yeah, we'd all love an answer too.”

“Come on, seriously.” Alec insists, “I must have had some kind of reason.”

Lydia sighs and shrugs, leaning back in her chair, “You… You changed.” she begins, with a sad smile, “You talked differently, you dressed differently. You weren't sure about business school anymore.” Alec sighs as she explains, having a hard time believing she is talking about him, “And you definitely weren't sure about me anymore.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” Alec mutters, “so did I ask for your ring back?”

“Yeah, you did.” Lydia confirms, and Alec winces.

“And I see no one else gave you one?” Alec questions, trying to sound nonchalant, but failing miserably, if Lydia’s pained look was anything to go by.

“No one yet.” Lydia confirms, kindly letting him off the hook, “But I've been with Roger. You remember? From Gwen's class.” Alec nods slowly as Lydia goes on explaining, “I've been with Roger for about a year now.” and when Alec hums sadly, she adds in a slightly frustrated tone, “I couldn't wait forever, Alec.”

Alec nods again slowly, “You couldn't have anticipated that I'd have a brain trauma and forget our break-up and come waltzing into your office demanding answers?” Alec questions, trying to sound as light as possible, despite his grim mood, “What's wrong with you?”

They both laugh lightly, but it just comes out tense, so Alec quickly stands up and Lydia follows suit. “I'm sorry, I'm gonna let you go back to work.” Alec mumbles awkwardly as Lydia circles her desk to stand in front of him.

“Sure.” Lydia says, barely above a whisper as they step closer and embrace each other. They hold each other for a long moment, then as they pull away, Alec cups her face and they both lean in closer for a kiss, placing their lips together tenderly. When they pull away, Lydia whispers, “Sorry.”

Alec shakes his head softly as they both pull completely away and step back, “I'm sorry.” he tells her.

“I was not expecting that.” Lydia tells him with a confused tone.

“It’s a habit, I guess.” Alec says with a shrug, looking anywhere but at her. They both just stand there in silence, and Alec ponders in that time, how he even ended up here. “I honestly didn't even know where I was headed until I found myself here.” he explains, finally breaking the silence. Lydia folds her arms and watches him as he goes on, “It just seems so ridiculous to me that I shut everyone out for five years.” Lydia shrugs, all out of answers as Alec struggles to keep his composure. “It just doesn't feel right.” he adds then bites his bottom lip.

*****

Magnus takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself before he goes through the door, but it does nothing to calm his nerves. So he sighs heavily and walks into the apartment, to find Alec sitting on their large table, a huge array of photos spread all around him. A sight that causes him to pause for a moment, then smile fondly.

Alec looks up when he hears him coming closer, “Hey.” he greets with a small smile, looking up from the pictures.

“Hey.” Magnus greets back, walking around the table and putting away his bag and jacket.

“How was your day?” Alec asks, looking back at the photos in his hands.

“Uh… It was fine, a lot of work to catch up on.” Magnus tells him, then comes closer to check what he’s doing, “I'm just happy to be home with you.” he adds, then pecks Alec on the cheek. His husband looks reserved about it, but allows it. Magnus is used to so much more, but he’ll take what he can get for now.

“Sorry about the mess here.” Alec says, as he continues to scan the photos.

“No problem.” Magnus waves it off, an amused smile on his face, “What, are you collaging?”

Alec quickly looks up at that and raises his eyebrows, “Do I collage?”

“No, not that I remember.” Magnus shrugs and chuckles lightly.

“Oh, okay. Well, I was just so inspired, just seeing everybody last night.” Alec tells him, picking up more photos.

“To collage?” Magnus questions with a frown, confused.

“All those memories just came flooding back to me,” Alec goes on in an excited tone, looking around himself at all the pictures, “so I thought I'd make a timeline, you know, of my life.”

“Oh, wow, that's... That's great.” Magnus tells him, watching him with a fond smile, “That's a great idea actually.” 

“Yeah.” Alec agree’s, then winces slightly, “I kind of rummaged through some of your stuff.” he tells him with a worried look, “I hope you don't mind.”

Magnus shakes his head dismissively, “It's fine. It's fine.” he’s quick to assure, “What's mine is yours. I even have a certificate from the State of New york to prove it.”

Alec looks at him and nods, “Yes, I found that.” he says matter of factly, then turns to the other side of the table, “It's in the lost years. See, I started over here.” he shows Magnus, picking up and pointing at the different pictures, “I found some family photos, me when I was little, stuff like that. That was easy to put into chronological order because I remember that stuff.”

“That's good, right?” Magnus asks, as Alec looks up at him again.

“Yeah, yeah. I guess so.” Alec affirms, then sighs heavily, and gets up off the table, “But what I've been trying to do is pinpoint the last memory I had before everything just went blank.”

Magnus bites his bottom lip, then asks, “How's that going?”

“I think I was at Lenfest Café on campus, and I was asking them if they had those special pastry sandwiches left.” Alec explains with a frown, then bites his lower lip. It is the same look he always got when he was focused and deep in thought, Magnus found it adorable, “And I don't remember the answer.” Magnus hums at that and walks closer, standing beside Alec, as he went on in more frustration, “That's it, that's all, that's my last memory before I woke up in a hospital.”

Magnus smiles gently at him, then in a low worried voice, “Oh, no.” he says trying to keep serious, “How are we ever gonna know if they had pastry sandwiches?”

That manages to get a smile on Alec’s face, even a small chuckle, but it quickly turns into a groan as he rubs his eyes and leans forward onto the table, “God, this is not happening.” Alec mutters in frustration, leaning his forehead against his arms on the table.

“It's okay.” Magnus tries to comfort, hesitantly laying a hand on Alec’s back.

“This is not happening.” Alec grumbles under his breath, making strained noises.

“Hey, it will be Okay, don’t worry.” Magnus tries again, but to no avail, as Alec stays hidden and leaning on the table, “No, no, no, please don't do that, come on.” he goes on, massaging Alec’s shoulders gently with both hands. When Alec doesn't flinch or pull away, Magnus takes a deep breath, and before he can convince himself not to, he lowers his hands down the younger man's back.

“What…?” he barely hears Alec, as he is focused on finding just the right spot, but as soon as Magnus’ hands reach the dimples above Alec’s ass, he barely pushes down on them and his husband is already gasping loudly and leaping away from him, causing Magnus to stumble and almost fall over. “Hey!” Alec calls in surprise, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Magnus quickly steps back, playing with the rings on his fingers, and looking anywhere but at Alec, “shit, I'm sorry.” he quickly stammers, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…” what exactly? Alec had never flinched or jumped away from his touch like that. Quite the contrary actually, he is used to Alec craving it. And that is supposed to be his favorite move, how could he hate it so much now?

“I'm sorry. Was that…” Alec begins, more gently. Magnus sneaks a small glance at him, and can see the remorse on his features, but it does nothing to soothe the ache and stinging feeling of rejection. “Was that one of our things?”

Magnus swallows hard around the new found lump, then clears his throat, “Yeah, kind of. It…” he begins in a small voice, looking down at his hands. Then turns and starts to walk towards their bedroom, “but no worries.”

“I'm sorry…” he hears Alec calling after him, but he keeps moving away, biting his bottom lip and struggling to keep his composure.

“No. You don't have to say it.” Magnus strains to keep his voice from breaking, “You don't. I get it.” when he gets to the bedroom door he takes a deep breath and turns around. He is a little surprised to see that Alec followed him, standing a few steps away. He waves his hand and goes on rambling, “It'll all come back, we just have to keep doing what we're doing, let you fall back into your life. It'll all sort itself out.”

Then Magnus walks into the bedroom, “Yeah.” he hears Alec mumble as he dashes towards the walk in closet, closing the door behind him. He leans his back on one of the closet doors and struggles to breathe. His chest heaving as he clutches his eyes shut.

“Shit.” he chokes out, finally allowing the tears out. Then Magnus covers his mouth with his hand, trying to muffle the sound of the uncontrollable sob that escapes.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Magnus, having his husband flinch like that from his touch. I mean, I know for Alec it's quite overwhelming, I get it, but I would absolutely die if I was Magnus. what do you guys think? how much longer do you think Magnus will be able to be patient and put up with this old/new Alec?


	6. I am not your punching bag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is more conflicted than ever, but finally something falls into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies!  
> OMG that responses to chapter 5 were intense! I know that you guys hate that Alec kissed Lydia, I hate it too! but that kiss had to happen for several reasons which will be revealed in the next few chapters, starting in this one. I would never endorse cheating, no matter what, but this is a story... not to mention that Alec is humans, and part of what makes us human, is making terrible mistakes sometimes. sooo...
> 
> anyway, that being said... I do have a small rant to go on...
> 
> AUTHORS NOTE / RANT:  
> so I was contemplating whether on not to bring this up, but it has been really bugging me and making my belly flip. so after I posted chapter 5 I received an anonymous DM on Tumblr basically reprimanding me for tagging Alec as bisexual, because it's "disgusting" and takes away from the gay representation. this anonymous said that I could have chosen any other character to write about. and I had a lot to say about this, but by the time I tried to reply, the message was deleted. so I decided to respond here, because it is important to me to get this message out, not only to anonymous, but to anyone shaming people about their fan-fiction choices. -- I’m very sorry for making anyone feel this way, and it’s okay because we each deserve our own opinions and preferences. Which means I do too. You may think it’s an excuse, but it really is just for the storyline purposes, it’s no different then all those other stories out there where they show parts of Alec and Lydias relationships. And if you’ve read anything I wrote you know how pro Malec I am. And there’s barely any Alec/Lydia in this story anyway, I have no desire in them being together in any way, just like I have no desire of writing any other ship besides Malec. It’s called fanfiction for a reason. None of it is real and it’s supposed to be fun and entertaining, all in good and positive vibes. 99.9% of my Malec fics have a VERY gay Alec and I’m a huge supporter of that. But again, we each have our own preferences and it’s okay not to like something, I also have fics that I choose not to read because I enjoy something else more. So I’m fine with not everyone agreeing or liking, but I’m not fine with people criticizing and canceling out someone else’s preferences. Especially since it’s all done in good spirits with no intention of disrespecting or hurting anyone. 
> 
> that's it. sorry for the rant, and hopefully no one's feelings get hurt. we're all here just to read more Malec and have a great time.

**v^v^v^v**

Alec steps out of the bedroom in cautious, silent steps. He looks over at the couch where Magnus is still fast asleep. The previous night, after their little… hiccup, Magnus sped into their room, took a shower and went straight to sleep on the couch. Alec wanted to talk to him so he could apologise for freaking out earlier, but by the time he realised that Magnus was out of the room, he was already pretending to be asleep. So Alec decided to respect that and not cause any more awkwardness.

He still has no idea what to say or how to make it better, but at the end of the day it was all really overwhelming for him and it was difficult to digest it all. Being married, and to a man at that… from what he remembers, he had never been touched by a man before, so when Magnus did it the night before, he was caught off guard. Not to mention, that he had never been a very touchy man, so for him it was uncomfortable when someone he didn’t know touched him, especially in such an intimate place. 

Instead of things falling into place and becoming more clearer, everything is just becoming more and more confusing and messed up. Especially after everything with Lydia yesterday. He got caught up in the moment, because to him they’re still in a relationship, and something about seeing her again had him blinde for a moment. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt like something just wasn’t right. Which makes sense, given his lack of memories, but it was more than that. When he was out of Lydia’s office, and thinking more clearly, all he could think about was Magnus, and how stupid he is for kissing Lydia while Magnus had been nothing but understanding and patient with him.

Then he was tossing and turning all night, his mind racing. Something about the kiss with Lydia felt wrong. And he was glad in a way that it happened, even though it was a jerk move on his part, because it was lacking the fireworks he thought there would be. The kiss made something in him snap, and more confused than ever. He also couldn’t think about what an idiot he was for how he reacted to Magnus’ touch. He didn’t mean to, he was just caught off guard. And while he was tossing and turning in bed, he couldn’t get Magnus’ pained look out of his head.

He’s not sure if it’s best just to forget and move forward for now, or sit and talk about it. As he walks out the room and into the lounge, Magnus slowly comes into view, laying on his side with a blanket covering from his hip down, leaving his naked chest bare. Alec stops a couple of steps away and looks down at his sleeping, makeup-less face. He may have been deep in a relationship with Lydia back then, but he still remembers wondering sometimes what it would be like to be with a man. He remembers the anxiety he would have, thinking about his engagement to Lydia, and how it meant he would never get to explore that side of himself. Perhaps sometime after that he actually had the courage to fight for what he wanted deep down, and was afraid to admit that.

He watches Magnus for a few more moments, feeling a little like a creep, but unable to tear his eyes away. He was a beautiful man, with and without all the flair. He’d noticed it even when he first woke up without his memories of him. Alec notes how peaceful he looks, more than he had seen him so far. His raven black hair is splayed over the pillow, and some strands are covering his forehead and eyes. Alec’s hand moves on it’s own accord, before he even realises what he’s doing. Next thing he knows, his hand is caressing those silky soft strands gently, then moves them out of Magnus’ eyes.

Alec pulls his hand away quickly, when Magnus starts to stir. He then hurries towards the kitchen, trying not to bump into anything, or knock something over on the way. Once he makes it to the kitchen, he starts preparing a pot of coffee. As he watches the pot fill slowly, an idea pops into his head. So he pours two mugs of coffee and takes a couple of steps towards the lounge. But then pauses, looks down at the mugs he is holding and realises he has no idea how Magnus takes his coffee. He struggles for a moment with himself, contemplating what the hell to do. By the time he decides to just wake up Magnus and ask him, the man is already stretching and waking up

Alec takes a deep breath and steps into Magnus’ view, “Hey.” He greets quietly as Magnus sits up and looks at him with a small smile.

“Hey, good morning.” Magnus greets back, then thanks him graciously when Alec hands him one of the mugs.

“I don’t know how you drink it, but I can add milk and sugar if you’d like.” Alec tells him, feeling awkward and strange. 

Magnus smiles at him and stands, “it’s okay, I’ll do it.” He says and walks off into the kitchen, adding over his shoulder, “but thanks.”

Alec sighs and sits down on the couch, “yeah, you’re welcome.” He mumbles, not even sure if Magnus can hear him. He sips his black coffee as he listens to Magnus moving around in the kitchen behind him, and stares ahead of him at the bookshelves. 

When Magnus steps back into the lounge, and after a short hesitation sits on the armchair, Alec takes a deep breath before sharing his new decision, “I think I'm ready to see my studio now.” He says quietly, causing Magnus to look up at him and finally lock eyes, “Will you show it to me?” He questions when the other man made no attempt to say anything. 

Magnus averts his eyes again and sips from his coffee, then slowly nods, “Yeah, sure.” He agrees with a small smile. And Alec is glad he is finally making him smile, and glad for this “bonding” opportunity.

When they’re both done with their coffees, Magnus leads the way out of the apartment, “Come on.” He says softly as they walk out the front door, “it's just around here.” Alec tries not to cringe or show his nerves as they walk into the alley by their building and down a couple of steps. They stop in front of a large metal door which Magnus unlocks with the key he is holding.

Magnus opens the door and allows Alec to walk in first. There are huge boards and desks filled with sketches and drawings. On one of the desks there is a tablet and a special pen, and a bunch of pencil colours and pens organised neatly on the other desk, next to a pile of sketch pads. “This is the first studio you've ever had to yourself.” Magnus tells him with a small proud smile, as Alec walks around the space and scams the different sketches. “It's a cool space, huh?”

Alec looks up at him for a moment and just hums in agreement. It was a great space, and the sketches were pretty great. He had gotten much better at it from what he can remember. But it was just so strange and unsettling that he actually threw everything he’d worked so hard for, for this. 

“You weren't sure you liked it at first, though.” Magnus goes on, as Alec turns his back on him so he can check out the rest of the studio, “but we fell in love with the apartment, and this space is owned by the same landlord, not to mention how close it is,” Magnus continues, fiddling with his fingers, “but then you made it your own, fixed it up a bit, and after that I couldn't get you out of here.” Alec looks up at him again from over his shoulder, hums in acknowledgement and then goes back to scanning his sketches. “You would come in and crank your music, and you'd get lost in a project, and I'd have to come and remind you that it was night-time.”

“Oh… that’s umm, interesting.” Alec tries to sound genuine, but is painfully aware of how hard he is failing. So before he can make it any worse, he quickly turns to one of the boards and scans the characters drawn in many different positions and expressions. 

“Those are for your latest project, they’re the completed ones.” Magnus explains then shows him a few unfinished sketches on one of the desks. “These are the ones you’re still working on.”

“What is it supposed to be?” Alec questions after he scans them.

“I'm not sure if you even knew yet.” Magnus tells him with a fond smile, “but you can try it out, see if you can figure out what it wants to be.”

“Okay.” Alec mumble awkwardly, because he doesn’t know what else to say, or how to turn that down. He sits down by his latest sketches and awkwardly tries to pick a pen, but quickly gives up and shakes his head, “I don't… I don't really know how to use this thing.” He says in frustration, looking up at Magnus.

But Magnus just smiles and urges him on, “Sure you do.” Then his eyes shine with an idea that pops into his head, “Wait, hold on.” He says and turns to the stereo on one of the shelves, and presses play. Loud music, terrible comes blaring on as Magnus shouts over it, “That's better. Come on.” He says with a smile, then when Alec makes no attempt to sketch, “Just try it, might be fun.”

But the music is too loud, and so is the huge mess in his head, and together it's just complete chaos. “Can you just turn down the music, please?” He pleads with a grimace, wishing for something to make sense. 

But Magnus just goes on as he skips forward, closer to Alec, “I swear you used to listen to it so much louder than this.” He says with a smile, handing Alec a few pens, “I never could understand how you would just be able to focus -“

“I have a clinically bad, goddamn headache!” Alec snaps loudly, cutting Magnus off, “Please turn down the music!” He adds, throwing the pens across the room and slamming his hands down on the table.

Magnus flinches and steps back defensively, then slowly steps away and turns off the stereo. When he turns back around to face Alec, there is a pained expression on his face that breaks Alec’s heart in a way that surprises him more than anything that has happened since he woke up in the hospital. He is suddenly struck by the urge to make the sadness dissolve from his eyes, but doesn’t know how to. “I'm trying to help you!” The older man snaps before Alec can even attempt to make it better, “But I am not your punching bag.” Alec clenches his jaw and looks away, no longer able to hold the gaze, it is too much. He hadn’t seen him lose his cool like this yet, and the impact it had on him was unexpected. “We don't speak to each other like this.”

Then they both fall silent, and Alec can feel Magnus’ eyes burn him, but doesn’t dare look up again. Finally the older man sighs heavily and breaks the strained and tense silence, “This is hard for me too, Alec.” He says in a small, almost broken voice, which suggests that he is on his final thread. Which oddly enough, makes Alec panic, because he had taken him for granted and suddenly he realises just how much, and how much he doesn’t want that thread to tear.

Alec dares to look up at him again, just as Magnus bites his bottom lip, shakes his head and shrugs his shoulder in defeat. He looks like he wants to say something, and Alec almost wishes that he does, because he has no idea how to get out of this and how he is supposed to respond to that. But then Magnus turns away and leaves the studio, as Alec remains rooted to his spot, helpless and lost more than before. 

By the time Alec goes back in the house, Magnus is already ready for work. And the dread that has been building inside of him, just intensifies. Even though he can’t take any more confrontation or disappointment, and the pain that they cause - he needs to make it right. He had spent about another hour by himself in the studio, just going through everything and trying desperately to find some inspiration, maybe remember something, anything. He doesn’t remember, but he does feel a spark of excitement in him, because he actually made a career out of something he loves. There was something so calming and comforting about that.

When he walks back into the apartment, he pours himself another mug of coffee, hoping to calm his nerves and racing brain, as he waits for Magnus to come out of the bathroom. When his husband does finally come into the kitchen, he already has his bag and keys, all ready to leave. “Oh, I was umm, hoping we could talk.” Alec stammers.

Magnus barely looks up at him, as he mumbles his response in a small voice, “I need to get to work, perhaps later when I get back.”

Alec nods slowly and takes a shaky breath, “yeah, okay.” he concedes, but still feeling his nerves going wild, “but I’m just… I’m really sorry.”

Magnus finally looks up at him, and smiles weakly, but still looks so sad, “I know.” he says softly, then with a last goodbye, he leaves. And for reasons he cannot fathom or explain, Alec can feel his chest tighten painfully.

He spends the rest of the day aimlessly walking around the apartment, looking around and checking out the different books, cds, pictures, decorations and anything else he thinks could stir something up, but to no avail.

Eventually he just gives up and just wastes the rest of the afternoon away, until he receives a call from Izzy, which comes as a huge bright light in such a grim day.

*****

“Alexander?” Magnus calls out when he walks through the front door, tired from a long day at work. He walks past the kitchen and into the empty lounge just as Alec calls out to him from the bedroom. 

Magnus follows Alec’s voice and walks into their bedroom to find him sitting by Magnus’ vanity table, putting down a pen and folding up a piece of paper.

“Hey.” Magnus greets softly.

“Hey.” Alec greets back, smiling awkwardly, in a way that has Magnus’ stomach flipping with dread. 

Magnus holds up a small paper bag, “I passed by that little Portuguese bakery that you love on the way home, and I got us some…” He begins to explain softly, but cuts himself off and drops his arm when he hears the toilet flushing, he frowns and looks at the direction of the bathroom, then back at his husband, “Is somebody here?” He asks weakly, fearing the worst.

“Yeah.” Alec replies quietly just as Isabelle Lightwood comes walking out of the bathroom and into the room, stepping closer to them with a huge excited smile, just as Alec packed up some items in a small duffel bag.

“Hey, Magnus!” Izzy greets happily, as Magnus shifts his gaze between the two siblings, trying to get his brain to catch up.

“Hey, Isabelle.” He greets back, fidgeting with the paper bag in his hand, as he flashes Alec with a questioning look.

“Izzy called me today in a panic -'' Alec begins to explain, but his sister quickly cuts him off.

“I was not in a panic!” she insists, but Alec just rolls his eyes and continues.

“She was complaining about this wedding stuff, dealing with my parents alone, not to mention we've got the engagement party coming up.” Alec explains as he continues to pack, adding some clothes, books and toiletries to his duffel bag. 

“And I basically begged Alec to come home and help me out.” Izzy adds dramatically, clearly meaning well, but unknowingly causing dread and panic to grow in Magnus’ belly.

“It just seems like the right thing to do, to be there for Izzy.” Alec says, finally finishing to pack and looking at Magnus again. “And it’s just for a couple of days.”

“Okay… But what about your life here?” Magnus questions desperately, like his whole life is slipping through his fingers, “What about all the work that you haven't finished?”

“I talked to the people at the production company.” Alec explains with a shrug, closing up the bags, “And they were really understanding about the accident, and Dad's gonna loan me the money to pay back their advance, so…” Magnus clenches his jaw as he watches the love of his life getting ready to leave him, unable to do anything about it. “I don't know.” Alec goes on with a shrug, “I just... I can't do it right now, no matter how much I would like to.”

“I’ll give you two a moment alone.” Izzy cuts in sheepishly, “it was great seeing you again, Magnus.” she adds, stepping closer to Magnus, and hugs him warmly. Then turns to her brother, “I’ll wait outside, take all the time you need.” 

“Okay, thanks, Izz.” Alec tells her with a smile, as Magnus finally lifts his bag strap off his shoulder and lays his bag down carelessly on the ground, and throws the paper pastry bag on his vanity table. He watches Alec helplessly, pleading with his eyes, but knowing that it is in vain, “I'm sorry. It's just until after the wedding.” His husband promises, but it does nothing to ease the distress in his chest.

Magnus shrugs his shoulders and throws his arms in the air in defeat, “I just want you to be careful, okay?” He finally manages, in a small voice.

Alec chuckles and shakes his head, “Well, I'm not joining a cult.” He says with a small, amused smile, “I'm just going to stay with my family.”

“I know, but…” Magnus begins, but his voice trails off, unsure how and what he is supposed to say. There’s probably not much he can say.

He averts his eyes, but can still feel Alec’s on him, “But what?” He urges softly.

Magnus shakes his head again, opening and closing his mouth, then finally sighs in defeat. He fiddles with his rings and hesitates for a moment before asking, “Can I at least give you an awkward hug?” His voice is awkward and tiny, but he’s desperate for at least something. 

Alec smiles faintly at him, and Magnus absolutely hates the look of sympathy that overtakes his eyes. But all that matters to him in that moment, is that Alec agrees, even if it is just out of pity. They both step forward and embrace each other slowly. 

They used to spend hours wrapped up in each other’s arms, holding one another tight and close. It was one of Magnus’ favorite things, sometimes even more than sex. And Alec was basically touch starved and would yearn for his touch, and to touch him all the time. And his husband's touch never failed to cause chills and goosebumps.

Being in Alec’s arms again, after so long, almost has him a weeping mess. Especially since he’s been a huge emotional wreck lately, and couldn’t get the comfort he needed from the love of his life. And at first, it is weird, and it is cold and distant, but it is better than nothing. Magnus has to fight the urge to clutch him tighter, try and hold him for hours and maybe even prevent him from leaving him. But then Alec wraps him up stronger and closer, as if suddenly realising he was supposed to be hugging back. The hug lasts much longer than he expected Alec would want it to. The younger man holds him for a long time, and Magnus doesn’t dare say anything, because it feels so good. It feels like he’s got his Alec back.

Alec takes a deep breath, then whispers into his ear, “I’m so sorry about this, I really wanted us to talk.” he says, and Magnus notes that he actually sounds genuine, “I just… she practically begged, and I couldn’t say no.”

“It’s okay.” Magnus whispers back, “I understand, I may never have met her before, but I know how much she means to you. We can talk when you get back.”

Alec finally pulls back and looks him in the eyes, “I just don’t want you to think that I'm running away from you, because I’m not.” he tells him seriously, “and I hope you know that I really am sorry for snapping at you, and for freaking out last night.”

“Yeah, I know, I can be a bit much.” Magnus says sadly, hating the pang in his chest and hating that he felt the need to say those words to Alec, because he never had before. He was the first he never felt that need with. “You’ll get used to it.”  _ you’ll get used to me. I hope. _

His husband eyes him for a moment with a frown, then speaks in a slow and serious tone, “No, it’s not you.” he insists, “you’ve been nothing but kind and patient. It’s this whole fucked up, frustrating situation.”

Magnus bites his bottom lip then smiles, because even as a jerk, his husband is still soft and sweet deep inside. 

*****

When Alec walks out of the apartment and towards Izzy’s car, he is overwhelmed by the pure want and need to turn around and go back inside. He wants to wrap the smaller man back in his arms, feel his warmth close to him again. He’s never been a huger, but dammit, he never wants to stop hugging that man.

There are so many mixed feelings inside of him, and they’re all so new and confusing. But he now knows that he somehow needs to fix things with Magnus, and still maintain a relationship with his family. Somehow integrate these two conflicting worlds. But he will find a way, because he owes it to himself and Magnus, to try at least, especially now when he is starting to understand, even though he still can’t remember. He can make this work. He screwed up and made a mess, but he will talk to Magnus, clear the air and clean it all up.

Alec throws his duffel bag into the back seat of the car, then sits in the front passenger seat beside Izzy, still in something of a daze. When he looks over at his sister, she has a huge knowing grin on her face. “I like him.” she announces enthusiastically, “I like him a lot, and so do you.”

“Yeah,” Alec agrees, looking out the window towards the apartment, “I do.”

**v^v^v^v**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo what did you think? I know Malec haven't really fixed much yet, but at least it's finally in the works! and Alec finally realises that he needs to get his act together.
> 
> next chapter: Sizzy emgagment party + Malec finally get to talk... and maybe more. maybe.


	7. like for the very first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sizzy emgagment party + Malec finally get some alone time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there lovelies!  
> so I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter and couldn't wait to share it with you!
> 
> thanks so much for all the love and support, it really means so much to me, and blows me away every time!
> 
> anyway, without further ado... chapter 7!!

**v^v^v^v**

“Hey, man.” Simon greets Magnus with a grin, as he walks into the huge garden, where the engagement party is taking place. It has been a couple of days since he has last seen Alec, they have been talking a little on the phone, but it was far from enough and he is feeling desperate and anxious to see him.

Magnus smiles back at Simon, and shakes his outstretched hand, “Hello, Simon.” he greets back, “Just one week left of your former life.” he adds in a light voice, “How are you feeling?”

Simon nods and takes in a deep, shaky breath, “I feel pretty good, actually.” he says, a little unsure, “I mean, I do get a little dizzy if I think about it for too long, but -” he then gets cut off by Izzy, who was standing not two steps away, talking to a few friends.

“What?” she exclaims in panic, abandoning her previous conversation.

“No, Izzy, it's like a good dizzy. It's like… It's like panic or excitement.” Simon stammers out, as she steps closer and frowns. Magnus stands awkwardly beside them trying to decide whether he should stay and get involved, or just elegantly take his leave.

“Well, panic and excitement are different.” Izzy states a little angrily, but in a hushed tone.

“Honey, there's gonna be 400 people there.” Simon retorts, in a nervous voice.

“Right.” Izzy replies, still not understanding the problem, like he was just stating the obvious.

Magnus, cringes and takes pity on the young couple, finally deciding to cut in, and rescue Simon, “Hey, do you also have a little tingling in your fingers?” he asks, causing the engaged couple to both turn their gazes to him.

“Yeah. Is that bad?” Simon asks in panic.

“Do you listen to Radiohead?” Magnus goes on, ignoring his panic.

“Uh-huh.”

“Thom Yorke, he talks about dizzy spells all the time.” Magnus explains in a calm tone, as Simon hangs on to his every word, “He says when his fingers tingle, that's how he knows that he's creating something genius. And then he gets so amped up playing that he almost passes out. Simon, it sounds to me like you're on the verge of genius.”

Simon watches him in complete awe, as Izzy has a small knowing smirk on her face, but keeps quiet, as Simon says, “That's so cool, man, thank you.”

Just then a middle-aged woman comes up to Simon and pulls him away to meet some people, and Magnus chuckles to himself when he overhears him ask her, “Mum, do you listen to Radiohead?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn't I?” he hears his mother reply, then the rest of the conversation dies in the loud crowd as they walk further away.

Izzy then steps forward, still with a smile on her face, “So, is that true?” she asks, and Magnus hums in confirmation. 

“Of course, my dear.” he tells her as if there is no way it isn’t true.

“Thank you.” she says graciously.

*****

Alec watches from afar, as Magnus talks to his sister and soon to be brother in law, and he can’t help but smile at the interaction, even though he can’t hear what is being said. But his sister looks so content, which is a breath of fresh air after the couple of days of complete stress they’ve just had.

Then his sister is walking towards him with a smirk, “oh, if you don’t lavish him,” she begins in a low voice when she gets closer, “I totally will.” she finishes, patting his shoulder. Then she is walking away again, leaving Alec to stare at the gorgeous man standing awkwardly off to the side. From the short time he had to get to know him, Alec had noticed that Magnus was not one to be shy, or awkward in his own skin. But he is also painfully aware of how self conscious he becomes around Alec and this world. But he still puts up with it, and he keeps showing up. For Alec.

Before he knows it, Alec’s legs are moving forward, taking him closer to the focus of his attention. “Magnus.” he greets when he reaches the other man, “Hi.”

Magnus looks up at him, and smiles broadly, “Alexander, hey.” he greets back, and clearly struggles for a moment with himself wondering if he should hug him. And that just snaps Alec into action, causing him to make the first move, and embrace the smaller man.

“I’m glad you came.” he tells him, still holding onto him.

When they pull back, Magnus smiles and replies, “yeah, me too.” he says, then looks Alec up and down, checking out his dark gray, fitted suit, “you look… great.” by the dark look in Magnus’ eyes, and the way he bites his bottom lip, Alec can tell he would have used a different word, if they had been anywhere else and probably if Alec still had his memories.

“Thank you.” Alec says, looking Magnus up and down as well, he had light makeup on, a navy jacket with gold patterns, and black trousers and shirt. Alec was surprised by the sudden strong desire to rip it off him. “So do you.” he finally chokes out.

“Thank you.” Magnus whispers, then clears his throat and takes a deep breath, as if bracing himself for what he is about to say, which he probably is, “Okay, look, so I've been thinking about something.”

“Okay.” Alec urges him with a fond smile, because he is just so damn adorable.

“What's your favorite book?” Magnus asks, seemingly out of the blue.

“It's probably not what you remember.” Alec tells him.

“That's fine.” Magnus waves it off, “That's not the point.”

“Okay. Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck.”

“No, really?” Magnus asks with a small, surprised frown.

“Yeah.” Alec insists.

“Okay. Of Mice and Men.” Magnus concedes, “Okay, if it was great, you probably loaned it to somebody, right?”

“Yeah. Jace, I think.” Alec responds after thinking about it for a moment.

“Okay, and you probably said to yourself, ‘God, I wish I was the person that hadn't read it, so that I could experience it all over again’.” Magnus goes on with an excited smile, as if he was having some great epiphany.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Alec agrees with a pensive tone, wondering where Magnus is going with this.

“That's how I think we should look at this.” Magnus tells him in excitement.

“What?” Alec questions, still confused.

“You can't remember how we met.” Magnus states, and Alec hums in confirmation, “And you can't remember how we fell in love. And in a way, yeah, that sucks. But it was the greatest time of my life. I just thought how cool it would be to get to experience it all over again.” when Magnus is done with his small enthusiastic rant, Alec nods in understanding.

“Like reading your favorite book for the first time.” he says with a fond smile, because it sounds perfect, and Magnus looks so adorable.

“Exactly.” the older man affirms, then after a nervous shaky exhale, “Which is why I want to ask you out on a date.”

Alec chuckles, and watches his husband fondly, “A date?” he questions.

“Like two people that are just meeting for the first time.” Magnus elaborates, and Alec is so not prepared for the wave of affection that sweeps over him.

Alec looks over Magnus’ shoulder and catches a glimpse of Lydia, talking to some of the other guests, fitting right in and looking perfect. She is right where she belongs, in her element, in Alec’s world. But Alec is not so sure anymore that she really, actually fits, not in the way he thought she did.

He was probably staring for a while, because he catches from the corner of his eyes, as Magnus turns to look over his shoulder, to catch a glimpse of what Alec is staring at. Alec quickly averts his eyes back to the older man, just as he seems to catch on and slowly turn back around. “I mean, we don’t have to... I guess, you’re probably busy.” Magnus mutters quietly, lowering his eyes, “with umm, the wedding and all.”

“Shit, no, Magnus, I want to.” Alec stammers quickly, internally punching himself for causing Magnus to doubt himself again, “I think I owe it to you and to myself to give this a real chance.”

“Really?” Magnus asks, his eyes brightening up a bit with hope.

“Yeah.” Alec confirms with a small, bashful smile, “I’ve been kind of a jerk to you, and I’m sorry for that, and I think a date sounds really great.”

“Kind of?” Magnus teases, and despite being a jab at him, Alec is glad that the mood has lightened.

“Hey!” he exclaims with a pout.

*****

The next evening Magnus comes to pick Alec up at the huge Lightwood manor, taking deep breaths as he walks up the few stairs to the front door. It is a bizarre feeling, to have butterflies like that again, to go on a first date again… with his husband. 

When Alec opens the door, Magnus physically has to stop himself from pouncing forward and crushing his husband in his arms and their lips together. God, how long has it been since they kissed? Magnus wants those beautiful, full lips against his own. He wants that strong, tall body against his own. He wants, he wants, he wants.

But alas, he settles for a brief awkward hug and a small peck to his husband's cheek. “So where are we going?” Alec asks as they step into their car.

Magnus smiles at him as he starts the engine, “it’s a surprise.” he says, then begins the drive back to Brooklyn. The drive is not too awkward, they exchange small talk and the silence in between is not too strained.

When they arrive in Brooklyn, Magnus parks the car in the club’s parking lot, then gets out with a huge excited grin as Alec looks up at the old building suspiciously. But before a can question it, the older man is grabbing his arms and pulling him towards the entrance, where they are let in immediately. “Alec, Magnus!” the bouncer greets them, “it is good to see you again, ‘been way too long.”

Alec eyes the guy, while Magnus greets him back happily, then leads the way into the club. Loud music immediately hits their ears as they walk over to the center of the dance floor, surrounded by all colours, races and genders. No worries, no cares, no hate, just a bunch of people bouncing and moving to the beat and having drunk fun.

Magnus finally turns back to Alec, and watches as he scans his surroundings in hesitation, looking like he feels out of place. So Magnus doubts himself for a moment, wondering if maybe he made yet another terrible mistake. What if Alec gets overwhelmed again? What if he hates this and it drives him even further away? If he keeps failing, Magnus will have to come to terms with the fact that they no longer fit. That his husband will forever be changed, and if that is true, then it means that Magnus is going about this all wrong. It means that he is the one to blame, because instead of adjusting to the new Alec, he keeps trying to bring the old one back by doing stuff they used to like.

Alec’s eyes are wide, either in wonder, shock, fright or all of the above. Which is beyond frustrating, and Magnus hates that he can no longer discern his husband's features, expressions and body language. He used to be able to read him like an open book. He bites his bottom lip so hard, he almost draws blood, but at least it distracts him from his dark thoughts for a short moment. He reaches out to lay a hand on Alec’s arm, to get his attention, and when the younger man turns to him then looks down at his hand on his skin, Magnus quickly pulls away and curses himself for not being able to get it right. 

There is a tight pressure in his chest, growing stronger, and an expanding lump in his throat that weakens his ability to breathe.  _ You stupid man. You stupid, stupid man. What the fuck were you thinking?  _ “We umm, we can go if you want.” he finds himself shouting over the music, not even daring to look up at Alec. “yeah, we should go.” when he hears Alec call his name he does finally look up, and what a terrible mistake that is, because the expression that he finds is unreadable, and it’s just too much. “I’m sorry.” he manages to choke out as he shakes his head, then quickly dashes past Alec and out of the club.

*****

“Magnus!” Alec calls out towards his husband, but his voice gets drowned out in the club’s loud noise. “Shit.” he mutters to himself, then pushes his way through the crowd, making his way in search of his date. Once he is outside again, he stops and scans the street around the entrance, but there is no sign of him. Alec sighs and heads towards the parking lot, perhaps he went back to the car. 

When he is halfway to the lot, Alec can already see Magnus in the distance, pacing back and forth by the car. He pauses his walking for a moment, and watches as the smaller man stops his pacing and places a hand on his forehead. Then Magnus is walking back towards him.

“Hey, are yo -” Alec begins, once Magnus is a few steps away, and close enough to hear him, but he is quickly cut off by Magnus’ shaky voice.

“Alec I’m so sorry!” he says, barely looking at him, “for bringing you here, for leaving you in there like that, I clearly didn’t think this through… again.” Alec watches Magnus as he rambles, and all he can think about is how much he just wants to make that doubt radiating off him go away, he wants to banish that pain in his eyes. 

Alec wants to embrace him, so he does.

Just as Magnus is about to continue his frantic rant, Alec steps forward into his space and wraps his arms around him, pulling him into him as close as he can. At first the other man goes rigid, clearly not expecting that. Then he finally melts and clutches onto the fabric of the back of Alec’s button up shirt. “I’m so sorry.” Magnus repeats in a quiet voice, “we can go somewhere else if you’d like, or I can take you home.”

“No, Magnus, it's okay.” Alec begins, and just as he is about to go on, still holding the smaller man, he is cut to the chase.

“No it’s not.” Magnus interjects, “this was such a bad idea.” Alec wanted to ask if he was talking about the club specifically, or the date in general. But that would’ve done no good, so instead he pulls back just enough to look down into Magnus’ eyes.

“Actually, I think it’s a great idea.” he says in a soft voice and small smile, “I’ve always secretly wanted to come to a place like this, but never had the chance to. Or dared to.”

“But you -”

“It’s overwhelming, yeah.” this time it’s Alec who cuts in, “but it’s amazing too, and I want us to go back inside.”

“Are you sure?” Magnus questions, “because you don’t have -”

“I’m sure.”

When they go back inside, they go straight to the bar this time, and start with a drink. They sit on the stools and watch all the bodies moving, as they sip from their alcohol. They exchange some small talk over the music, as much as they can. And Magnus tells him that this is where they first met, which is why he wanted to bring him for their date. And Alec finds himself so much more fond of the man. He watches Magnus as his whole body seems to vibrate to the sound of the music, and he can’t help but smile, an intense wave of affection washing over his entire body. 

He was so caught up in his own head until now, that he completely overlooked Magnus’ feelings. The other day when Magnus finally snapped was a huge wakeup call, and Alec couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible he has been. How many mistakes he had made since he woke up at the hospital. And watching Magnus basically fall apart tonight, especially after he had been so strong and patient, reminded Alec that he really wasn’t the only one who lost a whole chunk of his life.

People tend to forget that just because someone is patient and strong on the outside, doesn’t mean they don’t hurt on the inside. And isn’t that the worst part of being strong? that no one ever asks you if you are okay. And Alec is ashamed that he failed to see Magnus’ struggle, never asking him how he is doing.

Alec stands up and faces Magnus, who looks up at him questioningly. “Come, dance with me.” the younger man says, as he holds out his hand. Magnus looks at him for a moment longer, then a small, faint smile appears on his lips as he accepts the hand and follows Alec to the dance floor.

At first, they both feel awkward and shy, but after a couple of songs and one more drink, they both loosen up and start dancing in earnest. And the way Magnus moves, swaying his hips, is pure sin. Alec’s eyes are glued to those amazing hips, and before he can stop himself, his hands approach the focus of his gaze, and grab hold of them, pulling Magnus closer to him. 

  
  


When they finally exit the club, both in much better moods than when they entered, Alec pauses to look at Magnus again. His makeup is slightly smudged in the corners of his eyes, and his hair is flopping over half his forehead. He is wearing sinful, skin-tight jeans and a silk button up, with enough buttons open to reveal a good, sexy amount of his chest. And of course Alec noticed it when the older man came to pick him up, how could he not. But now that all Magnus’ nerves and doubts were gone, now that he had laugh lines instead of worry ones, Alec could barely resist the urge to surge forward.

“Alexander?” his husband's voice cuts off his lustful thoughts, before he could do anything about them. The younger man swallows hard then clears his throat as he looks up from the chiseled, gorgeous chest, up to those big brown eyes.

“Umm, yeah?” he asks lamely. Magnus chuckles lightly and bites his bottom lip, and shit that just has all of Alec’s insides going even crazier. How the fuck has he managed to resist him until now?

“Hungry?” Magnus asks with a knowing grin.

“Starving.” Alec replies, watching his husband with dark, lustful eyes.

When Magnus leads him to a nearby place called Taki’s diner, a flash of nostalgia hits him, one he can’t quite understand or explain. Perhaps it’s even more of a deja-vu. But he just knows that he’s been here before. 

“Have I been here before?” he asks as they sit down in a corner booth.

Magnus smiles at him and nods, “yeah.” he replies softly, then explains, “this is where we had our first date, after we met at the club, and dozens more that followed.”

“I can feel it.” Alec tells him before he can stop himself, “I can’t remember, but I can… I don’t know, I have this strong sense like this isn’t my first time here.” the radiating smile that appears on Magnus’ face, is absolutely blinding. And Alec smiles back, feeling relief that he is finally making him feel good. 

When they are served two portions of waffles, Alec goes to take a bite, but then quickly pulls back and looks across the table at Magnus, who raises an eyebrow at him, “Magnus, I just… I’m so sorry for how I’ve been treating you.” he blurts out quickly, this proper apology long overdue, “I should have been more attentive to your feelings, and I want you to know that I tend to do everything I can to make up for that.”

“Alexander, it’s okay.” Magnus tries to wave it off, but Alec shakes his head, refusing to do that.

“No, I should have tried harder.” Alec insists, “and I need to tell you something, but I want you to know that I -”

“Alexander, it doesn’t matter.” Magnus cuts him off, shrugging his shoulder, “let’s just enjoy our date.”

“But, Magnus I -” Alec tries again, he has to come clean. He has been burning from guilt, and he has to tell Magnus about the kiss before he explodes.

But Magnus won’t let him, “I appreciate your apology, and it means so much to me.” the older man says with a soft smile, “but all that is in the past, and right now I just want to enjoy this moment and focus on moving forward.” so Alec lets it go, because Magnus finally looks so happy, and practically begging him with his eyes to not ruin it. And the last thing Alec wants is to break his heart… again. Especially over a kiss that meant nothing.

So they go on eating, talking and laughing, enjoying their time together.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! Malec date!! I know that Alec didn't tell Magnus about the kiss yet, like you wanted him to, but I just felt like at the moment, it was just too much for Magnus. he was finally getting his husband back. and Alec is finally starting to know what he wants.
> 
> so what do you guys think? how did you like the first half of their date?
> 
> yes, I said first half! you didn't think I would just end their date like that did you? next chapter, you get to see the second half of the date :P


	8. all I wanna do is devour you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the second half of Malec's second first date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies!!
> 
> thanks again from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support! it never fails to make me so so happy! and of course gives me motivation to keep writing and posting!
> 
> so I know I've kept you waiting a bit for this second half of the Malec date, and I'm sorry... but I just wanted to get it right. hopefully it's good and you like it -- please let me know!!
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: I have change the rating to explicit because there is some smut here, not very explicit, but still...
> 
> so without further ado... ENJOY!

Time passes by in a blur, as they occupy that corner booth for the next two hours or so, just talking about nothing in particular. Magnus is having so much fun, that he forgets for a moment, about all the tension and insecurities. For a blissful moment, everything feels like it’s back on track.

“I’ve got one more place I’d like to take you.” he announces, once they are basically kicked out of the diner, because they are closing. Magnus is glad when Alec just smiles and goes with him willingly. He never expected for this date to go so well. Especially after their little hiccup at the beginning. But Alec’s reaction surprised him when Magnus basically had a tantrum at the club, then many times more after that.

They jump in the car again, and Magnus drives them all the way to Brighton Beach. “We have this thing we do...” he begins to explain after he parks the car, and Alec asks him why they are here, “once a month we go into the water, and we haven’t done April yet.”

“Oh, why would we do that?” Alec asks in confusion, but with an amused glint in his eyes.

“On our wedding night, we kinda had some to drink, and we were joking around about things we would like to do as a married couple.” Magnus begins to explain with a fond, nostalgic gaze and smile, “and we made this list of things we can do together, crazy, fun and romantic.”

“That’s… actually very sweet.” Alec says with a small impressed hum, “I like it.”

“Yeah, it was our way to ensure we didn’t become like…” Magnus quickly snaps his mouth shut and pauses, because suddenly he realises that he was about to slip out a fact that wasn’t his to tell, “like other couples that get sick of each other.” he completes, and thankfully Alec doesn’t notice, or at least doesn't say anything about it.

“Cool, let’s do it.” Alec agrees without hesitation. So they step out of the car and strip to their boxer briefs. And Magnus can’t help but stare at his husband’s body, his beautiful, sinful body that he misses so, so much. When he looks up at Alec, the man is also busy checking him out, and his heart skips a beat, because it has been too long since Alec has looked at him like that.

When they both compose themselves, they grin at each other like idiots. Then Alec breaks into a run towards the water, and when Magnus catches on, he follows. Alec reaches the edge of the water and yelps as the cold hits him. The taller man turns around and attempts to escape the water, just as Magnus reaches him and pulls him in deeper with him. “Shit.” Alec curses as the water reaches their hips, “so cold!” Magnus laughs and steps closer, but then stops abruptly, because he is hit by another wave of doubt and second guessing himself. Alec seems to catch on and quickly grabs his hand and pulls him in closer, wrapping him in his arms and spinning him around, causing Magnus to laugh loudly.

“Alec!” he yelps in surprise when the other man lets go of him suddenly, dropping him into the water. Magnus barely manages to stop his head from going under water, but thankfully prevents it from ruining his hair. But all that matters in that moment, is that Alec is letting loose and enjoying his presence.

When they start to exit the water, Alec motions for him to jump on his back, and Magnus hesitates for just a moment, before accepting the offer. Alec hoists him up, then sprints to shore, causing Magnus to squeal and hold onto him tighter. When they exit the water and he is placed back on the ground, Magnus runs to the car and pulls out two large towels he had brought with him.

He walks back to his husband and wraps him up in one of the towels, as they both lock gazes and watch each other intently, with very intense, loaded eyes. Next thing he knows, Alec is cupping his face and stroking his cheeks with his thumbs, and Magnus just freezes and swallows hard, his throat going completely dry. His husband leans in closer, pauses to give him an option to pull back, but instead Magnus leans in and closes that gap.

At first their lips lock and glide together in small, uncertain movements, which slowly grow deeper and more confident. Magnus drops his towel to the ground and wraps his arms around the taller man's neck, pressing their naked chests together. He moans softly into the kiss as they press their whole bodies and lips even closer, rougher. “Take me home.” Alec eventually whispers into his mouth, and Magnus is eager and quick to agree.

When they sit back in the car, Alec is shivering and holding up his shivering fingers, “fuck, I’m so cold.” he complains with an adorable pout. Magnus watches him with a fond smile for a short moment, then cups those shivering hands between his own and leans in to blow warm breath onto them, all the while, holding onto Alec’s gaze.

*****

Despite his request, Magnus still gave Alec an “out” and offered to drive him back to his parents house, but Alec was quick to decline that offer, almost cutting off the last words of Magnus’ question. Alec smiled sheepishly and hoped he didn’t seem too eager, “I would like to come back to the apartment with you.” he had insisted softly, with a small shrug, “if that’s okay with you.” he quickly added, worried that he was overstepping. 

But Magnus just smiled and nodded, “of course, I would like that.” he finally responded, then they drove off and remained mostly silent for the duration of the ride, but it was a comfortable silence. When they arrived at the apartment, Magnus led the way then unlocked the door, making way for Alec to enter.

And now he is watching as Magnus closes and locks the door, then turns around after tossing his keys in the bowl. Alec continues to watch as he slowly starts to shed his scarf and coat he put on in the car because he was wet and cold. “So if you’d like, I can make us something to drink…” the older man tells him as he starts heading towards the kitchen, but Alec is too busy scanning his body, and when he turns towards the kitchen he eyes his ass. 

“Alexander?” he hears Magnus call to him from the kitchen, and Alec shakes his head and snaps out of his daze. He looks up just as Magnus comes back from the kitchen, “are you okay? Would you like -” but Alec crashes their lips together and swallows up his words, causing Magnus to mewl softly in surprise, and stumble back a bit from the force.

The moment Magnus regains his composure and catches on, he starts kissing back with the same hunger as Alec. They are clutching onto each other almost desperately, tugging and pulling closer, both yearning for more.

Alec pushes the smaller man up against the nearest wall as his hands glide down his sides, and then finally grab hold of his ass-cheeks, squeezing them and pulling Magnus closer in the process. “I’ve been wanting to do this the whole night.” Alec mumbles into the kiss, refusing to part for even a second.

“Oh, you have no idea...” Magnus whispers back, as he wraps his arms around Alec’s neck and threads his fingers into his hair, tugging and clutching at his strands. Alec chuckles and smiles fondly into the kiss, pushing Magnus harder against the wall, because the older man is making the most adorable and hottest sounds. Whimpering and moaning into the kiss, as if he has been parched for the longest time, which, thinking about it, he probably is.

And so is Alec… because he may remember being happy with Lydia, but he also remembers checking men out, wishing he could explore this side of him. He remembers fantasizing about what it would be like, even watching some gay porn and masturbating to it. He had always enjoyed that more than the sex with Lydia, but he loved her enough to not care as much.

But having Magnus - who is probably the most gorgeous man he had ever laid eyes on - in his arms, so close and so warm, all Alec wants to do is explore every inch of him. There is a hunger inside of him he had never felt, let alone with Lydia. He’d never felt like this before, and he can’t explain it. All he knows is that his body is responding so intensely to Magnus, abruptly and thoroughly awakening in a completely new way.

All of a sudden that thought, that dangerous uncontrollable desire, scares him more than anything. Because the last thing he remembers is suppressing his attraction to men. He remembers being attracted and in love with Lydia. But now, here with Magnus, he finds himself questioning everything. Because this is so far beyond that, this is an all consuming, burning attraction that makes him think that perhaps he had never known true attraction.

He quickly pulls away and takes a step back, forcing himself to detach from Magnus with every ounce of self control he has, which is not much by now. When he opens his eyes, as he pulls away, he catches a glimpse of the other man chasing his lips, then pulling back and looking up at him with surprised doe eyes.

And shit, Alec is so completely fucked. Because all he wants to do, as he looks at those kiss swollen red lips and big brown eyes, is take him apart. “Shit, I’m sorry.” Alec mumbles, running a hand through his hair as he desperately takes deep breaths and tries to calm his racing heart.

“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let it get that far.” Magnus is quick to stammer, causing Alec to watch him with a deep frown. “We can just -”

“Are you fucking insane?” Alec blurts out without thinking, cutting Magnus off. Then when he notices what he had said and the shock on his husband's face, he quickly adds, “sorry, I just mean… I’ve never… I haven’t felt this way before.” he tries to explain, waving his hands around, “you’re just so damn hot, and all I want to do is devour you in a way that I haven’t with anyone before you.”

“Oh.” Magnus is watching him stunned, then laughs softly and bites his bottom lip. When Alec raises a questioning eyebrow at him, he explains, “it’s just, you umm, our first time together, you said almost the exact same thing.”

“Oh.” Alec says dumbly, shifting his weight and fiddling with the hem of his shirt, then goes on nervously, “Well, I don’t know what you’re Alec did on the first date, but I think it’s best if we don’t go past first base.” 

Magnus bites his bottom lip again, clearly fighting against a laugh. “Okay.” he whispers, then they just stare at each other for a long silent moment, the tension between them growing almost unbearable, in the best way possible. Then are both moving almost at exactly the same time and clash together again. Alec is cupping Magnus’ face, holding him close as their lips glide together roughly, and their tongues fight for dominance.

“Second base, tops.”Alec murmurs into the kiss, causing Magnus to chuckle again, as he tightens his hold around the taller man's waist. They are now pressed up flushed against each other, and Alec can feel just how turned on Magnus is, just like he can probably feel Alec. And he is having a hard enough time holding onto his resolve, but when he feels Magnus’ fingers slowly and hesitantly reaching under his shirt, finding his skin - he knows there is no chance hell.

So he just lets go, and surrenders to the deep, burning urge and starts pushing Magnus towards the couch, as they start shedding clothes - or more like, ripping them off each other and throwing them across the room. They are both so eager, that by the time they cross the short distance to the couch, they’re both stark naked. Both men pause to take each other in, and Alec can feel himself basically drooling, because he’s always dreamed of this moment, and he’d never actually believed that he’d get it, especially not with a man like Magnus.

Before he can stop himself, or even comprehend what he is doing, Alec leans in and presses his lips right below Magnus’ ear, earning a soft moan, then another one and another one, with each kiss he places on his husband’s skin - which spurs Alec on even more, making him bolder and braver to take what he wants. His kisses becoming, wetter, sloppier, hungrier as he works his way down Magnus’ neck, shoulder, collarbone and chest. All the while his hands caressing up and now the caramel skin, his fingers gliding between the chiseled abs. 

Magnus keeps chanting his name softly, between moans and whimpers, which Alec never thought would turn him on, but it definitely does things to him. When he reaches Magnus’ right nipple, he is already lost in his famished crusade of Magnus’ body, so he doesn’t even hesitate to suck it into his mouth, earning himself a small surprised gasp, then the loudest moan yet. He kisses, sucks and bites gently at the nipple, then turns to the left one. When he is done, he lowers himself even more, and finally -  _ finally  _ starts licking between those gorgeous abs.

“Shit, Alexander...” Magnus murmurs, as he threads his fingers through his hair, then pulls him back, “my turn.” he states and pushes Alec down to the couch, causing him to yelp in surprise, but quickly snaps out of it when he has a lap full of Magnus.

The older man straddles his lap, and quickly starts scattering kisses and licks all over Alec’s neck and shoulder, before moving on to his chest and nipples. Alec moans and writhes underneath him on the couch, especially when their hard cocks rub together, which quickly causes him to grab hold of Magnus’ hips and pulls him even closer, chasing that friction again. “Fuck, fuck… you’re so fucking hot, I can’t, Magnus… I wanna touch you so bad.” Alec stammers desperately, the need to touch and be close to Magnus is all consuming and overwhelming. 

Magnus barely voices his approval, and Alec is already grabbing hold of his cock, “yes, please...” Magnus moans out, his head falling back and back arching, as Alec enjoys the feel and weight of his cock in his hand. It is a strange, new sensation, touching a dick which isn’t his own. He starts out by just holding it, giving it a few experimental squeezes, testing out the waters. Then when Magnus starts to rock his hips in search of more, Alec slowly starts to pump his hand up and down. 

Alec’s eyes can’t decide what to focus on, because he can barely keep his eyes off his hand holding that gorgeous dick. It is truly a wonderful sight. But when he raises his eyes to look at the other man in his lap, with his eyes closed and lost in the haze of pleasure - he is hypnotized by the vision. “Fuck, you’re perfect.” Alec mutters, desperate to pick up the pace of his hand, but it’s too dry.

As if reading his mind, Magnus fights through the haze and says, “shit, wait...” he is clearly struggling to get the words out and has to fight himself to stop Alec and get off his lap. Then, the older man all but runs to one of the drawers and comes back with a tube of lube, “we have at least one in every room.” he explains sheepishly as he returns to Alec, but then pauses right in front of him, as if unsure. So Alec reaches forward and pulls him back into his lap. 

Magnus yelps, then laughs which Alec cuts off with another searing kiss. When they pull back, Magnus opens the lube and pours a generous amount on his hand, “may I?” he questions in a whisper.

“Fuck yes!” Alec replies eagerly.

Magnus smiles at him, then reaches out and grabs his cock, and they both moan deep at the touch. “Shit, I missed that cock, so big, so perfect.” Magnus blurts out as he starts pumping his hand up and down, seemingly lost in his own head as he stares at Alec’s dick in his hand. When he suddenly seems to realise what he said, he looks up at Alec wide eyed, “shit, I’m sorry.”

But Alec just shakes his head and pulls him in close, “please don’t be.” Then Alec is kissing him again, wet, sloppy kisses, as his hands return to the smaller man's hips, holding them in a bruising grip. Magnus removes his hand from Alec’s cock, and clutches on to his broad shoulders instead as their lengths start rubbing together. They are both panting and moaning into each other's mouths, both rolling their hips desperately, chasing that delicious friction.

Alec is certain that he had never felt anything quite like this, and he is already getting drunk on it, addicted and wanting more. 

*****

When Magnus woke up the next morning, his whole body was humming pleasantly, in a way it hadn’t since the accident. He felt warm and comfy now that he was back in his husband's arms, snuggling up close to his chest, and breathing in his scent with every breath he took. It had been painfully hard and devastating when it was taken away from him, and now that he had it back, even for just one night, he doesn’t think he would ever be able to let go of it again.

It had felt beyond incredible to feel Alec’s naked body again, to touch him and be touched, to feel his husband’s desire for him. It was almost like experiencing it all over again, except, this time he felt more hesitant and insecure, but at least they had made that progress, and at least he got to be intimate with his husband again.

And as he parks the car outside the Lightwood manor, he doesn’t want to let Alec out. He is extremely tempted to lock the doors and drive off, kidnap him and bring him back home. But he knows he can’t do that, he needs to give Alec his space and time to re-discover himself. To do so, Magnus is painfully aware that Alec needs to spend some time with his family, in this huge, fancy house. It is the only way he can really decide what he wants and where he fits now. Not to mention, that there are deep rooted, fundamental issues from which his Alec ran away to start his own path, and Magnus knows he needs to let him come to that on his own.

“I had a great time.” Alec cuts him out of his deep thoughts, “thanks for last night.”

Magnus looks over at him and hums, “no need to thank me.” he tells him softly, “I had a great time too, thanks for agreeing to go out with me.”

“Of course, I’m glad I did.”

Then they step out of the car, and gaze at each other for a long, silent moment. After a short moment of hesitation Magnus leaps forward and wraps his arms around Alec, holding him tight as he presses his face into his neck. Alec freezes for a moment, but then wraps his arms around Magnus as well. “I’ve missed you.” Magnus blurts out, unable to hold it in any longer, as he clutches on to his husband, “I’ve missed our life together, Alexander, I miss being with you.”

Alec pulls back and takes a step out of his reach, and Magnus knows he is loading on him too much, that he is being too much, but he can’t help it. And as he watches his husband step away and look at him with pity and regret, Magnus hates himself for going on, “I love you, so much.” he tells him in a small, desperate voice.

Alec watches him, clearly shocked, and seems to be trying to find the words to respond with, but struggles. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, then shakes his head, “Magnus, I’m sorry, I wish I could… I wish I was there, I’m just… I need time.” he finally stammers out, and Magnus hates himself even more for always putting him in that position, where he has to reject him.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Magnus replies, bowing his head, “I should go, you have wedding prep -” but he gets cut off by Alec cupping his face and directing it at him, so their eyes can lock.

“No, Magnus, listen… you have nothing to be sorry for, I just… I like you a lot, but this is all so new and sudden to me, and it will take me some time to get used to the changes and feeling the same way.” Alec stammers, clearly struggling with his words, and Magnus curses himself yet again for ruining the mood, for tainting their perfect date. “Last night was incredible, you’re incredible, and I want to spend more time with you so I can get there.”

Magnus shakes his head slightly, “no, it’s okay, I get it, I do.” he says honestly, “I know that it’s all a shock to you, and I can’t expect things to just snap back into place. Your life was flipped over, and it can be very traumatic.”

“But also yours has.” Alec counters, “and I get that now.”

Then they hug again, and after that Magnus is reluctant to let him go. But has no choice. For now at least.

*****

Alec walks into the house, deep in thought and completely overwhelmed by all the rush of confusing emotions. He is so lost, that he jumps when he hears someone clearing their throats, then, “hey big brother! ”He turns with wide eyes, to find Izzy sitting on the living room couch. “Walk of shame?” she questions teasingly, with a huge knowing smirk.

Alec just rolls his eyes and steps forward into the living room, “I went on a date with Magnus last night, I stayed the night after.” he explains, still trying to comprehend everything that’s happened.

“Oh, I like Magnus.” Izzy says softly, her smirk turning into a genuine smile, “he’s really great.”

Alec folds his arms and averts his eyes, because talking to Izzy again, and bringing it all up, it is emotional and scary for him. He bites his lower lip as he feels a sudden lump in his throat and tears blurring his vision, “yeah...” he breathes out, nodding his head, “I like him too, and it is so scary.” especially since he has a secret, which he has yet to confess to, and can ruin everything.

He then looks up at Izzy, who is watching him shell shocked, “oh my god, Alec, are you okay?” she asks, and when he clutches his eyes shut, tears spilling down his cheeks and whispering a small, “no.” she quickly stands and rushes over to him, wrapping her arms around him. 

“Oh, Alec!” she soothes him, clearly lost for words, “I’ve never seen you like this before… is this crying thing the new you? It is bizarre!”

Alec chuckles slightly, then shrugs and sighs, “that’s the thing, Izz, I have no idea who I am anymore. I don’t know what's me. I have tattoo’s Izzy!” Izzy laughs at his dramatic exclaim and pulls him in for a hug again.

“Oh, big brother.” then she pulls him towards the couch, “come tell me whats wrong.”

“I just feel so lost, and I can’t seem to get anything right. And every time I try to explain myself, I just mess it all up even more. I just keep disappointing.” Alec tries to explain in frustration, “I like him so much, and he is great, but I also don’t want to have to let go of my life with you guys to be with him.”

“You don't have to.” Izzy tells him with a soft smile.

“He hasn’t asked me to, either. But I feel like I need to choose, and I just keep hurting him, and I hate it.” Alec says suddenly, sniffling and wiping his eyes, “I went from being in complete denial and engaged to a woman, to married to a man and being disconnected from the family, and it’s just a bit much… and I hate that he has to suffer while I figure it all out.”

“Look, I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through.” Izzy begins, “but I’m sure it’ll get better. So don’t worry about it so much.” there is something about her tone, the way she says the words that just doesn’t sit right with him. She is being sweet and she means well, but she is also waving it off, as if none of it means anything. Has she always been like that? Has he?

Is that why he left? Because everything feels a little faked…? When they were younger, they had some deep, meaningful conversations. But as they got older, everything became more shallow and materialistic. All they cared about was partying, money and living the rich life. And at the time, Alec remembers being fine with it, with the surface level. 

But now, it just felt empty and lacking. Which makes him feel even more out of place, and emphasizes how much he has no idea who he is anymore.

And fuck, he already misses Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo.... there you have it! what did you think? did you enjoy their first date?  
> Alec is starting to really struggle with his identity... I was also struggling a bit to portray that the best way possible, so what do you think? it's rough because he has no idea who he is anymore, and he just wants to make everyone happy.
> 
> next chapter -- Sizzy's wedding!!


	9. I'm just me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sizzy's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there my lovelies!!  
> hope you're all well and healthy and keeping safe!
> 
> wow, it has been way too long and it is soooo good to be back!  
> you guys have been amazing and I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your love and support, it truly warmed my heart and made me smile and happy in these tough times.
> 
> also, thanks so much for all the kudos and comments, they are always great!
> 
> so to make up for the huge gap, I'm posting a longer chapter today and also I've added one more chapter so there will be 11 and not 10... It is a bit angsty, but I promise you that the next one's will be happier!
> 
> so I hope you enjoy and please let me know your thoughts in the comments!

“It was rocky at first, but later it was just like it used to be.” Magnus tells his friends as they walk down the street, towards their favorite coffee shop. “He just finally let go and started trying, and a lot of the things I fell in love with in Alec, are still there.”

Magnus doesn’t look at his friends as he is stuck in his own head and high from the previous night, but they all exchange a concerned look. Cat is the brave one to speak up, trying to do so as sensitively as possible, “Magnus, I know that to you it feels like a confirmation of your love and marriage...” she begins cautiously, calculating her words, “But to Alec, it probably feels like a very good first date.”

Magnus frowns and even almost pouts at her words, as Ragnor continues the thought, “and that is why you need to give him some space after the date.” he explains carefully, “I think you should wait a bit before you call him.”

“So... what?” Magnus speaks up in frustration, “I need to wait three days before I call after a date with my husband?”

“At least.” Ragnor confirms, in a serious tone,“This is a unique case, perhaps you should wait even longer.”

“It can’t be longer, I’m going to see him at the wedding on Saturday.” Magnus protests, his good mood plummeting even more, “I’m telling you that it was obvious, even with all this shit, we still belong together.” 

“Obvious to you or him?” Raphael questions doubtfully, earning a glare from all the others - he is clearly not trying to be tactful like Cat and Ragnor.

“To both of us.” Magnus responds stubbornly, feeling annoyed at his friend’s lack of support, and even more so for causing him to begin to doubt himself again.

  
  


When Magnus arrives back home later, he feels drained and completely deflated. He had been so elated after the date with Alec, and after the bubble bursting he had received from his friends, he started second guessing himself. He knows that they mean well, but it was just so frustrating. Magnus finally felt happy and excited again, like he was finally getting his husband back.

After disposing of his jacket, keys and wallet, Magnus flops onto the couch with a heavy sigh, and starts going through all the letters and bills he had picked up from the mailbox. He had been breaking his head over trying to figure out the bills and how to pay them, Alec was usually the one who took care of them.

He rubs his eyes roughly, and tries to make sense of it all. The fact that most of them were long overdue, just made the whole thing more of a nightmare. Not to mention, there was no way in hell he could pay for it all plus the rent, all on his own. “Shit.” he curses under his breath, throwing the bills next to him on the couch and leaning back against the cushions.

*****

“Alexander!” 

Alec looks up from his phone just as his mother walks into the lounge. It had been a day since his date with Magnus, and it is one day away from the wedding. Magnus had sent him a message that morning and they have been messaging back and forth the whole day. Being at home with his family had been surprisingly suffocating, and he just wanted to be done with the wedding stuff already, so he can leave and go back to Magnus. He was feeling too disconnected from him in this place he used to call home. And he feels like his parents are the ones pressuring him to be the Alec they knew again. He was all too aware of how they were trying to keep him away from Magnus as well.

“We need your help with some preparations.” his mother tells him.

But before he can respond, his father walks in as well and interjects, “he will be there in a moment.” when his mother agrees and walks out again, Alec looks at his father questioningly. “I have a surprise for you.” his father tells him as he sits beside him on the couch.

“Oh, okay.” Alec replies, a little taken aback, “what is it?”

“You know Hodge Starkweather, right?” his father questions and when Alec nods and hums in confirmation, he goes on, “He taught business at Columbia. He and I were on the board together for a while. We've known each other for many years and now he is the dean of Business school.”

“Yeah, I know.” Alec says, feeling hopeful.

“Well, he pulled some strings and you are back in.” his father announces in excitement.

“What? But I didn’t even apply or anything.” Alec is shocked, he was thinking that his father was going to tell him he got him an interview, not an acceptance.

“Well, I took care of it.” his father says and pats him on the back, “they have you enrolled starting this summer semester.”

“Wow, this is crazy.” Alec exclaims, because he feels like he has just received a huge gift. With everything going on, he hadn’t thought about it much, but now that he is, he is realizing how much he really missed business school. He only hopes he can combine it with his new life with Magnus, and start a whole new path. Because despite all of his parents' many efforts, he refused to let go of Magnus or push him away. Magnus was the only one actually accepting him for who he truly is.

*****

The wedding ceremony is beautiful, in the center of a large, green garden outside the mansion where the reception will take place. There are white roses and tulle fabric scattered around everywhere, decorating the altar and all the chairs. It is clear that there was a lot of time, effort and money put into the whole thing - and it was absolutely breathtaking, but also quite extravagant and too fancy.

He and Alec always loved out of the ordinary and over the top, but in a completely different way, in a more unique and creative way. Which is why they decided to marry at the MET.

Alec had greeted him earlier, and was happy to see him, but he had to help his family with final arrangements, then stand at the altar with the rest of the immediate family.

And Magnus feels so small and out of place, surrounded by so many rich snobs, with their expensive suits and gowns, their noses held high and mighty. None of them really pay him any regard, and the few ones that do, look and talk to him in distaste. But Magnus tries to shrug it off and keeps his attention on Alec, watching him from afar and admiring his beauty and hotness in that Navy tux.

Every so often Alec looks over at him and smiles warmly, causing his heart to pound in his ears like it used to when they just started dating. And Magnus is aching to just walk over to him, hold him and just be by his side. But he holds back, which is a completely new feeling for him. Magnus is not used to it, he never used to stop himself from touching his husband or walking over to him. And he hates it.

When the ceremony is over, the wedding party walks back down the aisle and makes their rounds with the guests. Magnus stands back and waits patiently for the crowd around them to decrees. He congratulates Izzy and Simon, but keeps far away from Maryse and Robert - they scare him too much, and seem to be very much annoyed with his presence.

Then he steps back again when the photographer calls over the immediate families for a quick photoshoot. He bites his lip and tries to push down the pang in his belly, but that is short lived because next thing he knows, Alec is calling him over.

“Alexander, these photos are for family only.” Magnus hears Maryse hissing as he approaches them. Her words are clearly meant for Alec’s ears only, but she makes no effort to keep her voice down.

Magnus stops in his tracks, and is about to concede when Alec speaks up, “Yes, and he is my husband.” he says harshly, then calls out to Magnus again, who hesitates for a moment, but then upon further insistence from his husband, he steps closer to him.

“Alexander, he is a stranger to us, he cannot be in the photo’s.” Maryse insists, exchanging a worried glance with her husband, and Magnus just wants to bury himself. “And when this fling of yours ends, we will be stuck -”

“Mother!” Alec snaps again, cutting her off and holding onto Magnus tightly, “he is my husband, and if you want me in the photo’s, he will be in them too.”

“Alexander, it’s fine, really, I -” Magnus begins, hating that he was causing this scene for Alec. but his husband won’t hear it, so he cuts him off and keeps holding onto him.

“Magnus, You are not going anywhere.” Alec insists, and his mother is left with no choice but to concede, because she obviously doesn’t want to make more of a scene in front of all their guests.

After a few awkward photo sessions, Alec pulls Magnus aside and wraps his arms around him tightly, “God I’ve been dying to hold you for so long.” Magnus chuckles at his words and feels the knot in his belly ease a bit, “I’m so sorry about the whole photoshoot fiasco.”

“That’s okay, it’s not your fault.” Magnus waves it off as he pulls back enough to look up at Alec who shakes his head, and to Magnus’ pure surprise, he leans in for a chaste, sweet kiss, and they both humm appreciatively against each other's lips - uncaring of any glaring, judgy eyes around them.

When they pull back, Alec looks serious again, “No, she should have treated you better.” his husband asserts, then sighs heavily, and when Magnus inquires if there is something wrong, he goes on, “I just… these past few days in my family home, being surrounded by all these people… I no longer feel like I fit in, it is all just too much.”

“I’m sorry.” Magnus says softly, hating how Alec is clearly struggling with himself. 

“It’s not your fault.” Alec pulls him in again, “but having you here really helps. And knowing that after this I can move back in with you?” Alec asks more than says, and looks a bit uncertain, and Magnus is quick to smile and rid him of his worries.

“I would love that.” he assures, then leans in for another quick kiss. His heart soaring at the thought of Alec wanting to live with him again.

Unfortunately Alec is pulled away from him yet again, having to keep up appearances and spend some time dancing with his sister and new brother in law. So Magnus hangs back, trying to keep out of the way, but wishing he didn’t feel like such a black sheep.

It is already dark out, and he is standing off to the side, watching Alec as he danced with Izzy - when he hears a deep, bone chilling voice speak behind him, “you look like you could use a drink.” and Magnus can’t help but agree, although he would rather a drink from anyone else.

He turns around just as Robert reaches him, “I’ve already had several.” Magnus says politely, trying to keep his tone even.

“But you haven’t had this.” Robert announces as he places a fancy looking bottle of scotch and two tumblers on the high table beside them, leaving no room for argument, so Magnus has no choice but to agree.

“Alright then.”

Robert pours them both a glass and Magnus watches warily as he continues to speak, “I'm glad we're having a moment alone. I haven't gotten a chance to really talk to you, Magnus.”

They clink their glasses, Magnus awkwardly congratulates him on his daughter's wedding, then they both drink and Magnus welcomes the burning in his throat, glad to have more liquid courage to help him face this scary man. “This is very nice.” he says as he lays down his glass.

“Yes, it is.” Robert agree’s, then after a moment of tense silence and a piercing gaze at Magnus he speaks again, “I've been thinking, and it's probably time to let us take it from here.”

Magnus watches him carefully, hoping he doesn’t mean what he thinks he means, “take what?” he questions, expecting the worse.

“Things with Alec, it is time to let him go.” Robert announces as if it were that easy, causing Magnus’ nerves to go wild, “I know he didn't have health insurance because you chose to live in a certain way, and I know you must be drowning in debt. But I also know a way out of this.”

Magnus desperately tries to hold himself together as he responds through gritted teeth, “What's that?”

“Divorce him.” Robert basically demands, and before Magnus can protest, Robert goes on, “The bills have only just begun, Magnus.”

“Mr. Lightwood, I don't think this is the time or the place to discuss this.” Magnus hisses, starting to fail to keep his cool.

“Fine. If you don't care about losing your business, which, clearly, you don't, what about Alec?” Robert questions, his voice and words dripping with contempt. “What about doing what is obviously the right thing for him?”

“And you know what's right for him?” Magnus snaps.

“As a matter of fact, I do.” and that’s it, the last straw.

“You're such a hypocrite.” Magnus snaps again, not caring anymore.

“What did you say?” Robert growls, straightening his back to his full, towering height.

But Magnus refuses to cave, “If you're such a family man, how come I never once saw you come and try to put things back together with Alec?” Magnus is basically huffing by the time he is done, and Robert watches in shock for a moment before composing himself. “The only reason you suddenly care again, is because he doesn’t remember why he left to begin with.”

“That is enough.” Robert hisses angrily, but Magnus goes on anyway.

“You appeared just because he reverted back to his old self.” Magnus snarls and shakes his head in disgust, “you’re all despicable, and Alexander is clever enough to see that again.” and with that, he just walks away, having no desire to continue his engagement with Robert.

An hour later, Magnus is sitting alone at his table waiting for Alec who had gone to make his final rounds - he seemed just as desperate as Magnus to get out of there. He runs a hand through his hair and contemplates whether he should just leave, when a smooth, gentle voice speaks up from beside him, “Hey, can I introduce you around a little bit?” Lydia asks, sounding kind, but Magnus doesn’t buy it, “Can't feel good to be the odd man out.”

Magnus snaps his gaze up at her, losing his patience quickly, especially after his talk with Robert, “I'm not the odd man out.” he bites.

“All right, if you say so.” Lydia says with an amused tone Magnus hates, “You just seem a little creepy over here all by yourself.”

“I'm just waiting for Alec.” Magnus says shortly, wanting the conversation to end and to be left alone.

“All right, well, best of luck with that.” Lydia snorts then turns her back to him.

Just as she is about to walk away, Magnus speaks up again, “You like this, right?”

“I'm sorry, like what?” Lydia looks confused.

“Alec left, started a whole new life without you.” Magnus begins to explain, looking up at her with a glare, “he started a life not only with a man, but with one that doesn’t belong in this world of yours. And now you get to see him reject all that.”

“I guess I like it a little bit.” Lydia replies with a pleased smirk.

“Yeah? Well, let me tell you what I like.” Magnus hisses, standing up and towering over her, “I like the fact that Alec told me everything about you, Lydia.”

“Okay.” Lydia scrunches her nose in distaste.

“He told me that when he was with you, he would wake up at night in a panic, thinking, "Is this all there is?"

“Wow, he told you everything, huh?” Magnus doesn’t like her smug tone, but ignores it as he continues to glare at her.

“Yeah.”

“Did he tell you that he threw himself at me the other day? Did he tell you that he kissed me?” Lydia questions, clearly out to do as much damage as she can, and succeeding. Not for the first time that night, Magnus feels his walls crumbling. “Or did Alec stop telling you everything when he forgot who the hell you were?”

Magnus musters up all the little strength he has left, refusing to show weakness, to allow Lydia the satisfaction of watching him fall apart, “Look, I get why you're being such a bitch.” he tells her, glad that he can still sound threatening, “You obviously love him, and you think you're gonna get him back. But the thing is, he outgrew you once, and he will do so again.”

“Thank you for that advice.” Lydia smirks again, folding her arms and watching him smugly, “I will mull it over while I'm in bed with your husband.”

Magnus clenches his jaw and fists, holding himself back with every fiber of his being, “yeah, keep dreaming.” he spits out then walks away.

He is already out of the mansion and walking down the steps when he hears Alec’s voice calling his name. But Magnus continues to walk away, his heart shredding to even more pieces as he struggles to breathe.

Alec manages to catch up with him and stop him in his tracks, “hey, wait up, are you okay?” he lets go of Magnus’ arm and cups his face, “Magnus, what happened?” he had caught a glimpse from afar of Magnus walking away from Lydia, clearly upset at whatever had been said. And Alec fills with chilling dread, knowing full well it has to be really bad - already having a terrifying suspicion.

Magnus gazes deep into his eyes as if searching for something, he does that for a long, silent moment, and Alec gives that to him. But then the smaller man pulls away and his gaze turns into a full on glare as he finally speaks, “you kissed her.” he says in a weak, broken voice. The words and the tone in which they were said, shatters Alec to pieces - because he knows this is not going to end well. Magnus should not have found out like this, and he hates that he can clearly see and hear how much pain he has caused him.

“Magnus, please, I can explain.” Alec pleads, trying to take a step closer, only to have Magnus step away from him again.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure you can.” Magnus mutters and folds his arms protectively around himself, “I've been doing everything I can to try and salvage our marriage and you just go and throw yourself at her.” he pauses again, as if just now realizing that it is real, “you cheated on me.” the words are spoken in pure disbelief, as if Magnus couldn’t grasp it, like it was the most unlikeliest thing to happen in the world. Then he repeats the words again, his voice shrinking smaller, vulnerable and disbelieving. “You cheated on me.”

“I did and I’m so sorry, it happened just after I came home from the hospital...” Alec desperately begins to explain, as Magnus’ eyes avert to the ground, tightening the hold on himself, “I was lost and confused, and I know it doesn’t excuse what I did in any way, but you have to know that I never meant to hurt you.”

“You went to her, knowing full well that we are married.” Magnus says angrily, finally looking back up, “you went to her, instead of trying to figure things out with me.”

“I know, it was a terrible move, but I was just trying to figure things out.” Alec desperately steps forward and manages to grab both of Magnus’ shoulders, “It was just a lot to get used to, having my life flipped completely like that.”

Magnus snorts and rolls his eyes at that, then steps out of his reach yet again, “Well, I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden to you ”

“No, Magnus, that’s not -” Alec begins, but Magnus quickly cuts him off.

“You know what Alec? I really don’t care.” he snaps, glaring up at him, his eyes filled with pain and anger, and Alec hates that he is the cause, “you are no longer the man I married, it is probably my fault for forcing you to try and be him again.”

“Magnus...” Alec pleads.

“I should just accept that I lost my husband that night of the accident.” Magnus’ voice breaks at the ends, he looks up at Alec with pure agony, fighting an internal battle. Then he takes a deep breath before he continues, “he was the love of my life, and you look so much like him, but you're not him, and it’s been so hard to accept that, but now I have to.”

“Magnus, Please!” Alec steps forward as Magnus starts to walk away.

“No, just leave me alone.” the last thing Alec wants is to leave Magnus, especially not like this, but when he tries to embrace the man again, he is shoved away, “don’t fucking touch me, don’t follow me, just leave me alone.” Then he dashes off to his car.

When Alec walks back into the mansion, pissed, hurting and trying to calm his nerves and spinning head, Lydia is quick to approach him. “Alec, I have something to tell you.” she begins in a light, happy tone as if she hadn’t just ruined his marriage.

“What is wrong with you?” he snaps at her, causing her to pause in shock, “why in the world would you tell him about the kiss?”

“Alec, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.” she feigns innocence, and Alec just rolls his eyes and snorts. “I swear, I just thought after that kiss that you wanted us to try again, I didn’t think he mattered anymore.”

“Of course he matters, Lydia!” Alec yells in rage, causing Lydia to jump and a few bystanders to look over, “we just kissed, it was a huge mistake, I never actually wanted us to get back together. Besides the fact that you are with Roger now.”

“I broke up with him.” Lydia says way too nonchalantly.

“What? Why in the world would you do that?” Alec asks, confused, “I thought you were getting engaged.”

“Yeah, well that was before you.” Alec frowns at that.

“No, that was after me.”

“It was after you, but it was also before this you, before the old you came back to me.” Lydia explains, and Alec is still confused and annoyed at her twisted logic.

“I am not the old me, Lydia. I am just me, trying to figure this whole fucked up situation out.” Alec tells her angrily, completely frustrated with her, “and none of this excuses you hurting Magnus, because clearly you telling him was your sick way of chasing him off.”

“Alec, I know I went about it wrong, I just got so swept up.” Lydia’s casual tone strums even more on Alec’s nerves, “and I don’t care if you’re the new or old you, I just know that you remember what we had and this is our chance to get back together.”

“What we had was great, we had some good memories, but those were my old memories, everything after you has been erased.” Alec pauses to take a deep breath, trying desperately not to yell at her, “I have discovered a whole new world without you in it, finally being true to my deepest wants and needs.”

“Are you sure you don't remember breaking up with me the first time?” Lydia asks sadly.

“Why?” Alec asks impatiently, having no desire to feel bad or sad for her.

“because it sounded a hell of a lot like that.”

“Yeah, well, I just realized you have been holding me back.” Alec snaps, losing his cool, “and you better hope to God you didn’t just ruin that.” then he is walking back out again, as she calls out to him, “I need to go to my husband.” he yells over his shoulder without looking back.

He may be confused, and he may not know yet who he really is right now, but the one thing he is certain about is Magnus. And he knows that he screwed up badly, that he made a huge mistake, but he refuses to just give up - he will do everything in his powers to make it better, to make Magnus happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SOOOOO SORRY! please don't hate me! I know you all didn't want Magnus to find out about the kiss from Lydia, but it was my plan from the beginning and it is mainly to emphasize the huge changes that Alec is going through. Alec was a completely different person before he met Magnus, and that man is the jerk that cheated, and the new Alec will work hard to fix it and make it better. Also it helps him see Lydia's true colours and how much he doesn't belong with her and in that world... but more on that in the next chapters.
> 
> so how was it? how much do we all hate Lydia right now??


	10. whatever it takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is hurt, and Alec tries to fix the damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies!
> 
> wow! the response to the previous chapter was beyond incredible and heartwarming, thanks so much for all the love and support, it really keeps me going!
> 
> so this one got a bit long and a bit emotional, hope you enjoy it as much as I loved writing it.
> 
> please let me know your thoughts!

Magnus couldn’t bear the thought of going back to their apartment, see all the evidence of his now non-existent love and marriage. So he sits at his desk in his boutique’s office - still wearing his suit, working on a sketch, trying to numb his pain, but failing miserably. He just couldn’t stop thinking about the sheer agony cursing through his entire being. 

He lost his husband. The love of his life. His Alexander. 

The man he married would have never so much as looked at anyone else, let alone kiss them, and especially wouldn’t lie to him. Alec kissed another person. No matter the screwed up circumstances or how confused Alec was, that hurt more than a knife stab.

Magnus is so lost and deep in thought, that he doesn’t hear or see Clary walking towards him, he doesn’t even flinch when she speaks, “oh, no.” she says softly, voice filled with remorse, “You're here… not at the wedding. Are you okay?”

“I'm done.” Magnus says in a small voice, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head in defeat, “It's over, I give up.”

“No, you never give up, Magnus.” Clary insists, stepping even closer, but Magnus just shakes his head again and looks up at her with tear-filled eyes, and a broken gaze.

“He cheated on me.” he says with another shrug, causing Clary to gasp loudly, “he went to Lydia, and he kissed her.”

“At the wedding?” she snaps angrily.

Magnus shakes his head, “no, a few days after he was released from the hospital.” Clary watches him with pity and he hates it. And he hates that Alec cheated on him, and he hates that he still misses him, painfully so. But he lost his husband the night of the accident, and he has been in denial, and he can no longer afford to do so.

“I’m so sorry Magnus.” Clary wraps him up in a warm hug, which Magnus appreciates but cannot bring himself to hug back.

“I was just thinking about when we first started dating.” Magnus suddenly says in a weak voice, staring into space, “it was just after my 30th birthday, and I was having this mid-life crisis or something, dragging him around the city, rambling on about FOMO, and having so much left to do and experience, of making the most of every moment.” Magnus manages a small sad chuckle at the memory, “And then… he stared at me and didn't say anything for a moment and he just… he just sort of exhaled it. He whispered I love you.”

Magnus kept staring into space, but he could feel Clary’s eyes on him, and he was glad that she stayed silent, giving him his time, “It was the first time he had said it, and I didn't even wanna respond. I just wanted to keep hearing it.” he pauses again and sighs heavily. “That was two weeks after we met. It only took him two weeks to fall in love with me before. And now… he doesn't love me.” Magnus’ voice breaks and a small sound, somewhere between a sob and a whimper escapes his lips.

How does he go on now without the man who was the love of his life? How does he walk away from it all?

*****

When Alec arrives at their apartment, it is dark, quiet and after further inspection, he realizes that it is also empty. He calls out Magnus’ name and searches everywhere, but his husband is nowhere to be found. From the moment he left, Alec has been trying to contact him - calling a messaging, but to no avail. 

When he realizes that Magnus is not there, he tries to call again, but still no answer. “Shit.” he curses loudly, as his whole body itches and his nerves go crazy. He needs to see his husband, he needs to talk to him and fix things. He can barely stand the thought of Magnus out there somewhere, alone and hurt. And he hates himself, he hates himself so much for being the cause of all that anguish.

He racks his brain, and tries desperately to think where he could be and where he could search for him, but comes up short. So he has no other choice but to wait, and it is absolutely tortuous. And it only gets worse as more and more time passes. Why had he never asked Magnus where his boutique is? Why had he never asked where his friends live, where he hangs out? Their phone number, anything. Why did he have to be such a jerk?

He paces for a while, then walks through the apartment, searching all the shelves and drawers, making a mess as he desperately tries to find any clue or information. When he finds nothing, he sits on the couch and bounces his knees restlessly, constantly changing up his position. 

An hour passes, and still no Magnus. Alec leans forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He rubs his face roughly, and when he looks up, he notices some envelopes on the coffee table, the big red stamps on them makes him frown and reach out for them. On further inspection he realizes what they are. Overdue bills. Debt. a lot of it.

He is such an idiot. He should have thought about this before, about bills and rent. He should have asked Magnus about their finances… how could he not realize it, how had he not even thought about it? Magnus was left alone, with one salary instead of two, and months of debt to pay. 

Alec stands and paces again, clutching onto the bills in his hands, cursing and swearing to himself that he will fix this, he will make it better. All of it.

Another half an hour later, Alec is almost crawling out of his skin, and is just about ready to call the police. But then he finally,  _ finally!  _ hears keys unlocking the door. Then it opens, and Alec stands anxiously waiting for Magnus to come into the lounge. 

When Magnus see’s him standing there, he freezes in his spot, and seems to almost jump out of his skin. When he manages to compose himself a bit, he chokes out, “what are you doing here?”

Alec clenches his jaw, he hates how vulnerable and pained he sounds and looks, and he hates even more that he is the one that caused it. He steps forward, only to have the other man step away from him quickly, “Magnus…” he pleads.

“Stay away from me.” Magnus snaps at him, then repeats his earlier question, “what are you doing here?”

“I just.. I wanted to see you, so we could talk. I need to explain things.” Alec tells him desperately, itching to step closer and hold him. “Please, just let me explain.”

“What is there to explain?” Magnus questions, sounding jaded and hopeless, “you kissed her, and clearly I’m just standing in your way, preventing you from the life you want.”

Alec frowns deeply, “No, Magnus! That is not - “ he quickly tries, but Magnus cuts him off.

“I saw the way you looked at her, that night at the bar and at the engagement party.” Magnus says in a small, broken voice, “I know, because that’s the way you used to look at me.”

“Magnus, no, I -” he tries again, but is cut off once more.

“No, I think we need to start being realistic. Your memory's not coming back.” Magnus says in a way that suggests that he has completely given up, “The fact is that I'm still just a stranger to you, and clearly I don’t belong in your world anymore.” the smaller man takes a deep breath, and Alec can tell he is trying to hold himself together with every ounce of strength he has left.

“That’s not true!” Alec quickly denies and steps forward again, managing to grab Magnus’ arms before he could step away again, “I know I screwed up and I treated you like crap, and you deserve none of it, and I’m so sorry. Just please let me fix it.”

“You were a jerk,” Magnus agrees, then takes a step back again out of his reach, “but I can’t really blame you, not really, because you lost your memories, your whole life was flipped.”

“Magnus -”

“Just leave Alec, I will sign the divorce papers, just please don’t drag this out any longer.” Magnus’ entire being seems lost and broken, and Alec has no idea how to make it better, he just knows that he needs to.

“I don’t want a divorce, I want to be with you, not with Lydia.” Alec insists, trying to convey his honesty, “I know I hurt you in the worst way possible, but I refuse to give up on you, I won’t.”

“Alec -” but this time he is the one to cut Magnus off.

“No, I won’t let you push me away.” he says adamantly, “I can’t explain it, but I just feel it deep in my bones. My mind may not remember but I just know that I belong with you and I will do whatever it takes to make it better.”

Magnus averts his gaze as he bites his bottom lip, taking a moment to compose himself, but eventually he responds in a quiet voice, “Alec, I am exhausted, so if you want you can sleep on the couch and we can talk about this tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay.” Alec concedes, not wanting to pressure him, and understanding that it is late, it has been a long day and Magnus needs his space.

Magnus then steps past him and into the bedroom, and Alec has to physically stop himself from grabbing him and embracing him. He wants to make his pain go away, he wants to fix all the damage he caused. And he despises that he can’t.

After preparing the couch for himself, Alec strips down to his boxers which is when he realizes that he has nothing with him, and he hadn’t even had a chance to shower. He suddenly feels so dirty and sticky, but doesn’t know if he should even attempt to ask Magnus if he can use the bathroom, which is in the bedroom. 

Alec hesitates for a long moment, stuck in his spot and looking from the couch to the closed bedroom door and back again. Eventually he sighs and concedes, deciding it is best if he just let his husband be for now and not disturb him any further.

But just as he is about to lay down on the couch, the bedroom door opens and Magnus emerges. He’s now wearing purple, silk pajama pants and a matching robe, and his hair is wet and his face is clear of any make up. Alec looks up at him and is overwhelmed by the burning desire bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He can barely stop himself from crossing the space between them and wrapping him up in his arms.

“You can take a shower if you want.” Magnus says in a small voice, avoiding his gaze.

“Yeah, thanks.” Alec says gratefully and steps forward, as Magnus walks back into the room.

“There is a clean towel by the sink.” Magnus tells him, his back to him, but Alec catches a glimpse of his red bloodshot eyes anyway, and it takes everything to not comfort him. “I also put some clothes for you.”

“Thank you.” Alec chokes out, itching to close the gap between them, he can’t even imagine the kind of pain Magnus must be in right now. And the man is still being gracious and kind to him. He is all too aware of how much he doesn’t deserve it. “Magnus I -” he tries, but Magnus is quick to cut him off with a short and simple, ‘tomorrow.’ then he buries himself under the blanket, back turned to him, and Alec reluctantly leaves him be and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Alec takes a quick shower, wanting to get out of Magnus’ way as soon as possible, because he knows he has bothered him enough and he should just let him sleep peacefully for now. He dresses in the boxers, T-shirt and sweatpants Magnus had left for him, then hangs his towel. As he is about to leave, he freezes with his hand on the handle, because he can hear small whimpers and sob’s coming from inside the bedroom. They are muffled and clearly not meant to be heard, but they hit Alec to his core. He clenches his teeth almost painfully, and clutches the handle in a strong grip, his whole being now yearning to go comfort his husband and make those sounds disappear and never come back.

*****

As soon as he hears the bathroom door open, Magnus shoves his face even harder into the pillow, desperately trying to stop his uncontrollable sobs, praying that Alec hadn’t heard him. He could no longer hold it in, his whole body was shaking and burning. He hadn’t felt this kind of pain in a long time, and he had no idea how to handle it. He couldn’t. Alec was the love of his life, and he never thought he would need to imagine a world without him. 

He never even thought for a second that there would be a world where he no longer fits in Alec’s life. And he had no idea how he is supposed to remove Alec from his own, especially since he is engraved in every tiny inch of it.

Alec was so much more than just his husband, he was his best friend, he was the person he turned to for advice, comfort and help. And all he wants now is his husband's consolation, his strong arms wrapped around him - shielding him for the world and the strain.

As he clutches onto the blanket and pillow, he listens to Alec’s footsteps, waiting for him to leave and close the door behind him, so he can release the huge clogging in his throat. But to his surprise and horror, the sound of footsteps grows closer, and soon the bed behind him is dipping from Alec’s weight.

“Magnus, I’m sorry, I know you asked me to leave you alone, but I… I can’t.” the younger man whispers, and Magnus has to hold on even harder, “I know I hurt you, but I just can’t stay away and leave you to suffer alone.” Magnus keeps his back to him, and tries to take deep breaths to calm his racing heart, but that only causes him to choke on the lump in his throat. “Shit, Magnus, please, I can’t watch you suffer like this.”

Then those strong arms he had been craving, wrap around him, and his husband's warm body envelopes him, and Magnus hasn’t even an ounce of strength left in him, as he lets go of the pillow and blanket, clinging onto Alec instead.

“I’m so sorry.” Alec whispers against his temple, then kisses him there, and when Magnus turns in his arms and buries himself against his chest, his husband wraps him up even tighter. “I’m sorry, I know I hurt you, but I will do whatever it takes to make it better. I promise you I’ll make it better.”

Despite his feelings of betrayal and heartbreak, Magnus allows himself one more moment of denial, a moment to take exactly what he needs right now - which is to be held by his beloved husband, to have that comforting, strong embrace. Especially since Alec was proving himself by staying, because he could have left, he could have ignored his breakdown and let him endure it alone. But he didn’t. And in that moment he was so much like his Alexander, refusing to standby or leave.

Eventually he falls asleep from exhaustion, and when he wakes up in the morning, Alec is no longer beside him. The bed feels cold and empty, and Magnus wonders perhaps he had dreamed it all. But he pushes those thoughts aside as the flood of anger and strain washes over him. He suddenly feels suffocated, and he needs to get out of the apartment.

So he showers again, dresses and leaves the bedroom. He pauses in the entry to the kitchen, when he finds Alec there, who quickly fumbles to pour him a mug of coffee. Magnus looks at the table which is filled with pancakes, waffles, eggs, salad and cheeses. “I made us breakfast.” Alec tells him sheepishly, but Magnus doesn’t respond or accept the coffee handed to him. 

He just looks away as he speaks, “I’m not hungry.” he mutters, then turns to leave.

“Magnus, wait, where are you going?” Alec questions, as he follows him out to the lounge, where Magnus collects his bag, wallet and keys.

“I’m going to work.” Magnus says shortly, then starts walking over to the front door.

Alec pauses for a second, then jumps forward and grabs his hand, “it’s Sunday.” he argues.

Magnus shrugs his shoulder and finally looks up at him, “yeah well, I need to get out of here.” he tells him coldly.

“But, I ummm… I thought we could talk.” Alec stammers, still clutching onto Magnus’ hands, “please, Magnus, you said we could talk.”

“I changed my mind.” and when Alec shakes his head and tries to protest, he adds, “there’s not much to talk about anyway. You cheated, you belong with her, in her world.”

“No I don’t.” Alec snaps, looking him dead in the eyes, “I had no idea what I was doing. I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, but I was confused and lost, and I had no idea who I was anymore and what I wanted. So I made the mistake of going to her to try and figure things out, but Magnus, please, I belong with you, not her.”

Magnus tries to step out of his hold, but Alec won’t budge, “let me go.”

“No.” Alec insists stubbornly.

“Alexander, I -” but his husband cuts him off by smashing their lips together roughly, and when Magnus tries to push him off, Alec just holds on tighter, gripping his nape and steps forward when Magnus steps back. “Alec, no, you can’t shut me up like this.” he finally manages between kisses. But he is contradicting his own words when he actually kisses back.

“Well it seems to be the only way…” Alec mumbles against his lips, shoving Magnus’ bag off his shoulder and throwing it off to the side, so he can wrap his arms fully around him. “Please stay, let’s eat breakfast and talk.”

And finally,  _ finally _ , Magnus melts and nods, “okay.” he whispers against his lips, then Alec smiles and pulls him towards the kitchen.

Contrary to what he had claimed before, Magnus was actually very much starving, and his stomach growls angrily as they sit down. He smiles sheepishly at Alec who has a knowing, triumphant smile. Then they start eating.

“Magnus, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. And I’m sorry that you had to find out like that, it was terrible.” Alec eventually says, cutting off the silence, “I wanted to tell you on the date, but I couldn’t bring myself to ruin the mood, we were finally in a good place.”

Magnus finishes his bite, then puts down his fork and looks up at him, “I know, and it’s hard for me to blame you, because it’s not really your fault, you woke up in the hospital with no memories of me.” he says with a small shrug, then after mulling over a bit longer, “but I still can’t get it out of my head, and I still feel betrayed.”

“I know, and you have every right to feel that way.” Alec puts his fork down as well, then scoots closer to him and grabs his hands, looking him deep in the eyes, “nothing justifies the way I treated you, I was a jerk , and I was stuck in my own head. I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am for that, and for the way my family treated you, you shouldn’t have been treated that way.”

Magnus bites his bottom lip and nods softly, “but you still don’t really know me, and you don’t love me, you said it yourself.”

“I don’t know what I feel yet, this is all very new and different for me.” Alec tells him honestly, clearly trying to soften the blow, “but I do feel things for you, I don’t know yet what it is, and I can’t really explain it, but I just know that nothing has ever felt so right. And I’m willing to fight for it, Magnus.”

Magnus smiles softly, “I’m willing too.” and that causes Alec to smile brilliantly.

“I may not be the same Alec, but I want to try and just be this me, a new me.” he confesses, “I decided to go back to Columbia, but I still want to stay here with you.”

Magnus frowns in surprise, “oh.” he says, a bit taken aback, “yeah, okay, I guess we can try.” but he isn’t convinced, and it scares him that it will pull Alec back into that world even more, and stretch the rift between them.

“I promise you that it won’t change my feelings for you.” Alec says with conviction, as if he read his mind, “and it won’t make me try any less harder to fix this.”

“Okay.” Magnus says in a small voice, hoping he isn’t being a fool and making more mistakes. He just can’t bear to lose him, and if Alec is willing to put in the work, so is he.

When they are done eating, and talking some more about everything, Magnus notices the envelopes on the counter as they work together to clear the dishes. He picks them up and tries to recall when he had left them there, when Alec cuts through his thoughts, “I found those in the lounge” he explains, rubbing the back of his neck, “shit, Magnus I’m sorry for that too, I had no idea, and I should have asked you about it.”

“It’s okay, you had no way of knowing without me telling you.” Magnus tries to shrug it off, but Alec shakes his head in refusal.

“No, I just gave up that illustrating job and the money without even a second thought about you, and I’m so sorry about it.” Alec insists, stepping closer, “I paid them, all of them, also the rent.”

Magnus stares up at him dumbfounded, “what? How?”

“My father gave me my trust fund back, so I thought I may as well use it for something good.” Alec explains sheepishly.

“Oh.” Magnus frowns in surprise.

“I’m sorry, did I overstep?” Alec questions, confused by his response.

“No, it was wonderful of you, but you’ve just… you never wanted to take money from him.” Magnus explains, “but it's fine, great even.”

“Oh, I just… I just wanted to do something right.” Magnus hesitates for a moment, but then he steps forward and wraps his arms around his husband's neck.

“You did.” he says shortly, then leans up to capture Alec’s lips with his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh poor Magnus, hurting so bad, and the one person he wants to comfort him is the same one who hurt him and caused him pain. what do you think? should he have let Alec comfort him? should he keep giving him a hard time for what he did or just move forward? what about Alec? he really is fighting for him, finally!
> 
> what do you think? please let me know in the comments :)


	11. so very painfully gay, for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there my lovelies!  
> hope you're all doing well!  
> thanks so so much from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support, you guys are amazing and it really never ceases to amaze me!
> 
> so I decided to add yet another chapter and make the final count - 12! all so I can write a chapter which is basically umm... well, smut. this is my first time writing such a long smut scene, and I'm still a bit iffy about it, but hopefully you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> sooo without any further ado, and befoe I regret it... chapter 11

A whole month passes, and Alec stands true to his words and makes efforts to fix their broken relationship. Alec consciously puts in extra work and takes as many measures possible to make things better, to heal Magnus’ broken heart and spirits. But no matter how many gifts he buys or small and large gestures he makes, Magnus still seems to keep a slight distance between them. Even though Alec had been trying to devote all of his time to him, keeping his distance from his family so they can work on their relationship

At first Magnus had acknowledged it, but just barely. He would murmur quiet ‘thank you’s’ and smile ever so slightly. But he would still spend as much time as he could away from Alec, and with time he avoided him more and more. Then he started becoming irritated by his presence, snapping at Alec every chance he got. But Alec knew it was his way of coping, that he was having a hard time processing it all, so he kept fighting and trying.

More than once had Magnus cautiously watched Alec, as if expecting him to disappear or suddenly forget him again. It saddens Alec to no end to think of the other man constantly waiting for him to change his mind and leave, which is clearly what he is feeling. And no matter how much Alec tries to assure him, and no matter the fact that he keeps staying - Magnus keeps a protective, invisible barrier between them.

And Alec wants nothing more than to barge through it and break it down, throw away all those bricks and prove to Magnus that he is real, that he is going nowhere, that he is sticking with him until the end no matter what. But he’s clearly doing something wrong, because he keeps failing and he has no idea what to do anymore. Especially since all Alec craves for is to be close to the other man, who seems to flinch away at every touch.

In the past week, Magnus had finally seemed to open up a bit, he stopped snapping at Alec and didn’t avoid him as much. He even smiled at him again and engaged in light, easy conversations. But it still wasn’t enough.

So Alec arranges a romantic dinner at home, with delicious food and candles, and it seems to actually crack a bit at Magnus’ meticulous, strong wall. He finally loosens up a bit, lets go as they engage in light and comfortable conversations, even laugh a bit. Alec finally feels the always present knot in his stomach begin to loosen, as they spend the pleasant evening together.

But it all goes straight down hill, when at the end of the evening, after they are done clearing up, Alec wraps his arms around Magnus and starts kissing him, at first hesitantly and very lightly. But slowly grows more confident and even starts to turn passionate. The older man indulges him for a short moment, but then quickly pulls away and starts heading to their bedroom.

Alec stares dumbfounded for a moment at Magnus’ retreating back as he tries to comprehend what just happened, he was clearly leading to something and the other man just cut it off and walked away without a word.

So he follows him into the bedroom once he composes himself, and watches Magnus for a moment as he sits at his vanity table, wiping off his make-up. “Magnus?” he finally braves, “is everything okay?”

Magnus glances up at him through the mirror, nods, hums and smiles, then goes back to cleaning his face. “It’s just, you’ve been so distant, and I was hoping we could, ummm...” Alec stammers, having a hard time explaining what he wants. 

Magnus is done cleaning his face, and is in the process of applying face-cream, when he pauses and looks up at Alec again, “what?” he questions, a bit impatiently, then continues without waiting for a response, “is that what this evening was about? sex?” of course he understood without Alec actually saying the words, but the way he put it has his stomach churning.

“No, that’s not - Magnus, of course it wasn’t.” Alec insists, stepping closer, “I mean, yeah, I really want to be with you, but I prepared this evening because I wanted to do something special for you, for us.”

Magnus closes his eyes and sighs heavily, “And it was lovely, I just...” his voice trails as he shrugs, then bows his head slightly, looking deflated. And Alec immediately takes action, because he will have none of that - so he steps forwards, spins Magnus' chair towards him and kneels before him.

“Magnus...” Alec whispers softly, then cups his face and lifts his head so their eyes meet, “I know I’ve destroyed your trust and hurt you so bad, and I will do whatever it takes to make it better.‘

“I know, and you have been doing so much.” Magnus says with a soft, sad smile. And Alec is a bit surprised, because it is the first time he has mentioned Alec’s efforts and gestures - he was almost positive they went unnoticed or at least unwanted. “I’m just having a really hard time letting my guard down, I’m just scared it will...” Magnus pauses abruptly as his shaking voice breaks slightly.

“I’m not going to leave or hurt you again, I swear.” Alec insists, standing up and pulling Magnus to his feet as well, then embraces him tightly, kissing the top of his head, “I just want to be with you.”

Magnus pulls back enough to look up at him and smiles gently, “I know, you’ve proven yourself plenty during this past month.” he says then kisses Alec’s cheek, “I’ve just had a difficult time opening up to it again. And this past week, I really wanted to, but just didn’t know how, especially after how I’ve been treating you.” he pauses to take a deep breath, as Alec leans in and presses his lips to Magnus’ forehead.

“I will wait for you as long as it takes you to be ready.” Alec promises into his skin.

“Thank you.” Magnus pauses again, looks up at Alec with pure want, then, “but I am ready now.”

Then his lips are on Alec’s as they both clutch onto each other, their lips glide and slide together in a wet, hungry kiss that grows even rougher and sloppier as their desire inflates. Alec had spent the past month sneaking secret glances at the other man, as he just walks around, and does simple chores, even when he is fully dressed he is irresistible. And when he dressed and undressed, it was near impossible to keep his hands to himself.

Alec pours out all his pent up energy and desire for the other man, as they start pulling and pushing at their clothes, trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. “Are you sure?” Alec murmurs in between kisses.

In lieu of an answer, Magnus just tears open Alec’s button up shirt, sending buttons flying everywhere, as his hands start feeling up his pecs and abs. The smaller man pulls away from the kiss so he can stare at the chiseled man before him in complete abandon, and Alec gets drunk on that look in his eyes, loving that it is directed at him.

“God, I’ve missed this. So much.” Magnus whispers as he leans in and presses soft kisses against his warm skin, working his way down, from his pecs to his belly, pausing at his nipples to suck them into his mouth one by one, causing Alec’s head to fall back and his eyes to close, as a loud moan is tears out of him.

“Shit, Magnus.” he rasps, as his hand clutches at his head and hair, “you’re so perfect. So good.” and that only spurs the other man on even more, as he sucks on the hardened nipples even harder. Then he falls to his knees as he works his way to the prominent abs, licking and kissing the ridges and plains of his belly.

Alec is so lost in the pleasure of it, that it takes him embarrassingly long to notice that Magnus is working his belt and pants open. All he can manage is a loud groan, then a soft growl that would embarrass him in any other situation, but he isn’t coherent enough to actually care at the moment.

This whole evening has taken a sharp turn, and his brain is stuttering to catch up, but god he loves it.

When Magnus finally pulls his cock out of the confines of his pants and briefs, they both moan at the sight and touch, as Magnus tugs at it with his hand. “Shit, I missed your cock so much.”

“Fuck, Magnus, it feels amaz - ahh!” Alec gets cut off as Magnus’ lips wrap around his tip, slowly and softly sucking it in and out of his mouth, his tongue teasing his slit, “shit, shit, so good...” his hand automatically finds its way back into Magnus’ hair as he works his way further down Alec’s length, extracting more and more filthy noises out of him. It has been so long, and he has felt so desperate, that he already feels his release building up, so he tugs at Magnus’ hair again and warns, “Magnus, you need to stop, I’m so close...”

The smaller man quickly pulls away and looks up at him, and god, he makes such a beautiful picture - on his knees, his cheeks flushed and lips swollen, and Alec just wants to devour him. So before Magnus can protest, Alec pulls him up and kisses him roughly, then pushes him back towards the bed, helping him lay down on his back when they reach it.

Alec first rids himself of his pants, briefs and torn shirt, then makes quick work to rid Magnus of his clothes. When the older man is spread on the bed in all his glory, Alec takes a moment to scan his gaze over him, drinking up the gorgeous sight before him. Then he lets his hands roam over Magnus’ caramel skin, enjoying the way it causes him to writhe and moan, as his hands make their way up his legs, then his stomach and pecs, and his arms, shoulders and neck.

When he is done, he makes the same trail, but with his lips and tongue, kissing and sucking small marks along Magnus’ inner thighs, then making his way across his torso, collar bones and neck. Alec keeps close attention to the way Magnus’ fists clutch at the sheets, and makes sure to note what makes him hold on even tighter, and moan louder. And he is getting absolutely drunk on it, and he is enjoying every single moment, drinking them up like a famished man. Which he is.

He had been dreaming and fantasizing about this moment for so long. He had always wondered what it would be like to devour and worship a man's body like this. And during the past month it only got more intense and more frequent. But also more specific - because he was fantasizing about devouring only Magnus and no one else. And it is beyond thrilling to finally have this, so much so that his entire body and soul is buzzing and thrumming in excitement and anticipation. 

When he is finally done worshiping Magnus’ body (well, for now at least, because let’s face it - he will never be done, and it will never be enough), he crawls up his body to capture his lips again in a hungry kiss, grinding their hard cocks together, causing them both to moan into the kiss.

“What do you want?” he asks into the other's mouth.

“What do _you_ want?” Magnus counters, and Alec pulls back to look at him, as his hips continue to grind down gently into Magnus on their own accord.

“Anything, everything.” he responds with a smile, “what did I like before?”

Magnus frowns a bit at that, “that doesn’t matter, what does, is what _you_ want now.” Magnus tells him sweetly, cupping his face and smiling up at him, “this is all new to you, and you may not like or want what you wanted before, and that’s okay.”

Alec surges down and closes the gap between them again, kissing the other man as deeply as possible, trying to convey without words how much his understanding and compassion means to him.

Then he pulls back and smiles shyly, when he struggles to speak what he wants, Magnus encourages him softly, “it’s okay, you can tell me.”

Alec hesitates for another short moment, then takes a deep breath and says, “umm I would like you to umm… I want you inside me, I want to know what that feels like.” 

Magnus smiles up at him and nods as best he can in this position, “fuck, yes.” he agrees without hesitation, then quickly flips them over, chuckling at Alec’s surprised look and small yelp. “I really want that too.” Magnus murmurs as they start kissing languidly again, as Alec's hands roam up his back and down his sides.

When he manages to pull apart from him long enough to reach out to the bedside drawer, Magnus pulls out the bottle of lube they have neglected for a very long time, _too long._

He wipes the dust of the cap, then opens it and pours a generous amount on his fingers, then closes the bottle again and throws it onto the bed beside them. “Are you ready?” he asks, and Alec can feel his whole body vibrating in anticipation.

“Yeah, yes.” he says and nods, watching Magnus as he kneels between his legs.

“Okay, I’ll be gentle, but please let me know if it hurts.” and when Alec agrees he presses a lubed finger against his entrance, rubbing soft circles around it, causing Alec to throw his head back and groan loudly. If he was already a mess at such a small touch, he can’t even imagine what it would be like to actually have Magnus inside him. And he can’t wait to find out.

Magnus slowly pushes the tip of his finger inside, moving it around in circles, teasing Alec’s tight hole in an attempt to get it to loosen up. When the muscle relaxes a bit, he slowly pushes the finger all the way in, and pauses, “okay?” he questions shortly, and Alec can only nod and hum, because, fuck, it is already so overwhelming.

Magnus smiles at him, and starts pulling his finger out slowly, then pushing it back in, as his other hand caress Alec’s thigh softly. As Alec’s hole continues to looses, Magnus speeds up his finger’s thrusting in and out of it, causing Alec to moan more and more. Then he is twisting and turning his finger around inside, rubbing against a certain spot, a touch that sends jolts of pleasure rushing through his entire body, “shit.” he curses loudly. 

Alec had fingered himself a long while ago, both before and during his relationship with Lydia (of course without her knowledge). He had been so ashamed of it, but the desperate yearning for it, and the deep curiosity and need to know what it would feel like, led him to try it out. It had taken him a while to find the right spot, but eventually he found it and saw stars.

Having Magnus find his prostate so easily now (which is probably due to the fact that Magnus actually already knew his body well after doing this many times before), was beyond astonishing and remarkable, not to mention how much better his skilled touch was compared to his own. He catches a glimpse of the other man's proud smile, as he hits that spot again, ripping out of Alec another deep moan.

Alec’s hips automatically buck and push back onto Magnus’ finger, searching for more, “Magnus, more...” he pleads, not knowing exactly what he is asking for. But he is pleased when Magnus understands anyway and knows exactly what he needs, and next thing he knows, Magnus is adding a second, and after a while longer, a third one, slowly, and deliciously working him open.

“I’m ready, I want you inside me.” Alec rambles after what seems like forever, not really knowing how he knows, but he just does, and he feels it down to his core - he needs to feel Magnus as close as can be, he needs to feel him inside and against him.

He is glad when Magnus doesn’t tease him any further, and just pulls out his fingers, causing Alec’s hole to clench around nothing, which leads to a crushing and unexpected feeling of emptiness, and wanting to be filled. He desperately watches as Magnus lubes up his dick, and suddenly finds himself stopping Magnus by grabbing his hips as he starts positioning his length towards Alec’s entrance.

When Magnus looks at him questioningly, he asks, “condom?” but regrets the word as soon as it escapes his lips, because it causes Magnus to retreat, and his eyes fill with horror and dread.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, I just… I shouldn’t have assumed.” he rambles as his eyes avoid his, “we just never… but we can if -”

“No!” Alec quickly blurts out, cutting him off, “it’s okay, I don’t want it, I want to feel you. I just… it was stupid, I don’t even know why I asked.”

Magnus hesitates for a torturous moment longer, until Alec pulls him back over him, kisses him and says, “just get inside me already.” then after a small pause, and with a cheeky grin, “please.”

“Yeah, okay.” Magnus immediately agrees then positions himself again, clutching onto Alec’s shoulders as he slowly pushes inside him. They both gasp and moan loudly at the penetration. “Fuck, you’re so tight.” Magnus breathes out when he’s half way in, clearly holding onto every ounce of the little self control he has left, not to just thrust all the way in at once.

And Alec finds that he wants that too, but knows they need to take it slow, so he just wraps his arms around Magnus tightly and enjoys the slight burn as he pushes even further in.

When Magnus bottoms out, he pauses as they both pant and gasp, both too overwhelmed to say anything, as they just hold onto each other - their whole bodies aligned and pressed together. They’re both clearly struggling to keep still, and Magnus’ whole being is trembling slightly as he buries his face in Alec’s neck and battles to control himself.

Alec can only assume that he had been yearning for this moment, because for him they were married a long time and probably had a constant, healthy sex life. So to suddenly have to adjust and have all that taken away, must have been really difficult on him.

Alec caresses the smooth, warm and damp skin of his back as he too struggles to adjust to the mind-boggling sensation of being filled by Magnus. The burn slowly turns into a new, amazing feeling he had never felt before. Everything is tingling and all he wants is, “move!” he practically begs.

Magnus grunts as he pulls his hips back, his cock dragging deliciously against Alec’s walls as he pulls out, then plunges back in. “yes!” Alec shouts out, throwing his head back as Magnus repeats the movement again, and then again - while groaning and grunting loudly into the younger man's ear, which sends shivers down his spine. It is like nothing else he had ever felt, an unimaginable pleasure that courses through him, overpowering him together with the satisfying thought of Magnus actually being inside him. “Shit, this feels so good.”

In lieu of an answer, Magnus pulls his head up and captures his lips again, kissing him in what can only be described as _filthy_ , and Alec kisses back enthusiastically. They continue switching between wet, sloppy kisses and just breathing, gasping and moaning into each other's mouths. All the while, they are clutching and grabbing, touching every and any part of the other they can reach.

“Fuck me harder, faster.” Alec pleads in between kisses, feeling a foreign desperation and burning need in the pit of his stomach, growing and spreading rapidly to his entire body. “Please, Magnus, I need more.”

Without a word, Magnus speeds up his pace, thrusting in faster and harder as his hand reaches between them and he grabs hold of Alec’s painfully hard, and needy cock. “Shit, yes, yes.” he moans as the older man starts moving his hand in time with his thrusts.

“Fuck, Alexander, you feel so good.” Magnus moans, as his thrusts start to get frantic and desperate, “I missed this so much, missed being this close to you.”

Alec kisses him, his hands sliding down his back and landing on his hips, starting to help them in their movements, “I know, babe, I know. And I love having you inside me, so much.” and he is suddenly hit by the intense yearning to be able to say how much he missed it too, and is frustrated that he can’t, because he can’t remember.

And he is washed with the drowning sensation and pure _want_ to remember and get his memories back. 

“Please, Magnus, I’m so close...” he rambles as Magnus drives into his prostate with every thrust, and his hand on his dick helps bring him closer to the edge.

“Me too.” Magnus whispers as he struggles for breath, but continues his frenzied thrusts and strokes on Alec’s cock, quickly pushing him over the edge, as unimaginable, and all-consuming pleasure sparks and explodes through him in large waves. All the while, Magnus encourages, “yes, yes, darling, cum for me.”

And only when Alec cums, does Magnus start chasing his own release, letting go of Alec’s cock and focusing on his thrusts that become sloppier as he grows closer, then stutter and then come to a sudden halt as he cums deep into Alec, grunting and moaning loudly, basically yelling Alec’s name in abandon.

And when Alec is back online enough to register the other man's orgasm, he encourages him too, “yes Magnus, that’s it - fill me up, cum inside me.” Magnus shoots load after load into him, as they both pant and grasp onto each other.

Magnus then collapses on top of Alec, and they stay like that, silently, for a long moment, until Magnus finally regains the strength to slowly pull away, and out of Alec, then rolls onto his back beside him.

“Fuck that was amazing.” Alec exclaims, breaking the silence and causing Magnus to chuckle, “I’ve never cum that hard in my life.” he then turns over to his side, and when the other man does the same and they are both facing each other, he asks, “am I sure I’m bisexual?” he blurts out of the blue. 

Magnus frowns, then smiles in amusement, “why do you ask?”

“It’s just, I’ve always just assumed that I was, because I did love Lydia, and I was attracted both to her and men, or at least so I thought.” Alec pauses a moment to mull it over, “but being with you now, I just… it makes me doubt everything I ever thought and believed.”

“How so?”

“Well...” Alec begins as his roams up and down his side, “I just never felt anything this intensely before, and it makes me think perhaps I have been lying to myself. Because right now, all I feel is gay. So very painfully gay, for you.” as he speaks, he rolls Magnus onto his back and covers his body with his own as he kisses him yet again.

“Have we never spoken about it before?” Alec questions before Magnus has a chance to respond, then eagerly continues, “I mean, have I been with other men beside you?”

Magnus chuckles and pecks him again before responding, “are you sure you don’t remember anything?” he questions, squinting his eyes into a suspicious gaze.

“Why?”

“Because you said _very_ similar things the first time we were together, too.” Magnus explains, and when Alec asks him to, he elaborates, “you’ve been with other men before me, not a lot, but after Lydia you did have sex with a few men, you said you were desperate to know what it was like. But it wasn’t until we slept together that you started to question your sexuality again.”

“Oh, wow.” Alec breathes out, then kisses him again, “and what conclusion did I come to?”

Magnus seems to weigh his question for a moment, contemplating his answer before saying, “I think that is something I should let you rediscover for yourself.” 

Alec grins mischievously, before leaning down and kissing him deeply again, murmuring into it, “well, I think I need to do a bit more exploring before I decide.” 

As he is kissing down Magnus’ neck, the smaller man questions, “you mean comparing it to being with Lydia?” It is clearly said as a joke, but Alec can discern the slight insecurity in his tone.

Alec pulls back and looks down at him seriously, “there is no comparison, what I just experienced with you is in a totally different league.” Alec asserts, then kisses him again before going on, with a smile, “you are so, so much better than her.”

Magnus then laughs, causing Alec to frown at him, “yeah, I kinda knew that already.” and when Alec raises an eyebrow at him, he adds, “you’ve told me before how utterly exquisite I am. Not only better than her, but anyone else you’ve been with too.”

“You joke, but that is so very accurate.” Alec tells him with a grin.

“You don’t even remember being with anyone else.” Magnus counters with an adorable pout, which Alec can’t help but kiss.

“I don’t need to.” he insists in between kisses, then grinds down with his already hardened cock, causing Magnus to moan and wrap his arms around his shoulders as they deepen the kiss. “And what I meant was, that I want to explore more with you.” Alec explains after a moment, “like switching positions.”

“You mean you want to fuck me too.” Magnus states without hesitation, and Alec doesn’t miss the excited glint that sparks in his eyes.

“Fuck, yes.” Alec says eagerly, “can I?”

“Yes, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aren't they just the sweetest though? I just had to have Alec all gay for Magnus, anything else seemed impossible and so unrealistic. what do you think? was the smut okay? are you glad they had it?


	12. memories of a stolen place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, cannot believe we are actually here! the final chapter!  
> this one was quite the ride, and it took me a while to get this last chapter right. then it got a bit out of hand, and I'm finally somewhat okay with it now. hopefully you all enjoy it and are pleased with the ending I chose for this story.
> 
> sorry for the late update, but it is finally here! 
> 
> thank you all so so much for all the support and for reading this story, you make it all worth it!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there are mentions of cheating in this chapter, but it is not very explicit. also there is smut :P
> 
> oh, and the title is from the song "waves" by Dean Lewis, I have been obsessed with it lately.
> 
> so without any further ado...

A heavy, irritable sigh escapes Alec’s lips as he waits impatiently outside yet another shop Izzy ‘just  _ had _ to go in’. His foot is tapping restlessly at its own accord as he keeps glancing down at his watch. It had been fifteen minutes since she had gone into the shop, and it was so beyond ridiculous already. 

When Izzy called earlier to hang out, he thought that they would actually hang out, but instead, the past two hours were spent with her jumping from one store to another, and Alec cursing the moment he agreed to this. He could have stayed home and spent this time with Magnus, who needed as much TLC as he could get, even if they had made some progress.

It has been a whole month since the wedding and the Lydia fiasco, and Alec finally felt like he was making positive progress with Magnus. He had made sure to meet all of their friends again, visit Magnus’ boutique clothes shop and check out all of their favorite hangout places.

They had finally been intimate last night, and it was beyond his wildest expectations and dreams. He can already feel how it opened a small crack in Magnus’ walls for him. Not to mention how much of a huge step it was for him, after so long of struggling with his sexual identity and having so many unanswered questions.

All the answers are held by Magnus, he has no doubts in that anymore. And he is determined to make sure his husband hasn’t even a shadow of uncertainty. And of course the moment where it all started to fall into place, is also when Izzy had to call and insist they hang out. To his surprise Magnus actually encouraged him to go, insisting that he will be fine. And to be honest, from his whole family, he’d always been closest to Izzy, and he wanted to try and maintain that. And he appreciated Magnus for seeing and understanding that, despite his own concerns.

During the past month, he had spoken to her and his parents, even visited once or twice, but his main focus was on his husband and fixing their marriage. His family has complained, but he knew that Magnus had to be his top priority if he wanted to save what was left of them. And his family could wait, especially after the way they acted towards Magnus. 

Alec is pacing back and forth in front of the shop, when his eyes lock with bright blue ones, and after a moment of stunned gazing, the familiar young woman starts to spin on her heels.

“Annamarie?” Alec questions with a frown, confused by the abruptness of her attempt to escape. “Hey, wait up, what’s going on?”

She slowly spins back to face Alec, smiles sheepishly at him, biting her bottom lip, seemingly contemplating with herself, before she finally responds, “Alec, hi, how are you?”

“Well, I’m a bit confused.” Alec cuts straight to the point, sick of feeling like too many secrets are being kept from him in his family. He is about to ask her why the hell she’s avoiding him, when she manages to cut in first.

“Listen… I know it's been years, and this is probably too little too late, but I never had a chance to apologize.” Alec’s frown grows deeper, and before he can question why she needs to apologize, Annamarie cuts him to the chase again, “I was just going through a really weird time, but your dad ended it as soon as your mother confronted him about us. And I just always wanted you to know that.”

Alec freezes as it slowly starts to dawn on him what exactly she is saying, he has so many more questions now and such a huge mess, he has no idea where to even begin. All that comes out, however, despite the many thoughts and questions racing through his mind, is “what?”

Annamarie winces and cowers a bit, “I don't mean to open old wounds, but… I just really needed to say that I'm sorry.”

Alec nods softly, takes a deep breath, then finally manages to speak, “No, I'm really glad that you said something.” Thankfully, he managed to keep his voice calm and collected.

“You were always a really good friend, I just wish I could've returned the favor, I...” her voice lowers at the end, then cuts off as Izzy comes out of the store speaking to Alec enthusiastically, clearly not noticing her presence yet.

“OMG, Alec, their new collection is to die for, and -” her words also get cut off when she notices the other woman standing there, and her smile falls off her face in an instant.

Annamarie mumbles something about needing to go, then she is off in a rush, leaving Alec to glare at his sister. “I wanted to tell you.” Izzy blurts out as soon as they’re alone.

“You knew?” Alec snaps, pointing an accusing finger at her, “You knew the whole time?”

“I'm sorry.” Izzy mumbles, but Alec is already turning his back on her, he has no desire for her apologies.

“Don't talk to me.” he hisses over his shoulder as he walks away, ignoring her as she calls for him to stop.

“Alec!” she calls, but he just ignores her and gets the hell out of there.

*****

“Oh, Alec, my beautiful boy.” his mother greets him as he approaches her, and the casual tone of her voice just irritates him even more, “it has been way too long, we missed you.” She is sitting in a large vintage armchair in the library of their house, and Alec just glares at her as he tries to get a hold on his thoughts and tame his anger.

“Alec?” Maryse calls out to him again, clearly concerned.

“I ran into Annamarie Highsmith at the mall.” he finally manages, and his mother quickly closes her book and looks lost for words, “That's why I left, isn't it? Because I found out.” his mother purses her lips, steals her face and doesn’t respond, but her silence, and even more so, the slight twitch of her eye, give her away.

“Mom, I barely even know who I am, and then it turns out you're lying to me, and you've used my accident to rewrite the past?” Alec manages to keep his voice steady and calm, but his words still come out sharp and accusatory.

“I couldn't bear the thought of losing you again.” his mother finally responds, and the innocence in her voice causes him to finally snap at her.

“Do you have any idea how betrayed I feel right now?” His mother stands, lays her book down and tries to reach out to place her hand on his arm, but he steps back out of her reach.

“I'm sorry, Alec.” she actually sounds sincere, “We were happier than we'd been in years.”

“Oh, Mom!”

“We finally had you back again.”

“Back on your terms!” Alec almost shouts in irritation.

“No!” his mother quickly argues.

“Yes, as usual!” Alec counters, sick and tired of his parents' manipulations.

“Alec!”

“He cheated on you with my friend!” Alec can’t even believe that he is uttering those words, they are so beyond ridiculous, “How could you stay with him?”

“It is not that simple, if I left the whole truth would have come out and ruined our reputation.” his mother explains, and Alec wants to be shocked by her response, but really, he isn’t. Of course she forgave her cheating husband just so they could keep up appearances. 

“So what, this, your marriage is just a whole charade?” he bites, causing her to flinch, then before she can respond, “you know what, don’t answer that, I don’t care.”

“Alexander!” she gasps out, but he just ignores her and turns his back on her as well, wondering if there is anything that is real in his whole life. Everything he knew, everything he could remember from five years ago and everything that had happened since he woke up in the hospital, it was all just a big lie.

All of it, except for Magnus.

And as his mother kept calling after him, he just walked away, determined to get to the one person he can actually trust.

*****

Magnus is in the back office of his shop, when Alec comes in with a storm, rushing past a shocked Clary. “Alexander!” Magnus frowns upon seeing him, clearly surprised by his sudden appearance.

“I'm sorry to bother you at work, I just…” Alec’s head is spinning, and suddenly the whole crazy day just catches up with him. 

Magnus rushes to his side and guides him towards a chair, “Is everything okay?” he questions as he closes the door to his office. Alec looks up at him as he sits down in the chair beside him.

Alec takes a deep breath as he keeps his eyes locked with Magnus’, then finally manages, “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course, you can always ask me anything.” Magnus responds softly, cupping his cheek with one hand, causing Alec to lean into it and pause for another long moment, enjoying the contact.

“Did you know?” he finally asks, and when Magnus frowns in confusion he adds, “about my dad's affair?”

Alec knows before he even responds, and he forces himself to keep calm as Magnus’ hand falls from his cheek, his Adam’s apple bobs, and his eyes watch him with concern, “Yeah, I knew.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Alec tries his best not to get upset or sound accusatory, but he is just sick of everyone lying to him.

“There were so many times that I almost did.” Magnus confesses, grabbing Alec’s hand in both of his, “But to drive you away from your family again? That just felt wrong. I wanted your love, I… Just not like that.”

And the fight leaves Alec instantly, he nods and smiles faintly, squeezing Magnus’ hand back, “yeah, I get it. You shouldn’t have been the one to tell me, they should have told me.” he says, calmer now, “I just, I really want to try and make it work with them, but I can’t when they lie to me like that about something so fundamental.”

Magnus watches him empathetically, still holding onto him as he goes on, “I just feel like such a stranger in their world suddenly.” he explains, taking a turn - which judging by his surprised face, Magnus did not expect, “I mean, you should have seen Izzy today, all she could think about was clothes and spending money. And I cannot for the life of me remember being like that too. But I know I was, and it chills me to my core.”

“Well, you’re not like that anymore.” Magnus says with conviction, “you would never question it if you were.” and that was all it took for Alec to start believing it too.

“Magnus, throughout this all, you had been the only one who really cared, the only one with pure intentions.” Magnus tries to protest, as his cheeks grow rosy, but Alec insists on making his point, “you fought for me even when I was pushing you away and being a jerk, even when I didn’t deserve it.”

“Alexander...” Magnus’ voice is merely a whisper, barely audible.

Alec cups his face and looks deep into his eyes, a small, wam smile on his lips, “Magnus I...” he takes a deep breath, as Magnus watches him intently, “my memories may be gone, and I’m a struggling mess trying to figure out who I am right now, but the only thing I am certain of is that I love you.”

Magnus gasps as his breath hitches and eyes widen. Alec had wanted to say those three words for a while now, but could never find the right moment, and also didn’t really know how to. But in this moment, he just knew he had to.

Alec pulls his husband up and into his lap, then repeats the words eagerly, “I love you.”

Magnus launches forward, kisses him long and deep, then buries his face in the junction between his neck and shoulder. “I love you too.” he whispers into his skin. And in that moment, nothing else mattered.

*****

Being back in the large lecture hall is both familiar and foreign at the same time. In the first few classes he attended, It felt as natural as ever, just falling back into a routine he thought was normal and right for him. As the professors spoke, he soaked the information in, as if he hadn’t missed a single lecture. 

But as the time went on, he found himself spacing out more and more. The studied subject slowly lost his interest as his mind escaped to other places, imagining different characters as his fingers itched for what he wasn’t sure. 

Then they started moving as if on their own accord, scribbling along his long forgotten notes. As the lessons went by, there were more drawings than actual words summarizing the lectures. Eventually, there weren't any words at all.

And it wasn’t any different at his father's company, where he started an internship. After the whole cheating saga, he didn’t really want to speak to either of his family members, but he knew he needed the work experience if he wanted to make a name for himself. But as he was sent on different errands, and filed endless forms and papers - where he remembered being content and fulfilled, he now found himself hating every moment. It felt so off kilter, like nothing was right anymore. Except for Magnus, of course. 

One month into the summer semester, Alec finally decides that perhaps business school isn’t for him after all. Barely realizing what he is doing, he suddenly finds himself standing and walking out in the middle of a lecture, almost forgetting his belongings. 

He walks blindly through the streets of New York, the further he gets from the university the more he can breathe. He walks around aimlessly for a while, noticing as if for the first time, all the colours, shapes and textures. The artists performing on the streets, the graffiti on the walls. It was like waking up and living for the first time. It was scary and thrilling at the same time. 

After a while he found himself walking through the skyscraper where Lightwood co. sat, and heading straight to his father's office. He didn’t even bother knocking, just barged in and paced until his father ended the call he was on.

“Alec, you can’t just -“ Robert begins to bark in a stern voice, but his son is a man on a mission, and cuts him off quickly, unruffled by his father’s temper. 

“I’ve decided to quit business school.” Alec cuts straight to the point, paying no mind to his father's reaction, “I think I want to sign up for art classes.”

“Seriously?” Robert snaps, and Alec finally looks at him, unmoved by the irritation he finds on his features, “this again? I can’t believe this is happening all over again.”

Alec just shrugs calmly, “I guess business is just not for me.”

“That’s nonsense. This is all because of  _ him.”  _ The way he spits out that last word, not even able to use Magnus’ name, finally has Alec fuming, “I should have forced him to sign the divorce papers at the wedding.”

Alec’s whole body leans over his father's desk as he arches a threatening eyebrow, “what is that supposed to mean?”

“I should’ve gotten rid of him sooner, he is a terrible influence.” Robert dares, and Alec has to hold back with all his might not to attack his own father. He clenches his jaw and fists his hands, just about ready to pounce, especially at the next words his father says, “he poisoned you against us, against Lydia. Made you think you were actually into men. He turned you into someone you are not.”

Alec points a threatening finger straight at his father's face and hisses, “if anything, you are the ones who held me back, made me into someone I’m not. You’re the poison.” And before Robert can respond (he was probably too shocked to respond anyway), “and don’t you ever speak about my husband like that again. He is ten times the man you will ever be.”

Then, without another word, Alec storms out and heads to the one place he has no doubts about anymore. 

*****

When he arrives home, Magnus isn’t there yet. So he occupies himself by opening his laptop and surfing through the Brooklyn College site, checking out the different art classes they offer. 

Eventually he decides to call the admissions office, he explains his situation and they agree to arrange a meeting for him with the head of digital arts department, so they can come up with the proper curriculum for him. 

Alec is just getting off the phone when his husband finally returns home. Despite going back to Columbia and his father's company, their relationship had only gotten stronger and closer than before. They both had been putting in more effort to make it work and mend all that had broken. But Alec could tell that a part of Magnus, as small as may be, was still holding back and being cautious.

“Hey, what’s that goofy smile for?” Magnus questions as he lays down his things then comes closer to greet him. In lieu of an answer, Alec cups his face, pulls him closer and captures his lips in a searing kiss. All the pent up energy and excitement from his day suddenly comes rushing out, and he pours it all into his husband's mouth. 

Magnus tries to pull away gently, and chuckles when Alec won’t let him. “I’m not complaining…” he manages between kisses, “but what’s this all about?”

“I’m just really happy.” Alec confesses, finally pulling back a little, but still cupping his face, “you make me happy.”

The smile that appears on Magnus’ face is so blinding, and for Alec it feels good to be the one who put it there. “I also came to an important decision today.” Alec adds before Magnus can say anything, “It all happened so fast, but I just walked out of class today, in the middle of a lecture.”

“You what?” Magnus gasps, “why?”

“I just, it didn’t feel right anymore, and it wasn’t the first time I felt it, but never at the intensity I did today, and I just couldn’t stay there another minute.” Alec explains, and when Magnus inquires further, he continues, “I walked around for a while, I ended up at my father’s company, and I told him I was quitting.”

“You’re quitting your internship?” Magnus frowns, still confused and probably overwhelmed.

“The internship, Columbia, I’m quitting business.” it was a complete shock to Magnus, because Alec refrained from talking to him about it before today. They had spoken in passing about his lessons and internship, but Alec always tried to stray away from those topics, because he knew they made Magnus insecure, no matter how much he tried to deny it. And he couldn’t blame him, because it was a world that had the potential of breaking their relationship again. Not that Alec would have ever let that happen, but fears could be irrational at times.

Alec took advantage of his husband's shocked silence to tell him the rest of his news, “I also spoke to Brooklyn College, and I have a meeting with the head of Digital Arts next week.”

When Magnus finally manages to get over his shock, he pounces on his husband and congratulates him properly. 

*****

For several days now, Alec had been having strange dreams. When he wakes up in the morning, he can’t really remember any of it, just that they felt all too real. He tried to write them out as soon as he woke up, but just couldn’t find the words in the jumbled mess of his brain. 

Then one morning, he wakes up with very hard evidence in his boxers to what he had been dreaming that night. That, and the strong desire to devour his husband, shower him with the immense love and affection he is overpowered with when he wakes up. Alec barely registers the fact that he can actually remember huge chunks of the dreams, or what they were about, all he could think about in his still half-asleep stupor, is the alluring, half naked body of his still sleeping husband.

Magnus is laying on his stomach, with his face buried in the crook of his elbow, and the blanket pulling right above his tailbone. Alec doesn’t hesitate as he crawls half on top of him, his hard member getting some much needed friction from Magnus’ heavenly pert ass. His lips quickly latch on to the nape of Magnus’ neck, as he murmurs soft words to coerce his husband to wake up.

The smaller man slowly starts to stir awake, as he mumbles some incoherent words into the pillow. When he is finally a bit more aware, Alec continues his ministrations, kissing up the back and side of his neck, and sensually grinding his hips in small circles, as Magnus finds himself moaning hoarsely, already lost in the sensation. 

“What has.. Ah… gotten into you?” Magnus questions as Alec quickly flips him onto his back, still laying above him. 

The larger man then leans down and captures Magnus’ lips with his own, skipping their usual slow and sensual, straight to the deep and hungry. “I had some dreams...” Alec murmurs against his lips in between wet kisses, “about our wedding night.”

“Shit...” Magnus whispers, understandably also turned on by the memories of that night, “that was quite the night.”

Alec murmurs a soft confirmation, as he starts pulling down his own boxers, then quickly rids Magnus of his too, “wanna be inside you so bad.” the younger man confesses unabashedly, causing his husband to moan and writhe beneath him even more, “I wanna fuck you for hours, like that night. Do you want that?”

Magnus immediately nods vehemently, “yes, so bad.”

Alec doesn’t waste even a moment longer, and reaches quickly for the lube which is still on the nightstand from their last endeavor. He makes quick, but thorough work at opening up his husbands still impossibly tight entrance. 

As he slowly pushes into Magnus, staring into his wide dark eyes, all the urgency and need to rush leaves him. Suddenly he finds himself wanting to take his time, push in slowly, take the other man apart and put him back together again unhurriedly. He wants to make love to him.

And as his cock drags along Magnus’ sensitive walls, Alec holds on close to his treamoring body, cradling it with all the care and love in him. Magnus’ legs are wrapped around his waist, and his hands are clutching onto him in a tight grip, as a constant stream of moans and mewls escape his lips. Alec captures them in his mouth every so often, when he leans down to kiss him.

Somewhere along the haze of pleasure and abandon, a thought suddenly strikes Alec out of nowhere. “I still owe you a proper honeymoon.” he says in between deep thrusts.

Magnus looks up at him with glazed over eyes, and Alec can’t help but feel proud of being the cause of it. “Wha-?” but his confused inquiry gets cut off by a loud whimper, as Alec thrusts into him particularly hard, deep and precise. “Yes, shit, right there, again.”

So Alec repeats the same thrust again, and then again, before finally responding, “I promised you a proper honeymoon, but we never had the chance.” he explains, and all Magnus can do is hum in response, “and I still have plenty of money in my trust fund, which my father had yet to cut me off of, so I thought we could put it to good use.”

“Was this - ah, fuck - all part of your dream?” Magnus questions in a hoarse voice, which has Alec going wild from how sexy he sounds.

“No, but it got me thinking about it.” Alec explains with a cheeky grin, “that if we go on another honeymoon, we could repeat that night.”

“Fuck yes...” was all Magnus could manage before Alec started thrusting into him in a punishing, hard pace, pushing them both over the edge.

When they both lay sweating and panting, slowly coming down from their high, Alec turns to Magnus and kisses along his collar bone, “so what do you say?” he questions in between kisses, “will you let me take you to Indonesia like we always dreamed?”

“Indonesia, huh?” Magnus sighs contentedly, his eyes closed.

“Yeah, we could finally explore the country you were born in.” Alec explains in between kisses, “and have a proper honeymoon, and finally repeat that amazing night. Multiple times.”

Magnus’ chuckle gets cut off as his brain suddenly catches up. He had been too lost in the haze of sleep and pleasure before, but now he is lucid enough to actually comprehend the conversation they are having. His eyes snap open and he quickly turns to look at Alec with a confused expression, “Alexander?” is all he manages at first, in a quiet tone.

His husband chuckles and leans in to kiss his shoulder, “yeah?”

“How do you remember all that?” it is a weird question to ask, but it is the only one that makes sense.

Alec frowns at that, “what do you mean? How could I ever forget su...” then his voice trails off as it suddenly dawns on him as well. “Oh god!”

Magnus sits up with a gasp and quickly covers his mouth with his hands, his eyes filling with unshed tears, “you remember?” he asks in a choked voice.

Alec also sits up and ponders for a moment, his brain feels both overwhelmingly full and confused, and finally at ease and whole. “Yeah, I guess I do.” Alec says slowly, trying to organize his thoughts and memories that start flooding him and mix with the past few months. Then it all gets cut off and silenced when his lap gets filled with Magnus, who straddles him and wraps his arms around him, and buries his face in his neck.

It takes Alec a moment to grasp the current situation, but once he realizes that his precious husband is shaking and sobbing, he quickly snaps into action. Holding on tight to the smaller man, pulling him in impossibly closer and whispering soothing words into his ear. Alec had literally beaten people who mistreated Magnus in the past, because he refused to allow anyone to hurt him.

But this time it was him. Alec was the one who caused him this pain, and he feels sick to his stomach. It is like an outer-body experience as the memories from the past five years and the past few months merge.

When Magnus finally pulls back a bit to look at him, Alec is surprised to discover a smile on his face, despite the tears and puffy red eyes. “God, I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.” he chuckles as he wipes his eyes and sniffles, “I just missed you so much, and I can’t believe you’re back.”

Alec cups his face and helps him wipe the tears away with his thumbs, but they keep coming as Magnus can’t seem to control them, “hey, it’s okay babe, I’m here.” but that only makes Magnus clutch his eyes shut as the tears stream grows.

“I didn’t think you would ever come back to me.” another sob rips out of Magnus, and Alec quickly pulls him into a tight hug.

“I know, and I’m so sorry.” Alec whispers into his ear, then kisses his temple, “shit Mags, I’m so sorry, I was such a jerk.”

Magnus pulls back again with a small laugh, “yeah, you really were.” he agrees, causing them both to laugh again, “I’m just happy to have you back.”

“Yeah, me too.” Alec agrees then pulls him in to a salty, wet kiss. When they pull away Alec cringes as more memories flood him, “why are you still with me?”

“That is an excellent question, I keep asking that myself.” Magnus teases, causing Alec to squeeze his waist playfully.

“Thank you for not giving up on me.” Alec suddenly turns very serious, “you’re amazing.”

“I almost did give up.” Magnus confesses.

“I know.” then after a moment of silence, “I can’t believe I literally asked you if we married for a green card!” Alec cringes and face-palms himself, “or that awful dinner with my family, I can’t believe I let them talk to you like that.”

“It’s okay, you lost your memories, you weren’t yourself.” Magnus justifies for him, causing Alec’s frown to deepen, “it’s all in the past now.”

Alec vehemently shakes his head and cups Magnus’ face again, turning it so they are facing each other, and Magnus can’t look anywhere but deep into his eyes, “No Mags, it is not okay. And it is not in the past, just because I got my memories back.” Alec says fiercely, adamant to make this right, “you were hurt,  _ I hurt you _ , and that just doesn’t sit right with me. And I won’t just sweep this under the rug, I will make it up to you.”

“Alexander, it’s okay, we already -” Magnus tries, but Alec quickly cuts him off.

“I know we did, but that doesn’t make it okay.” Alec insists him stubbornly, “and now that I have my memories back we need to work through it properly.”

“Okay.” Magnus doesn't argue further, “I guess we do have a lot to talk about.”

“Yeah.” Alec pulls him in for a much needed kiss, “fuck, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” 

Then they kiss lazily like that for a while longer, until both their stomachs start to rumble. As they are getting dressed and ready to go make breakfast, Magnus suddenly remembers something and can’t contain his excitement, “Oh, I have notes!” he exclaims, causing Alec to chuckle.

“Notes?” he questions.

“Yes, I wrote notes.” Magnus starts rummaging through his bedside drawer and pulls out a small zip-lock bag with a bunch of notes, and Alec watches him with a fond smile, “thoughts and different things I wanted to say to you but couldn’t, random things during the day I would have wanted to talk to you about if you had your memories.”

Magnus looks so adorably excited, Alec can’t help but to sweep him up into a hug and kiss him again. “How about we go over them together during breakfast?” Alec suggests when they pull away.

Magnus nods enthusiastically, “yeah, I would like that.”

And so while Alec starts making his famous french toast, Magnus pulls out a random note from the bag, “Ragnor, cats.” he reads out, then laughs out at the memory.

“He finally lost it and strangled that stray you love so much?” Alec questions with an amused smile, and when Magnus shakes his head and with an adorable ‘uh-uh’, he guesses again, “did he call animal services or something?”

Magnus laughs and shakes his head again, “nope.” he says, popping the ‘p’, “he was playing with Chairman! Actual, full on playing.”

“No way!” Alec exclaims, Ragnor hates that stray cat Magnus adores, with a passion.

“Yep, I knew deep down he was a cat man.” After another moment of laughter and joy, Magnus pulls out another note, which was a cocktail napkin with a bunch of scribbles on it, “this is from Isabel’s wedding.” he explains, then tries to discern what he had written, “oh! I met your cousin Aline, who is probably the only normal and pleasant member of your family, by the way.”

“Yeah, she is.” Alec agree’s.

“Anyway, she told me a bunch of stories...” Magnus’ voice is teasing as he eyes his husband, who immediately stops preparing the food, looking horrified.

“What did she tell you?” he demands.

“Oh, I think you know.” Magnus bites his bottom lip as Alec continues to glare at him heatlessly, “I cannot believe you never told me, Alexander.”

The teasing goes on for a bit longer, and when Alec finally manages to finish preparing the french toast, they sit down to eat and read more notes. And for the first time in a very,  _ very  _ long time, they both feel whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww yay! Alec got his memories back!  
> but what a jumbled mess he must have in his head now.  
> and poor Magnus, so overwhelmed, but at least he got his husband back.  
> they still have a lot of mending to do, but at least they're on the right path!
> 
> so what did you think? please let me know.
> 
> on another note - just wanted to update any of you who are reading my other fics, that I am currently working on a new chapter for Strap On, aaaaaand, I'll probably be posting a new story soon! yay! it is a story I started working on so long ago (even before On The Road), and I am soooo excited to share with you!! so keep an eye out!
> 
> anyway, thanks again, so so much! your kudos and comments have warmed my heart!  
> some of you even reached out on Instagram, and it is truly amazing! 
> 
> until next time... stay safe!  
> MBL

**Author's Note:**

> please come follow me on my new Instagram account: [mblwrites](https://www.instagram.com/mblwrites/?hl=en)
> 
> and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I started a blog!! and it would mean the world to me if you came to check it out! you can do so, right here - [MBL writes](https://mblwrites.com/)


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